Why is my husband so mean to me?

Dear Maj,

I’m in a terrible situation. My husband left me 11 months ago after cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend! Ouch… It was awful and I was shocked to my very core!

I had the most awful December ever! I would cry my eyes out as soon as my kids weren’t around.

Why is my husband so mean to meI was so upset!

Anyhow, a few months went by and I started being myself again… ish. I still had my lows. When the summer holidays rolled around and my ex was taking the kids camping, I had actually reached a point where I could sit and enjoy a beer with him in the garden, before they went camping.

I did see that his eyes kept resting on my cleavage but I pretended like I didn’t notice.

About 20 minutes after they’d left, I received a text message from him saying: “Fuck, I miss your breasts so much!”

I sent him a reply saying: “Okay well, a shame they’re on me then.”

He wrote back: “You have to go out and find someone to grope them.”

Me: I’m sure I’ll find someone one day.

Him: Yes me too even though I’d love to touch them again.

Me: It’s not certain that I’ll find someone who wants to.

Him: I do!!

And then he kept going on asking to see photos of my breasts. Four days later, he apologized for his behavior and said it would never happen again.

August came and one day he wrote: Hey beautiful, I’m alone now, we had a fight. Can I please have a photo now?

After a lot of texting back and forth he came to my place and we had sex (stupid, I know) and we kept this going till some time in October.

Him coming to my place whenever they had a fight. In the end I told him I’d tell his girlfriend and he got so angry with me and he told me that he would recommend me not to tell her – if I told her, he would never want to see me again!

Why is my husband so mean to me all the timeAnd so I didn’t tell her anything because I loved this man!

3 weeks ago his girlfriend contacted me saying she had read all our messages to each other and ones where I was telling him how horrible he was for doing this. Really, he blew his own cover by not deleting the messages.

Anyway, we agreed to meet and have a talk. She didn’t blame me for anything, she could tell that I was very distraught.

That same night (Monday) she told him that she wanted him out by Friday!

Tuesday I let him back in (again stupid) and he stayed with me and the kids for two weeks. The first we were “happy family” but then he changed and wanted to find his own place to live. Fair enough because he still wanted me as his girlfriend.

Then last Monday he went to his mom’s place to stay the night because we had had a little argument. Tuesday he comes back to pick up his clothes and Wednesday he is here to pick up his couch which he absolutely didn’t want in my house! He also picked up all the stuff he had in storage in my garage.

10 minutes after he’s left, he calls me. “I’ve found my own place to live and I don’t know how much time I need alone but another thing is that I want to contact…. again to ask her for another chance."

WTF!

Yep, he threw that in my face.

And I really don´t understand!

Why is my husband so mean to me?

Last night I messaged him telling him that the kids had a lot of presents for him. No reply!

Not even a “thank you, daddy loves you too” when I sent him a photo of the kids with flags saying: “we love you daddy”. I then write to her and ta-dah 5 minutes later he messages me. I ask him if they’re back together and that I deserve to know, seeing as I’m the one being walked all over!

He told me that he’s not sure yet, they have a lot of things they need to talk about.

I reply: “Okay but so do the two of us.”

His reply was: “Just stop.”

So he’s willing to work things out with her but not with me. And I’m the mother of his children!!!

I don’t deserve an explanation to why he has treated me like this, told me so many lies and made me so many promises he never kept. Why is this man to mean to me?

Why is he going from her to me and vice versa?

To be honest, I’m not that upset. I’m furious. And she must be so stupid taking him back?!

What am I supposed to do?

I do love him and I’ve started to feel jealous of all the things they’re doing together now as a family… Plus he’s paid for half of her new breasts – he took out a loan for it!!

He has never wanted to help me this way and I’ve dreamt of new breasts for years but no, he always told me to save up for this myself.

I get so madI’m SO angry I scare myself sometimes.

Even though she wrote horrible things about him on Facebook and she even asked her friends for their opinion on things.

And she got her teenage daughter to flip the bird in front of all his stuff that they’d dragged out into the yard. And she puts this on Facebook too.

And all this, he just forgives her for.

But if I get angry, he doesn’t stand for it!

Why is he choosing her again?!

What is it that goes through he mind when he does this, why is it he thinks it’s so nice to see me like this…

Heeeeelp me! Just a couple of answers would make such a difference…

I’m sorry it turned out to be this long!

Love,

The woman who will hit rock bottom again very soon.

 

Why is my husband so mean to me?

 

Dear you,

I totally understand why you’re confused and upset. What a year you’ve been through. Yes, it’s nearly been a whole year.

Oh my!

It makes me feel short of breath reading your story; it’s very full on.

What you’re telling me is a story about a woman who is cheated on by her partner, then she is left feeling miserable for months only to have him come back to take her for another ride. He’s being manipulative and does whatever he pleases, playing with her feelings and her life.

Not to mention your kids.

You know what?

I actually understand why you want to give him another chance – maybe even two. You guys have kids together and you clearly love him. I know of lots of men and women who would do the exact same thing as you.

But…

That being said, you ask me: “Why is my husband so mean to me?”

I’ll tell you why.

It’s because you let him.

I know fair well that this isn’t a very nice answer to receive and I KNOW that the situation you’re in is really awful.

However, I have to be honest with you.

The only reason he continues to hurt you and toy with your emotions is that you continue to allow him to do so.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying…

If you keep allowing him to come back to you, then you also keep allowing him to walk all over you. Time and time again.

When it comes to relationships (and life in general really), a really good rule of thumb is that if you want to see what the future brings, then take a look at the past. If you want a future like the one he’s been dishing up the last 5-6 months, then keep doing what you’re doing: being the one standing on the sidelines, the one he can “run back to” when he can’t work out how to make his new relationship work.

If you want to know what the future bringsAnd that’s not exactly a great feeling, is it?

You being angry is healthy – I do believe though that you need to turn this anger around into something constructive.

Please let me explain…

Anger is a feeling that also occurs when your limits are being crossed.

You experience your ex-husband to continue to cross your limits but most importantly…

You continue to find yourself crossing your own limits too because you do know what a fair treatment of someone is and this is why you’re “double angry”.

You’re angry with him but also yourself – that’s my thoughts on this anyway (correct me if I’m wrong).

Why other people do what they do, we can only guess and wonder. I have no idea why your ex-husband is treating you this way.

Perhaps he doesn’t even realize that he’s upsetting you this much, maybe he knows but doesn’t care, maybe he loves both of you but have absolutely no idea what to do… Maybe, maybe, maybe….

We can only wonder about this, we don’t actually KNOW anything.

So – what DO we know?

We know that you allow this to happen.

You are very clearly giving him permission to waltz into your life whenever he pleases, to leave you hurt, “used” and upset (maybe without even knowing he’s doing this to you?)

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Because you let him.

Why is he forgiving her but not me?

Hmm….

That’s a good question.

We don’t actually know and even if you did know, I don’t even believe the answer would change whether you’re upset or not.

He’s treating her differently to you. That’s what you’re seeing anyway. And all this for reasons we don’t know anything about. What we DO know is that he’s running back and forth between the two of you whenever things hit a speed-bump and THAT behavior is not doing any of you any good.

And I’m thinking…

I wonder why you’re letting him treat you this way?

I wonder why you’re allowing yourself to participate in this “game”?

Is it because you’re hoping that the two of you will get back together?

Is it because you really just want the feeling of him choosing you again? (Now that he has not chosen you).

Or a third reason?

What exactly is it you want to achieve by letting him come back to you again and again? (and again and again and again)

I don’t necessarily believe that he likes seeing you “hit rock bottom”. From what you tell me, it honestly doesn’t seem like he cares about this at all – then again, we don’t actually KNOW what is going on with him.

My experience tells me though, that when you keep hurting other people and don’t allow yourself the “time” to clean up the mess you’ve made, then you’re rarely doing very well yourself.

But again, we don’t know.

There’s nothing in what you’re telling me that indicates that he’s going to change or is even considering stopping this.

His behavior is obviously upsetting you but he does what he does and he’ll continue to for as long as you let him.

So what does it take for YOU to put an end to this?

There’s clearly only one person who can stop this “game”.

And that´s you!

What is it you need in your life in order for you to stop allowing him to behave this way?

Aren’t you worth more than him messing around with your emotions whenever he wants? Aren’t you worth more than him giving you false hope whenever he pleases? Aren’t you a woman who MOST CERTAINLY is more worth than letting herself being stumped on again and again?

I’m confident that you are all of these things!

My best advice for you is that you need to get OUT of this relationship and the sooner the better.

Yes, it’ll hurt.

Yes, it’ll be difficult.

Yes, you’ll feel lonely for a little while.

Yes, it’ll feel “empty” when all the drama he’s constantly causing disappears from your life.

HOWEVER…

That being said, as the days and the weeks go by you’re sure to find a sense of peace and stability that you might never have experienced ever before.

And I’ll BET you that the more time that passes and the more you “get him out of your system”, you’ll see things more clearly and you’ll be happier – and happy that he’s no longer in your life.

Of course he’ll always be somewhat in your life – he’s the father of your children, so you still need to have a parent-to-parent relationship with him.

But THAT is IT.

You’re way too good for all the drama he’s bringing into your life!

And please remember that because you have feelings and love (him), then you don’t need to “be at the mercy” of your feelings. To love another person is not the same thing as putting up with being treated poorly. You can leave a person that you love and you can learn to let go of them if this is what serves you the best in the long run.

It’s much better to be happy alone than to be unhappy with someone else!

So here’s a challenge for you – now it’s up to you to accept this challenge or not.

I want you to make a list of 10 ways in which you can say “no” to him when he contacts you again. Believe me, he will.

You know EXACTLY what will happen – all you need to do is take a look at the past.

And as I’ve said, if YOU don’t start doing things differently, nothing will ever change. And things will stay the same and history will continue to repeat itself (unless of course, he changes. He’s showing absolutely no sign of this though).

Make a list like that and you’ll have a “life line” to turn to when he contacts you again and you find everything really difficult to deal with. You just get your list out and start saying “no”.

No ThanksNo thank you. That’s a really good start.

No thank you, I’m not interested in that.

That’s kind of you to offer but no thank you.

No, no, no – again and again and again.

And then you need to work out what girlfriends you can call and who you can turn to when you feel a bit alone in all this and you start doubting whether you should say yes to him…

What we’re doing here is actually a detox.

A cleanse.

A detoxification.

We need to get you as far away from this trouble so that when people start to act in ways that aren’t serving you, it’ll be easy for you to walk away from them.

You want to be an expert in saying “no thank you”

That truly is one of the very best advice I can give you.

When you become an expert in saying “no thank you”, you have to remember that you’re automatically saying “yes please” to something else.

Something much better.

It’s so much better for you to feel comfortable in your own company and with your children, than to feel awful with him!

And when you say no to other people’s mess, you’re saying yes to your own life and your own freedom. Having your own freedom will give you what you want in your life.

You will have renewed energy, feel proud of yourself because you can stand up for yourself and you’ll have a very clear view of what your limits are. You’ll start feeling so confident and your self-worth will increase.

You’re also teaching your children something very valuable: life is about choices. We can either say “no thank you” or we can say “yes please”. Whatever we choose to answer will somehow have an emotional outcome.

It’s a skill to learn how to say “no thank you” or “yes please” at all the right times and to then commit to whatever decision you make.

Your feelings are your compass.

Your true North.

Listen to them and learn from them. Put them to use in becoming the best role model for your children and show them how to truly master the art of saying either “no thank you” or “yes please”.

We have to treat one another right.

Otherwise it’s a “No thank you!”

Are you game enough to take up this challenge and become and expert in saying “no thank you”?

Why is my husband so mean to me - Maj Wismann Q&ALove,
Maj

 

 

 

 

 

*Have you been in a situation like this? With this kind of relationship problems? What did you do/what are you doing? How have you handled it? Have you been practicing the art of ”no thank you”? I’ll love reading your comment and your advice.

 

*** Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.

3 Comments

  1. Susana

    Dear Maj, I know the whole story about learning how to say no thank you and be more aware of my own limits towards myself and other people.

    You learn this very quickly when you have children.

    They want to do so many things and demand things from “mom” all the time. This is nice of course but it also requires you to be awake and present. I’m in a process of learning how to say no thank you.

    This is a bit of a different situation to the woman who wrote to you though. I haven’t been cheated on (sexually) and I’m not divorced from my kids’ father either. But maybe I should??? I’m considering that.

    I’m currently working my way out of PTSD-like symptoms and I was on anti-depressants for 3 years but I’m now completely off any medication.

    This process isn’t easy and it’s not easy for the people around me either, they have to put up with a lot. During this process my husband has told me – twice – that maybe I should get back on those pills because then I’m easier to be around. This is hurtful and definitely not supportive.

    My solution was to sign up to a Healer School and have additional treatments. By doing this I can handle what is thrown in my face. It’s not great for my relationship but it has made me arch my back and keep my head held high.

    This way I’m more comfortable with myself and I’m not constantly worried about him and what his needs and wishes are. It might cost me my relationship but that’s ok. It’s more important to me to feel comfortable in my own skin than to be with him. Yes, we argue quite a lot and the kids don’t like it.

    I do feel though that for every time I say no to him, I get better at focusing on myself. The kids I’ll pick up again and again – I do this as we go along. His daily demands have become quite a challenge. And a pretty big challenge to. He’s very concerned about what I’m doing and not doing. He always likes to criticize me and get me to do things for him. I’m currently employed at his company and I work from home. He believes that I should be available to him and the kids 24/7 and I have been too. That’s all over now though. I’ve created a schedule which I’ve put up at home for every one to see. Everyone’s needs have been considered – including my own. My advice for all of us who need to learn to say no thank is this: do it once and then do it again. The more times you do it, the easier it’ll become. And the more fun it’ll be too. Not everyone will think so though. You’ll meet a lot of resistance but this will only make us even better at focusing on ourselves. Yes there will be a lot of tears, frustration and confusion throughout this process. And anger and bursts of rage.
    Finally I would like to share this though. It’s ok to be in love with someone who isn’t good to you. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be with this person – as a couple I mean. If he isn’t good to you and you let him be horrible, then you’re not being loving towards yourself. Change your focus from wanting to be in a romantic relationship with him to only doing things that make you happy and makes you feel energized.

    Light and love, Susana.

    Reply
  2. JJ

    BRAVO, MAJ, I totally agree with every word you said.

    Reply
  3. Tina

    Dear Lost One, I know EXACTLY how you feel and I know the thoughts going on in your mind – the constant back and forth.

    I know the excruciating pain, the awful emptiness…

    And oh my do I know the rage, the evil, he revenge. All of this because the love of my life needs attention from other women AND not to mention, he doesn’t want to admit that his actions are slowly killing me.

    I’ve heard a lot of WORDS… WORDS that make me feel like a goddess, the coolest, smartest, more beautiful, THE ONLY ONE… but his actions show me the exact opposite.

    Who wouldn’t enjoy the feeling of being chosen, adored, looked after and admired? It’s something you can become addicted to and the feeling of self-satisfaction you once that suddenly become weak because you want the Heavens, the floating… you forget the withdrawal symptoms, the need, the desperation when you get your fix.

    And yes… ask yourself: How long do I want to be an addict for? I’m on my way, I’ve been where you are, and it hasn’t been easy, I’m not out of it yet but I know what’s at stake now.

    And what happens in my nervous system and then it becomes easier to get through the rough days and say NO THANK YOU – we will NEVER be a couple again!

    But I wish you the best. You CAN do this, be good to yourself. You know this deep down already – he won’t ever change.

    Love,
    A cool independent woman who was a sobbing mess but is on her way back to ME!

    Reply

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