People,even though they are in a relationship, are different from each other whether we care to admit or not. Ironically, this becomes apparent as soon as they fall for each other. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get useful tips from relationship experts who can actually help you get the most out of your relationship?
Well, that is why we went out and got the most popular experts involved – so you didn’t have to get advice from a “friend of a friend of a friend”.
Every relationship, even the strongest ones, goes through the inevitable ebb and flow. The experts featured here have helped hundreds of couples rekindle the fire in their relationship.
We felt that they could shed some light on the question that is on most peoples’ minds – What do you think are the Top 3 Killers That Can Ruin a Relationship?
As expected from such a diverse group of relationship gurus, each one had a unique take on how couples today can avoid the waning of a relationship.
To make it easier for you, I’ve created a quick-list of the experts involved so you can click on their names to directly go to their post.
Scot Mckay is a professional dating and relationship coach, author and podcast hosts. He is the founder of X & Y Communications in San Antonio, Texas, that focuses on equipping and empowering men and women who want to go from good to great in their relationships.
Tip #1 – Selfishness / narcissism
This is reaching pandemic levels in today’s post-modern culture. That’s no thanks to a new wave of dating advice that promises “three simple words”, etc. can get a man/woman to drop everything and do whatever you want.
Tip #2 – Settling
Most people don’t believe they have options. As such, what they end up doing is clinging to the first person who’ll “put up with them”. That does not make for a good relationship, of course.
Tip #3 – Thinking the worst of each other
If partners constantly assume that the other is out to get them/cheat/etc. they can never expect a good, healthy relationship to come from that.
Suzanne B. Phillips Psy.D.,ABPP,CGP,FAGPA is a licensed Psychologist, Psychoanalyst, Diplomate in Group Psychology, Certified Group Therapist, Fellow and Board Member and Co-chair of Community Outreach for the American Group Psychotherapy Association (AGPA). She is the Trauma/Disaster Chair for the Suffolk County Psychological Association. She is a clinician for The Soldiers Project Long Island.
Tip #1 – Distrust
Distrust in a relationship disqualifies the safety needed for connection, intimacy and growth. Distrust may stem from a known or feared betrayal, which left unresolved and unaddressed, slowly eats away at all that is good. Distrust, which persists regardless of apology and change, may imply that mistakes and imperfections are not allowed.
Tip #2 – Disrespect
Disrespect in a relationship disqualifies the necessary mirroring, affirmation and appreciation that nurture a strong bond. Disrespect disrupts the feeling of mutuality that enables couples to draw upon each other’s strengths, enjoy each other’s victories, fuel each other’s dreams, become each other’s fans.
Tip #3 – Disinterest
Disinterest is a deal breaker in a relationship. Most partners would rather have someone mad at them than disinterested. Disinterest is incompatible with passion, desire and intimacy. The disinterested partner has stopped listening, laughing, flirting or touching with interest and expectation. Sex may be possible but it is obligation, compliance or routine.
It’s obvious how April Braswell energy and passion are part of everything in her life. She can coach you in tapping into your own life force to show the world the beautiful person you are and attract the type of man you want.
Tip #1 – Unaligned relationship goals
So the number 1 killer that ruins a relationship is discovering a few months into the relationship that you have unaligned relationship goals. Couples frequently pair off initially because of terrific mutual sexual chemistry but not necessarily vetting for having common relationship goals.
Tip #2 – Ice cold
Society purports that sex is super important to men in a relationship, but guys, don’t let popular myths fool you. A vital sex life matters to modern women as well. If you need help, hire a therapist or coach to give your relationship some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
Tip #3 – Acceptance
The final top relationship killer is finally accepting you can do seriously better. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s the right and best relationship for you.
Christina Hibbert provides education and resources on her web pages that will give you the tools, inspiration and motivation you need to overcome the challenges you face, to become your best self, and to flourish.
Tip #1 – Dishonesty
This includes hiding things from one another, like big “secrets,” but also hiding feelings, thoughts, or just everyday events. When you hide from one another, trust starts to erode. You feel like you don’t know each other anymore, and drift apart. If you can’t trust one another, it’s going to be very difficult to keep your relationship going, and to strengthen it.
Tip #2 – Poor communication
Communication struggles seems to be the #1 issue couples face, and it can definitely tear a relationship apart if it’s not worked on. When you can’t talk to each other without misunderstanding, argument, or any kind of common consensus, your relationship is going to constantly be on rocky ground.
Tip #3 – Pornography addiction
I’ve seen it happen time and again. As pornography becomes part of one partner’s life, it also becomes a third member of the relationship. It leads to unrealistic expectations, hurt, heartache, and eventually, broken families. In no way is pornography addiction helpful or even neutral for a couple’s relationship.
Shereen Thor combines her passion for inspiring others to stop settling for less with her stand-up comedy background. She is the founder of Awaken The Rebel which helps people create an extraordinary life.
Tip #1 – Communication Breakdown
I know that it’s nearly impossible to fully understand another person on the first try. People’s language is so intricate to their experience growing up that we literally hear the same word and understand a different meaning. For this reason it is PARAMOUNT to be thorough in understanding each other before getting upset.
Tip #2 – Not Prioritizing The Relationship
Many couples become so consumed with the demands of life that they forget to breathe life into their relationship. Their relationship is a living organism just like anything else and if you give energy to it, it will grow. If you do not, it will decay. We are always in growth or decay at any given moment, there is no in between.
Tip #3 – Selfishness or Not Caring About The Other Person’s Needs
One has to be considerate to their partner’s needs. We each need certain things to function on a healthy level. If we do not get them we begin to grow angry, depressed, and resentful. If both parties are caring about the others’ needs this can be avoided. It is possible for everyone to get their needs met while managing the demands of life, family & career.
Harmony earned her Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University, Seattle in 2007. She has a private practice in Longmont, CO where she specializes in postpartum mood disorders, anxiety, depression, and trauma. Harmony believes that all of life’s experiences are designed to bring us deeper into who we really are, and when old pain lives within us unfinished we get stuck at an impasse.
Tip #1 – Communication
Expecting your partner to know what you need: in relationship, we often expect our partner to be a mind reader. We want our partner to know how to care for us, touch us, and speak to us without having to ask for it. Then, we resent him or her when he/she fails to do so. Learn how to ask for what you need with kindness and clarity, and make this a daily part of your communication.
Tip #2 – Empathy
Not hearing your partner’s struggle: In communication, we want to be heard and so rarely do we pause to listen to our loved ones with curiosity. What does your partner need? What is your partner’s struggle? Mirror what you hear without interpretation and you’ll be surprised at the outcome.
Tip #3 – Ego Clashes
Self-centered thinking: When were identified with the thoughts of our mind, we live in a very self focused way. The way your ego tries to find its significance in the world becomes your focus and a heart connection isn’t nurtured.
Rebecca Rosenblat is a Registered Psychotherapist and Relationship & Sexuality Counselor, well known as one of Canada’s leading experts, who’s reached a captive audience of millions.
Tip #1 – Unresolved Baggage
Whether it’s unfinished business from childhood, or hurts from a previous romantic relationship, left unresolved, it’s going to create unnecessary strain on your relationship, by repeating familiar dynamics.
Tip #2 – Poor Communication
Good communication doesn’t mean tell or, or hold onto the bad stuff; it means, making each other feel safe enough to discuss just about anything, respectfully of course.
Tip #3 – Minimizing the Importance of Intimacy
Sex often ends up on the back burner, due to busy lives and hectic schedules, and when it happens, it can be more about getting off than connecting.
Tripp Kramer created Dudes Talking About Chicks with his buddy Kyle Sherman who would always ask him for dating advice. In 2010 it climbed the top of the charts as the #1 podcast in the self-help category of iTunes. In fact, it still ranks in the top 100 today in the same category. The podcast helped thousands of men become confident and attract the women of their choice.
Tip #1 – Distrust
This is a problem a lot of couples face and it can absolutely ruin a healthy relationship.
Tip #2 – Routine
When couples take things for granted the relationship tends to break itself apart.
Tip #3 – Not being grateful
A relationship needs to have a foundation where two people can come together and believe and support the person, while still having a great time and enjoying what each other has to offer.
Lisa Kaplin is the proud owner of Smart Women Inspired Lives where she does individual and group life coaching, blogging, and public speaking. Helping other women to step out of that stuck feeling and into calm, confidence, and joy is her aim.
Tip #1 – Not telling your partner what you want
Expecting your partner to know what you want in any area of your relationship is doomed to failure. If you want flowers, say so. If you want your partner to do some chores, ask. If you want something different in bed, say so.
Tip #2 – Expecting your relationship to be similar to a romantic comedy movie
Those movies are really fun to watch but not at all realistic to real life. Real love is messy, challenging, and needs a lot of work from both people.
Tip #3 – Taking everything your partner does personally
Your partner works late and you think they don’t love you. Your partner isn’t talking much and you assume they are mad at you. If you aren’t sure how your partner is feeling, ask. Otherwise, don’t assume that their mood or behavior is about you.
Troy Spry is a certified life and relationship coach and “Reality Expert”. Troy’s mission is simple: to inspire individuals to first become better people so that they can become better mates, create better relationships and ultimately help to build better communities. He is a firm believer in the fact that you must live life intentionally and on purpose! He is a speaker and the author of the new book “Teach Me How To Love: Why What You Don’t Know Will Hurt You.”
Tip #1 – Believing your mate should act and behave as you would
Men and women are different beings and they think and behave differently. Secondly everyone has different life experiences that form their views on life and love. With that said we all have to seek to understand one another instead of blaming one another when our mate doesn’t behave as we would in given situations.
Tip #2 – Not checking in and getting too comfortable
As seasons change in relationships then needs and desires change. Consistent ope and honest communication is key as no one can read minds. Closed mouths don’t get fed.
Tip #3 – Allowing too many people in your business
People on the outside only know one side of the story of your relationship, thus their input will usually be biased. The more opinions you allow in your relationship the less time is being spent communicating with one another.
Sandy Weiner, founder of Last First Date, is devoted to helping women achieve healthy off-the-charts love in the second half of life. An internationally known TEDx speaker, dating coach, and motivational speaker, Sandy specializes in helping women communicate effectively, set clear boundaries in relationships, and increase their confidence and self-worth.
Tip #1 – Defensiveness
If your partner confronts you with an issue, don’t get defensive. Listen carefully. Hear them out. Then, share your perspective, and be accountable if you’re at fault.
Tip #2 – Stonewalling
Nothing worse than being shut out or shut down. If your partner is upset, and you feel flooded with emotion, tell them it’s not a good time to talk. You need to calm down and gather your thoughts. Let them know when you will be able to talk so you don’t leave the issue unresolved.
Tip #3 – Criticism
Healthy relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positives vs. negatives. Build positivity by focusing on appreciating your partner, not constant criticism, which erodes the relationship. Focus on the good, and you’ll soon find more good in one another.
Dr. Marla is referred to as THE Intimacy Expert, and her work has focused in great part on couples and relationships, specifically emotional intimacy and enhanced communication. She has developed the Intimacy Prenup™, which is a tool used by engaged couples to increase their intimacy and build a proper, stable foundation for marriage – even before the marriage.
Tip #1 – Getting stuck in place of conflict
All couples have times when they disagree and experience conflict. When this process becomes unhealthy is when you as a couple do not have the skills to quickly move through the conflict and get to a place of resolution. The longer you remain in a place of negative emotions together, the greater the chance that your relationship will suffer as a result.
Tip #2 – Inability to effectively communicate expectations
Many couples get swept up in the chemistry of their relationship and believe that the practical details of the relationship will be worked out simply because they love one another. Although the love that is felt between the two of you may be unconditional, relationships have a conditional nature to them in that they must work on a practical level.
Tip #3 – Broken agreements
Nothing erodes trust quicker than believing you are on the same page with your partner – because you have come to a mutually agreed-upon decision – only to find out that he or she has made a unilateral decision that doesn’t align with the agreement. No trust. No relationship.
Rachel Russo helps people learn to love their love life no matter what their status.For the past eleven years she has been working in the dating coaching and matchmaking industry in New York City. Her philosophy for success is to use a holistic approach that combines matchmaking and dating + relationship, + image coaching, as well as some good old-fashioned tough love.
Tip #1 – Unrealistic expectations
Having hidden motivations and unspoken expectations are one of the main killers of a relationship. It is super important for couples to be on the same page–aware of each other’s agendas. This inability to share the truth about what wants from a relationship is toxic and can lead to resentment and a breakdown of the relationship.
Tip #2 – Lack of communication
If people are unable to communicate their true feelings about the dynamic of the relationship and their life in general, it is a huge problem. A relationship should be a safe place to say what you feel.
Tip #3 – Lack of physical attraction
If a relationship is a romantic one, the spark must be maintained. If couples let themselves go, gain weight, do not make effort with their appearances as the relationship progresses, etc, they can lose physical attraction. Without that a relationship is platonic at best.
Dr. Christian Conte is perhaps the country’s most accomplished mental health specialist in the field of anger management. He is one of only a handful of people who have level V anger management certification. Dr. Conte has several books and videos that are used in institutions around the world to train counselors, as well as educate people in anger management.
Tip #1 – Greed is selfishness
Greed is selfishness and a relationship is a two way street. Although we are all in a sense selfish to some degree (because we do have to take care of ourselves), increased selfishness leads to relationship trouble (usually in the form of dishonesty, infidelity, etc.).
Tip #2 – Anger
Anger is a natural emotion, and if it’s dealt with in a healthy way, it can be a catalyst for growth. Unfortunately, however, if anger is not dealt with in a healthy way, it can lead to resentment at a minimum, and violence at a maximum, both of which are relationship killers.
Tip #3 – Delusion
Delusion is the idea that we believe we have the answers (when in fact, we are all fallible and still learning). In terms of a relationship, this comes in the form of needing to be right or being attached to our thoughts or beliefs. The more we believe we are right and others are wrong, the more the relationship turns into a one-up/one-down situation, rather than a shared experience.
Lisa Copeland is known as the expert on over 50’s dating. She’s the best-selling author of The Winning Dating Formula For Women Over 50 and a regular Huffington Post contributor. Her mission is to help as many women around the world as she can discover how to have fun dating and finding their Mr. Right after 50.
Tip #1 – Revealing too much
One of the biggest mistakes women make is revealing too much of their baggage early on as a relationship is just starting. It’s like you’re testing the guy to see if he’ll like you…issues and all.
Men are happy to help you with your issues over time. But what a man can tolerate once he’s in a relationship with you will more than likely scare him off, if it’s revealed too early.
Tip #2 – Losing your identity to a man
While looking for Mr. Right, hopefully you’ve created a wonderful life for yourself, participating in various activities you love and enjoy. This is an essential for creating the inner glow men find themselves so drawn to.When you do this, the inner glow you’ve created starts to become dull and you start to seem clingy and needy as you depend on him to fill what’s missing in you.
Tip #3 – Conducting a first date as if it’s a job interview
Finally, many women ruin the chances of starting a great relationship by conducting a first date as if it’s a job interview. I can’t tell you the number of women who tell me they know in 3 minutes or less whether a man is right for them. I ask them, “What do you base this on?” and the answer I always get is, “I can just tell.”.
A London-based Psychosexual Therapist, Kate helps clients get to a place of sexual health, happiness and well-being. She has also launched Pillow, a playful intimacy app for couples.
Tip #1 – Resentment
Resentment builds up in a relationship and then creates a vacuum which is very difficult to overcome. The best thing to do would be to discuss with your partner about the things that make you unhappy.
Tip #2 – Lack of Intimacy
Intimacy is just about sex or physical needs of an individual, it’s what makes us feel special and unique from other relationships. Loss of intimacy makes the relationship feeling meandering and aimless.
Tip #3 – Balance Between Dependence and Independence
While every story is not like a fairy tale where we meet the person who can fulfill our every want in life, reality seldom works that way. Not everything has to be shared, balance is the key.
Marina Margulis is the founder and CEO of NY Socials. Marina has successfully worked with some of the most affluent men, providing matchmaking as well as dating and relationship coaching services. Marina looks at every relationship differently, and presents each of her clients with a unique approach and solution to suit his dating wants and needs.
Tip #1 – Lack of Compromise
We all come into relationships as individuals set in our ways – with a set of beliefs, habits and preferences. We expect our partners to accommodate us, yet we don’t feel the need to adjust our ways to compliment the relationship dynamic. Relationships are not easy – you have to work on them. Not every decision warrants a battle.
Tip #2 – Jealousy (Read: insecurity)
As far as I’m concerned, jealousy is a side effect of a whole bunch of symptoms: insecurity, lack of trust, possessiveness, etc. There are a number of traits – most of them your internal traits, that manifest themselves in this green eyed monster..
Tip #3 – Settling
Way too often people settle for the person they’re with – as opposed to the one that gives them butterflies. It may be a matter of convenience, habit or delusion, but we often box ourselves into relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, is an integrative trauma psychotherapist in private practice outside of Baltimore, Maryland, United States. She is passionate about helping survivors of childhood trauma find deep, meaningful connection with self and their partners, family and friends using mindfulness, somatic methods and expressive arts.
Tip #1 – Conflict Avoidance
In a relationship, you don’t have actively avoid a confrontation every time you need to decide on something simple such as a place to eat out from. Being respectful and kind goes a long way.
Tip #2 – Fear of Emotional Intimacy
Due to past traumatic experiences and because try to repress bad memories, they are emotionally withdrawn to their partners. This causes further complications in the relationship.
Tip #3 – Lack of Attunement
If the relationship is suffering from people not having the ability to tune-in to each other’s feelings, then there are definitely going to be problems.
Kate Campbell is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MT 2369), Hypnotherapist, Adjunct Faculty Member in the Family Therapy Department at Nova Southeastern University, and Immediate Past President of the Broward Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
Tip #1 – Contempt
It’s like pouring sulfuric acid on a relationship. When one partner feels better than the other, it can lead to disgust, anger, sarcasm, and/or verbally abusive interactions. Relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, says contempt is the #1 predictor for divorce..
Tip #2 – Lack of Communication
When partners withdraw, shut down, and avoid communicating about their needs and wants desires, it breeds resentment which is toxic. Couples must talk openly and be emotionally vulnerable with one another.
Tip #3 – Losing Oneself in the Relationship
If one partner completely loses themselves in the relationship, it can be detrimental over time. Relationships are about compromise so it’s important to do things that both partners enjoy.
Debra is a licensed Psychologist and has her own practice in Encino and Thousand Oaks, California. She helps couples rebuild and strengthen their relationships. Debra feels that people “misbehave” and/or lose hope because they simply don’t know how to work through a buildup of resentment.
Tip #1 – Non-remorseful Infidelity
While many relationships have recovered following a transgression, if cheating occurs and there is no “guilt” on the part of the cheater, the relationship is doomed. If there is any chance of healing from the wounds of betrayal, the cheater must genuinely take full responsibility for the act of cheating and demonstrate remorse.
Tip #2 – Promises Repeatedly Broken
Many of us, and people-pleasers especially, feel compelled to tell others things they think others will want to hear. But you’ll be far better served if you pause before you make agreements.
Tip #3 – Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments
Unexpressed/Unresolved Resentments create disdain and contempt for one’s partner and ultimately destroy the relationship. They are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Not a healthy recipe for success! So find a way to rid yourself of them and accept what is or move on.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a clinical social worker and a psychoanalyst specializing in adult treatment. She has a full-time private practice in psychotherapy on the upper west side of New York City. Hilary works with people to build on the their strengths and help them attain healing and growth.
Tip #1 – Forgetting to be kind
Even during conflict, it is important to speak to your partner respectfully. All people, men and women, have universal needs for love, understanding, respect, and connection.
Tip #2 – Abandonment
Do not abandon your partner in the middle of a discussion that is important to your partner. During conflict, it’s important to stay present and keep talking until both partners feel heard and understood.
Tip #3 – Insults
Hurling insults or character assassinations will never help. It puts your partner in a defense mode activating the brains survival fight/flight strategies. This causes disconnection from each other and forestalls communication.
Lynn Polizzi, LCSW is a New York licensed clinical social worker who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy, and has her own private practice in Gardeny City and Melville, NY. And has around 20 years of experience as a social worker.
Tip #1 – Contempt
That is such an insidious toxic chemical that leaches into relationships and destroys them. Contempt comes in so many forms and can be both passive and/or aggressive. It is the day to day picking on each other that results in a violent outburst.
Tip #2 – Dead ears
Number two is “Dead Ears” and this ailment ruins relationships. You know the term selective hearing. Well, Dead Ears is just that. It is only deafness in the relationship. It slowly defeats each of you and you feel so empty.
Tip #3 – Avoidance
This is the worst. The others at least involve minimal engagement. But avoidance builds like a tsunami and when it hits the tipping point, watch out. This is the partner who never complains and holds everything in and finally bursts out for no reason one day.
Patrick is a firm believer that it’s possible to control your body with the power of your mind. On Wingman Magazine, his self-development blog for men, he helps guys around the world to become happier, improve sexual performance and boost their dating life.
Tip #1 – Lack of communication
The ability to lead an open conversation will stop resentment from building and help you to avoid misunderstandings. It’s crucial to listen to your partner’s side and put yourself in their shoes.
Tip #2 – Different life goals
Oftentimes people grow apart over the time of their relationship and don’t share the same life goals anymore. It’s important to share a similar perception of the world with someone you want to build a long-term relationship.
Tip #3 – Lack of sexual attraction
Sometimes the real problem is strictly physical. To keep that sexual spark alive, ensure a quality time with your partner (when you both have energy to enjoy each other’s company), make them feel that you still find them attractive… and keep yourself attractive too!.
Ken Solin is the author of the books “The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online” and “Act Like a Man” His work as an author and speaker over the last two decades has given him unique and powerful insights into the topics that men and women want to better understand.
Tip #1 – Lack of emotional communication
Unless a couple can have conversations about issues in their relationship that emanate from their hearts and not just their heads, the relationship will die because problems will never get resolved.
Tip #2 – Physical intimacy
Physical intimacy connection doesn’t get deepened – expanding the sexual nature of a relationship requires the ability and willingness for both partners to discuss sex in a constructive manner.
Tip #3 – Projections
While it’s common for couples to project who they feel each other is based on who they’d like the other person to be in the beginning of a relationship, relationships have to move beyond the projection phase in order to deal with what really is rather than what is the fantasy.
Pam works on some of the nation’s highest profile cases and learning as much about crime, forensics and missing persons as meditation, intuition and spiritual healing. Several television shows have documented her work over the years, live on-camera, most notably Sensing Murder for Investigation Discovery. Today she teaches others to embrace their unconventional selves, be it through remote viewing, psychic detective work or deep spiritual studies.
Tip #1 – Unresolved childhood injuries
We marry our unresolved issues in attempt to heal them. However, choosing a partner who will push these painful or challenging buttons in us is often subconscious. For instance, if you had a hypercritical parent you may choose a partner who criticizes you. Whatever makes you most angry in your partner is the very place to begin examining yourself.
Tip #2 – Blame
The blame game is familiar to all of us. When things go wrong, it’s naturally their fault. Learning to love and accept yourself will allow you to take responsibility for your role in difficulties. As soon as you catch yourself complaining “he/she never does…..” it’s time to stop and ask yourself if you have unfair or unexpressed expectations. Step out of victim mentality.
Tip #3 – Fear
Fear is the opposite of love. The irony of course, is love triggers your fears because it renders you uncomfortably vulnerable. When operating from fear and insecurity rather than love though, it can slowly chip away at a relationship. Fear restricts deep and lasting intimacy by causing us to behave in a defensive manner rather than choosing a more heart-centered and honest approach.
Over the course of a year and a half, Christina experienced profound inner transformation and opened a previously closed door to her ability to communicate with Spirit. Today, Christina walks her path with joy and purpose. The powerful and loving healing energy she channels has transformed the lives of those who work with her. When people ask her what her mission in life is, Christina always answers with these simple words: “To be space and stillness”.
Tip #1 – Attachment
This is probably the most difficult pattern to remove from the relationship but in my opinion, it’s absolutely necessary. As long as we look upon another human being as someone we “need” in order to complete us or make our lives more “whole”…then that automatically means we’re operating from a foundation of “unwholesomeness” and “incompleteness”.
Tip #2 – Superficial Sex
Currently, sex is still widely used as a) a purely physical, to obtain a quick orgasm, b) to procreate, and c) to pleasure the partner. And I believe this is why a great number of women have such frequent “headaches”. Couples that can reach what I call “Cosmic Orgasms” are the ones that stay together longer and love more deeply.
Tip #3 – Focusing only on the relationship
Living the relationship as the “center” of your life, instead of a “complement” to it. Romantic partnerships are absolutely wonderful and bring us so much love and joy. But it’s always important to understand that we are here in this lifetime to do specific “work”. This is what some call a “life mission” or “purpose”. There are differences between living “for” someone and “with” someone.
Laura Probert, MPT is a holistic physical therapist, published author, inspirational teacher, poet, and black belt in Tae Kwon Do. She’ll help you heal the stuff that gets in the way of you writing, creating and running your life and business like the brave healer you are. She’s serious about integrating mind, body and soul as a journey to passion and power and it’s her mission to show you how.
Tip #1 – Fear
When someone has been conditioned since childhood to react to life with fear and anxiety, and their partner is unable to hold a healing space in that relationship for it, fear will eventually corrode every aspect of that relationship.
Tip #2 – Low Self-Esteem
Both people in a relationship are coming from different backgrounds, upbringing and conditioning. If one or both do not feel worthy, that one thing will slowly kill a relationship.
Tip #3 – Lack of joy
Ultimately I believe we are here to experience pleasure, joy, intimacy, happiness and even bliss. If one partner lives regularly in negativity and pessimism, this will eat away at a relationship, creating an environment that is toxic to the other.
Jorden Roper is a fuchsia-haired freelance writer for hire and founder of the Writing Revolt blog, where she writes no-BS advice for freelance writers and bloggers. When she’s not working, you can find her traveling, playing music in her band, or hanging out with her Chihuahuas.
Tip #1 – Lack of healthy communication
Some people respond to conflict by shutting their partner out and giving them the silent treatment, while others respond in a more aggressive (or even verbally abusive) way. Either of these responses can easily cause a relationship to become toxic.
Tip #2 – Resentment
If one or both people in the relationship feel resentful, that anger will keep building up and causing problems. Avoiding resentment is one of the main reasons it’s so important to be honest and communicate openly – even about the difficult stuff.
Tip #3 – Selfishness
Long-term relationships require lots of compromise. If one of the people involved is selfish and unwilling to compromise at all, the other partner will end up angry and resentful because they won’t feel like their needs are being met.
As seen on OPRAH, best-selling author/relationship expert Susan Winter (Allowing Magnificence and Older Women/Younger Men) specializes in evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. She writes, speaks and coaches on accessing our inherent perfection in life and love. In radio Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, PLAYBOY NETWORK (Sirius Radio), and CBS News Radio.
Tip #1 – Lack of appreciation
We all need to feel valued, and that our efforts are appreciated. This is especially true in partnership. Instead of noting our mate’s flaws, we can shift the focus to what they’re doing right. A warm, “Thank you” and “I really appreciate that” goes a long way to restore harmony and goodwill.
Tip #2 – Lack of honest, detailed communication
Communication is routinely noted for being a strong unifying force in relationships. However, few experts break down “how” to communicate with our mate. Oftentimes, we’ll note our discord in a statement— but not include the “why” and our “preferred behavior”. Stating our “why” gives our partner valuable insight as to the basis for our emotional response.
Tip #3 – Lack of play and adventure
As couples get into the routine of day-to- day life together, they often forget to have fun. Their remnant non-work hours can end up being used for errands, and other personal responsibilities. Scheduling interesting activities together allows the couple to play, relax, and get lost in their adventure. It sparks growth, and activates our biological reward centers.
Cole is a writer, artist, and photographer. She has written multiple blog posts and articles for a variety of publications, including her own site, Peace and Chaos. Cole loves spending time with her husband and daughter, and their two pets.
Tip #1 – Love yourself
The first one is when you stop taking care of yourself. That old saying, “if you want to be loved, first love yourself”, well it’s true.
Tip #2 – Communication
The second thing is communicating; you have to talk to your spouse regularly and openly if you want it to last.
Tip #3 – Compromise
And finally, you have to learn to compromise, because no matter what relationship you’re in it isn’t always about you.
For over 20 years, Dr. Wendy Lyon has educated, inspired and empowered people – as a psychology professor, personal development teacher, master relationship and life coach, author and speaker. She has helped hundreds of individuals and couples transform their lives and create loving relationships. In her book, Roadmap to Success with Deepak Chopra and Ken Blanchard, Wendy outlines her roadmap to relationship success.
Tip #1 – Choosing your partner unconsciously
Many couples get together when there’s a sexual spark and something in common, like a shared interest in dancing or hiking or theatre. However, more often than not, this is not enough to sustain a long term relationship and you’ll find yourself trying to change your partner into someone who is a better match for you. It never works.
Tip #2 – Needing to be right
When needing to be right is more important than having harmony in your relationship, your relationship is doomed. Don’t focus on who’s right or better. Remember you are a team and you need to support each other for win-win solutions.
Tip #3 – Not tuning in to your partner
When you don’t listen to the words and body language of your partner, you’re missing out on an opportunity for connection. Be curious, interested and stay tuned in to your partner. Give your partner space and encouragement to express him/herself fully. When you tune in with love and appreciation, your partner will feel adored and respected and your relationship will bloom.
Julian’s work encompasses everything from delivering workshops on how to identify and deal with anger, to helping individuals to combat stress by improving their emotional resilience. Julian’s continually evolving mindset has led to him developing an innovative training product for HGV and Bus/Coach drivers which is unique and will soon be licensed to several major national hauliers.
Tip #1 – Forgetting
Forgetting the reasons you that compelled you to get together in the first place. In this world where we are too quick to accumulate assets and move on relationships can get treated in the same way.
Tip #2 – Not dealing with stress well
Stress is one of the biggest factors in conflict. Conflict kills relationships. Stress is about our relationship with fear. How we manage that relationship will affect our relationships especially when trust is fear related as to is out need for approval.
Tip #3 – Inability to move on
Our inability to let the relationship move, morph and change over time, I know this sounds contradictory to the first point but it isn’t. Remembering the fantastic qualities that drew you together is great. Not being prepared for the relationship to change according to circumstances and wishing it could stay the same is unhealthy and unwise.
Vironika Tugaleva is a life coach, speaker, and award winning author of The Love Mindset.
Tip #1 – A lack of self-awareness
Tip #2 – A lack of patience
Tip #3 – A lack of compassion
These will cause conflict (which is inevitable) to degrade the connection.
While, building up those skills can make conflict into a source of growth and deeper understanding.
Iona Is a Love Coach helping people write their own love story. She specialises in helping single women find the best relationship with themselves and each other.
Tip #1 – Lack of quality time spent
You can have the physical and emotional chemistry but if you don’t take time out of your busy lives, it can be easy to drift apart. Set aside at least one day a week where you both spend quality time together. Sitting in front of the TV together doesn’t count. =)
Tip #2 – Little communication
We are not mind readers and I have seen so many couples bottle up their emotions and that leads to resentment. In healthy relationships, couples should always feel comfortable to express their emotions whether they are angry, happy or frustrated.
Tip #3 – Self-Love
This one is pretty straightforward yet one many forget. You can’t truly love another person unless you fully love yourself first. Learn to develop a great relationship with yourself and your love relationships will thank you for it.
Jay Krunszyinsky has worked with parents, families, adults and children in various therapeutic roles and systems of care. He has developed and managed crisis units and day programs for adults and children that experienced thought, emotional and behavioral disturbances in life. Jay is the President of Relationships Unlimited, LLC where he manages his websites and published works.
Tip #1 – Negative state
The first cause is a person’s negative emotional state. In order to further elaborate on this cause, the reader must understand and accept the premise that his or her emotional state is a personal choice. Until a person in a relationship can accept this truth, he or she will continue to blame people, places, and circumstances on his or her unhappiness
Tip #2 – Depending for happiness on others
The second relationship killer occurs when couples believe that their happiness is dependent upon the words and actions of the other. During the initial stages in relationships, couples may not make the connection that their happiness and joy are driving the actions and reactions to one another.
Tip #3 – Challenges as insurmountable problems
The third relationship killer surfaces when couples see challenges as insurmountable problems and communication breaks down. Couples will encounter challenges with careers, finances, health, and their relationship as part of a life journey of learning, growth and discovery. When couples work through these challenges, they will grow stronger together in all aspects.
Chris Manak is the founder of Manic Workshops and is Australia’s most renowned and sought after dating coach for men. He is a regular speaker and has been featured in national and international media.
Tip #1 – Giving up on passions
So many people see relationships as being “game over” – where they no longer have to put in the work. They give up on their passions, let their health and fitness go, stop chasing their dreams – they get comfortable and complacent. This can get very unattractive, and also can keep people quietly unhappy in themselves, which will in turn affect the relationship. Keep that passion for life alive. Keep going to the gym, keep setting goals, keep moving forward.
Tip #2 – Not getting to the real cause of issues
Often when people are arguing over petty things, there are underlying issues that aren’t being addressed. She might be nagging about the garbage but she really doesn’t feel appreciated. He might be complaining about her nagging when really he feels the sex life has stagnated. It’s critical to keep communication open about the real matters and not let them fester and mutate into a bunch of other problems.
Tip #3 – Unfulfilling sex life
A healthy and fulfilling sex life is critical to a successful relationship. Someone who is unfulfilled sexually will often be quietly resentful and will often find other reasons to be annoyed (refer to point. Don’t get complacent in this area. Stay fit and sexy, and keep learning and growing sexually.
Dr. Ruxandra LeMay is a psychologist that specializes in couples’ therapy, addiction, and mood disorders. She is passionate about women’s mental health issues, parenting, and how to manage healthy interpersonal relationships. She is the author of “My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: the 2-Minute Solution For a Happier Marriage” available here
Tip #1 – Communication, Communication, Communication
Regardless of how compatible a couple is while they were dating, they will always find a reason to disagree on. The more compatible they are, the fewer arguments they will have. After the initial period, couples have a tendency to observe imperfections in their partners more clearly.
As a Law of Attraction Practitioner and Love and Lifestyle coach, Leslie Ziemba helps men and women to overcome challenges related to dating in mid-life and guiding them to having a thriving life and love!
Tip #1 – Not setting clear intentions and boundaries
For instance, if you say, “I want to get married again someday.” And your significant other or prospect says, “I don’t want to ever get married again.” So often people think “Oh they will change their mind once they fall in love with me.” You are setting yourself up for heartache. Know your top 5 must-haves, set clear intentions and do not sway from what is most important to you.
Tip #2 – Unrealistic Expectations
Most of the time when someone is not meeting our expectations or making us happy in relationships, it’s a clear indication of the areas that we might not be happy with ourselves or we are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Tip #3 – How much do you love yourself?
Someone who has a lot of self-worth, clearly understands #1 and #2, and doesn’t seek another person’s acceptance to satisfy their needs, have a much easier time sustaining a healthy relationship.
Dr. Cheryl Fraser is an insightful, inspiring, and entertaining Fulbright Fellowship award-winning psychologist and sex therapist who combines academic credibility, humour and straight talk to provide expertise for all manner of modern media. As a columnist for Mindful and Best Health magazines she explores love, sex, relationships, meditation and the human experience.
Tip #1 – Contempt
Treating your mate like they are “less than you” – expressing disgust, putting them down, insulting their intelligence – is a big divorce predictor. Not to mention the worst aphrodisiac ever.
Tip #2 – Forgetting how to Have Fun!
Relationships thrive on novelty, fun, and play…you know, all the stuff we do when we are dating. So Keep the Fun in your Love Affair. Don’t forget, Foreplay has the word PLAY right in it.
Tip #3 – Kill the soul mate!
Having a subconscious template for the perfect mate is a great way to create discontent with the actual mate you chose.
Steven Creary has over two decades of experience as a Relationship & Life Coach. He helps individuals and couples find greater happiness and balance. He also works with families to mend and/or strengthen stressed relationships; with individuals to break bad habits, improve self-esteem, and fortify career and/or relationship issues..
Tip #1 – Communication
When we have thoughts on our minds and cannot articulate them or feel uncomfortable sharing, they fester and cause deeper problems and resentment in the relationship.
Tip #2 – Sex
When our sexual desires are not aligned with our partners, there is an unspoken pressure. Having the ability to share and work out some common ground is essential in finding balance in that relationship.
Tip #3 – Reaching an agreement
Negotiating and reaching an agreement of expectations, reduces the stress and anxiety.
In long-term relationships, finance may add unnecessary pressure. Once again it comes back to communication and honesty in discussing the situation and how to resolve it.
Melissa Josue is a blogger and relationship success coach. She specializes in working with stepmoms-to- be and women who are in a relationship with a single dad or dating divorced or separated man.
Tip #1 – Not Being Intentional
There are different types of dating and types of relationships such as recreational dating (dating just for fun and recreation) and committed dating (dating to find a long-term partner). Both are
very different approaches and intentions toward dating. But if you’re unsure of your intention then you’re not going to attract long-term prospects
Tip #2 – Not Managing Your Baggage
We all have a past. Having baggage isn’t a bad thing; we all have baggage, things that trigger our fears and insecurities. Sometimes those fears can sabotage our relationship if we don’t know how to manage them. Managing your baggage means being aware of what your triggers are and doing the inner work necessary to not let them interfere with the success of your relationship.
Tip #3 – Not Having a Shared Vision
Everyone, whether they are conscious of it or not, has a vision for the kind of life and relationship that they really want. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important that you and your partner not only support each other’s vision, but also that you have a shared vision for the kind of future that you want together.
Uta Demontis, Ph.D. is a professional Relationship Coach and Clinical Sexologist. Uta works with men, women and couples who desire to have a fulfilling love and sex life.
Tip #1 – Ineffective communication
Good communication is an important part of keeping a relationship strong and healthy. Without this key skill, one will face great obstacles in an intimate relationship. It is important that partners are able to share their thoughts, feelings, needs, desires or opinions and that they are heard and understood by the other
Tip #2 – Inability to resolve conflict
When a couple is unable to resolve conflict, issues begin to pile up. Resentment builds and partners stop trusting each other. As a consequence, they disconnect and drift apart from each other. Conflict resolution skills can be learned and are crucial to a successful relationship.
Tip #3 – Lack of physical intimacy / sex
Physical intimacy strengthens the bond between partners. Regular sex nurtures intimacy, offers reassurance and provides the realization that both partners are wanted and needed. Sex is the ‘glue’ to a romantic relationship.
After weathering many storms Jenny Leigh began creating the life she longed for. Since redesigning her life she has become passionate about helping others do the same and so created her personal development and psychology blog. Through her blog, Jenny embarks with you on a journey of personal transformation – covering everything from stress management to achieving lasting change.
Tip #1 – Lying
if you see your husband looking worse for wear I’m not suggesting you tell him he looks awful – there is always a kind response to the question ‘Do I look ok?’ but blatant secrecy and lying about the important stuff is a no go if you want a healthy relationship that lasts.
Tip #2 – Distrust
Often we bring our past experiences into our present relationships so if someone has cheated or betrayed us in the past it may be more difficult to trust new people (even though they may be totally trustworthy). Of course if someone gives you a reason to mistrust them it isn’t always wise to trust them
Tip #3 – Resentment
Often resentment builds when we don’t assertively express ourselves. She didn’t do the dishes leads to she never does the dishes which can lead to she doesn’t do anything. Very soon a resentment has built up which is incredibly destructive and difficult to address. Rather learn how to assert yourself diplomatically and kindly to those important to you.
Julia has always taken the time to make a deep connection with every person she’s come in contact with, making it a priority to remember each one. With every new client, she gets to know them on a personal level, their needs, wants and desires for their future mate. After the initial meeting, Julia personally hand selects a potential match from her database or by meeting and recruiting new clientele.
Tip #1 – Dishonesty
Tip #2 – Lack of communication
Tip #3 – Lack of trying or loss of quality time together
Shannon Dee is a prairie girl at heart determined to make the world a better place one act of kindness at a time. She believes in the power of people and the individual power each person has to change their circumstance. She has a genuine desire to empower others to seek happiness in every day as she consistently seeks her own.
Tip #1 – Expectation
Having a preconceived notion of what your partner should be or should not be doing. Expectation just leads to disappointment (and probably a lot of miscommunication in the meantime).
Tip #2 – Self love
Or lack of self-love. Many in relationships are expecting the other person to be their source of self-love. When they don’t show us love (to the standards we need or want), people start to question their own worthiness. This causes people to act out in many different ways (and leads to a lot of miscommunication in the meantime). We just focus on the love outside of us.
Tip #3 – Acceptance
Or lack of acceptance. Not accepting our partners for exactly who they are right now and what they can give us right now. Many people in relationships want to change the other person, turning them into what we feel they should be. Not accepting our partners for who they are right now is rejecting them. This causes them to not feel good enough.
Arlene Vasquez Washburn is a Certified Matchmaker and Relationship Expert featured on WOR 710, NY’s #1 Talk Radio. She is the founder of AVConnexions, LLC and creator of the Get REAL, Get Love Coaching System for women. Arlene is the CEO of the Matchmaking Institute in NYC. She is a sought after speaker and an ongoing contributor to Change Your Attitude, Change Your Life online magazine and radio show.
Tip #1 – Criticism
Being critical of your partner instead of voicing your complaint, or offering critique without malice…it’s all about how you say it, not what you say!
Tip #2 – Contempt
Contempt back to the malice…if you’re communicating in a mean, sarcastic, disrespectful manner, well…what goes around comes around.
Tip #3 – Defensiveness
If you’re looking for excuses to get your partner to back off, instead of listening to the critiques and putting effort towards making things better, you’re not fixing anything. Remember, if your partner is talking and you’re just thinking of your smart, witty, stinging reply, you’re not really listening at all.
Cheyenne Bostock is a Life & Relationship Expert, Motivational Speaker and Author of two self-help books: “Break Every Chain” and “Food, Sex & Peace Of Mind”. He discovered his passion for helping people improve the quality of their relationships while he was living in a homeless shelter after a rough break-up experience.
Tip #1 – Relationship needs to be defined
“Before any relationship can be successful, the relationship needs to be defined. A relationship is any mutually beneficial partnership between two people who are working towards a common goal. It’s possible throughout the course of a relationship that one or more parties experiences a life changing alteration that may cause the relationship to come to an end.
Tip #2 – Exit strategy
Take for example a married couple; their exit strategy is communicated through a “Will”. Death puts an end to the relationship, however the memory and the legacy remains healthy because death was a part of the end result of the relationship. The marriage has plans as well; the vows present an overall idea of what to prepare for in the future and both party agrees.
Tip #3 – Blame
Many choose to blame money, infidelity or boredom as the cause of their relationship failure, but the truth is the relationship failed simply because one or both parties stopped trying. The key to a successful failure is quitting. If you never quit on your relationship, your relationship will never stop being successful.
Dr. Karin is the type of woman that stands by the advice she gives. In fact, to friends, this Mid-western beauty is often considered the ‘voice of reason,’ but in her own opinion, she is simply being authentic.Currently, Dr. Karin serves as a co-host and panelist on the nationwide tour of The Great Love Debate show produced by Carolla Digital. She has participated in the Las Vegas and Minneapolis shows and will be the ‘resident’ dating expert during the Great Love Debate in Chicago.
Rather than just giving her own opinion, she points to Dr John Gottman who has carried out comprehensive research in this area. These are what he feels would destroy relationships.
Tip #1 – Criticism
Attacking your partner at the core of who he/she is.
Tip #2 – Stonewalling
Giving your partner the “silent treatment” and emotionally removing yourself from the relationship i.e. “checking out.”
Tip #3 – Contempt
Disrespecting your partner through cruel comments and dismissive behaviors—the hallmark of which is eye-rolling. Dr.Gottman finds contempt to be the greatest predictor of divorce.A logical follow-up question to consider … did criticism, stonewalling, and contempt kill the relationship or did they appear once the relationship was already dead?
Valarie is a Certified Dating and Relationship Coach, Master Coach Teacher for Rori Raye, author of Attract Your Mr. Right. She’s also proof that a woman can attract exactly what she wants in a relationship. She helps take the effort out of attraction and makes it fun. If you’re having trouble attracting the kind of man you want, if you seem to “push away” the men you like, or you feel you’re running out of time – she can help you turn things around.
Tip #1 – Losing Yourself
It’s actually pretty common to become immersed in your partner’s life. It becomes a relationship killer when you start to lose yourself – you stop doing the things you did before you were coupled up. You lose your identity. This a turn-off to your partner & is unhealthy for you.
Tip #2 – Putting Your Happiness On Your Partner
You have to know how to make yourself happy. Yes, being with someone you love usually makes you happy, but unless you’re truly happy with yourself & have things outside the relationship (painting, hiking, yoga) that fill you up, your partner will start to feel pressure. No one wants to be solely responsible for making you happy.
Tip #3 – Complaining
Life seeps into all relationships, even the fairytale ones. And it’s easy to start focusing on all the little things that annoy you about your partner. And then you start complaining. You have to remind yourself, every day, of all the little things he/she does that are wonderful & special. Not only that, you have to tell your partner. Don’t keep it to yourself.
A 20-something female blogging about life’s toughest issues. Like, who to date next, and which city to travel to whilst dating him.
Tip #1 – Over doing it/ Stage 5 clinger…
Over texting, over calling, over gifting… too much of that and it will be over! Technically, we just met. We are just getting to know each other. If you over do it with me, it ends up feeling somewhat stalker-ish. Insecurities do arise at the beginning of a relationship, naturally, but things on overdrive are a major turn off.
Tip #2 – Bringing up the past
Why bring up past relationships, if you want to move forward in your current one? Comparing one relationship to the other is simply unfair. Treat every situation individually to avoid any future arguments or woes. It’s cool if we can chat about your ex and how he/she was a jerk, but that’s all. I don’t care about every detail of your past life with someone else,
Tip #3 – He/she doesn’t get along with my friends
Friends are hard to come by. Good friends are like family. Chances are my friends were there, and will be there for me, before and after my next fling. If you can’t get along with my friends, that’s like not getting along with me. I’ll have to break it off with my beau before I could even dream of losing my besties.
Nina is actively coaching singles and couples in St. Paul, Minnesota (by phone and in person) where she helps her clients discover the joy and peace that comes from liberation from unconscious living. Whether it’s finding your ideal mate, saving your marriage, or creating a better partnership than you have ever had, you CAN have what you seek.
Tip #1 – Thinking all you need is love
Thinking “love is all you need” and not consciously giving to your partner in ways that are meaningful to them. Loving your partner and not letting them know or showing them leads to them feeling taken for granted and eventually convinces them you really don’t love them.
Tip #2 – Self-hatred
Self-hatred or any unloving thoughts about yourself. What you think about yourself you will project upon your partner and soon you will be seeing them as you see yourself. Even if you manage to see them as the gift they are, you will think you are not worthy of them and will sabotage the relationship to prove yourself right.
Tip #3 – Never disagreeing and being conflict avoidant
This builds up resentment when you fail to get your needs met and is rather boring in the long run. A person who never speaks their mind in a relationship usually ends up so cut off from their own wants and needs that they shut down emotionally until there is nothing left to spark their interest and the relationship dies a slow death.
Dr Geoffrey Arnold is an experienced counsellor who has worked with people with anxiety and depression issues (including ‘at-risk’ of suicide), grief, and general adjustment to life’s challenges. He is also a marriage counsellor and educator. He has a multidisciplinary PHD in education, philosophy, psychology and theology that focused on the big topic of ‘wisdom’.
Tip #1 – Unrepaired Loss of Emotional Trust
Emotional trust can be lost by any persistent patterns of manipulation and deception. The focus on sexual infidelity is a media-driven one, but emotional trust can be permanently lost by any kind of unrepaired loss of genuineness, honesty and truthfulness in a relationship.
Tip #2 – Power Struggles
This also is not simply about a situation where one or both partners are trying to be dominant in the relationship. The meaning I would give to a ‘power struggle’ pertains to any situation where partners are unable to engage in a reasonable negotiation of issues.
Tip #3 – Lack of Reception
This is the situation where partners are repeatedly not listening in a way that reflects the true intended meanings of what is being expressed. The communication process accordingly becomes blocked.
Dr Mari Kovanen, CPsychol, is a Counselling Psychologist in private practice in London and Surrey, UK. She primarily works with women, who have lost their sparkle whilst anxiety and depression has taken over their life affecting their relationships, body image and relationship with food.
Tip #1 – Commitment Problems
Inability to commit and continuously looking for the next best thing whist the partner is never “enough”.
Tip #2 – Emotional Intimacy
Fear of letting partner close and keeping them at a distance.
Tip #3 – Obsessiveness and Possessiveness
Becoming obsessive and possessive in the relationship.
Kirsten Lind Seal, PhD, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist in private practice who specializes in couple and family relationships. She speaks English, French and Spanish and is Adjunct Assistant Professor of MFT at Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota. She co-hosts a biweekly segment on relationships entitled “Relationship Reboot” on WCCO (CBS) TV’s Midmorning show.
Tip #1 – Indifference
The biggest relationship killer in my book is indifference. The problem is that by the time couples get to the point of not caring, the relationship is often past saving. The opposite of love is NOT hate, it is apathy. So that one is Number 1 in my book.
Tip #2 – Rigidity
When people find it impossible to change and grow in relationship then it doesn’t matter how much they work on communication – rigidity in relationship (and I DON’T mean proper boundaries – this is something else) eventually leads to the death of said relationship.
Tip #3 – Tunnel vision
This is when each member of the couple cannot see outside of their own little tunnel of righteousness. Tunnel vision precludes the “seeing the other side of things” or “looking at it from another’s perspective.” If members of the couple are holding fast to their version of things, to how they are seeing things through their little tunnels, then the relationship is quite likely doomed.
Rachel Roos Pokorney, LCSW, is an expertly trained mental health therapist currently practicing in New York City. She is especially interested in the use of evidence-based therapy techniques to help people cope more effectively so that they can accomplish their goals. Rachel also specializes in anxiety, depression, relationship issues, career and work related issues, and parenting.
Tip #1 – Not communicating
One of the first things I always ask someone in individual therapy when they tell me about something that upsets them about their partner or something they are concerned about is: “Have you asked or told your partner about this?”. Unfortunately, often times the answer is no.
Tip #2 – Arguing poorly
Arguing in a relationship is normal and expected. It is how you argue that can make or break a relationship. John Gottman, a prominent couples’ therapist and researcher, identifies 4 ways of arguing that can lead to the downfall of a relationship. He calls them “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”. They include, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Tip #3 – Failing to constantly work to build and maintain emotional connection
Partners have to make a regular effort to know one another and support one another. This can be something as simple as a ritualized check in every day about what is going on in your partner’s life and offering support. If a couple doesn’t maintain an emotional connection they will start to grow apart.
John has been assisting children, families, and couples for almost a decade and for the last 3 years he’s dedicated time to assist these types of clients in Boca Raton, Florida. He specializes in school issues educational and behavioral.
Tip #1 – Taking People For Granted
Once people who are in a relationship are very comfortable, they just stop trying to keeping a relationship healthy and begin taking people for granted.
Tip #2 – Communication
Lack of effective communication and resorting to yelling, screaming and trying to prove your own point will end up in disastrous results for a relationship.
Tip #3 – Work, Work and MORE Work
People these days are obsessed with working. Working is a necessity but one should not let it consume his or her life. If happiness revolves too much around monetary gains, the relationship will suffer.
Michael Gabriel’s career as a successful media and technology executive (founding executive of the industry-transforming HBO GO project) provided him with broad experience in innovation, problem avoidance and problem solving. When faced with having to explain why he was moving out of the house to his beloved 7-year-old daughter, Michael’s self-reflection and research culminated in authoring a book, “The Balanced Relationship Barometer”, along with developing an innovative mobile app that supports relationship self-awareness and insight to see trends. Visit his site www.RelationshipBarometer.com and know about his work.
Tip #1 – Taking things for granted
Taking the good aspects of your relationship for granted (we call those sunny), and not acknowledging the fun and happy experiences you have together with your partner;
Tip #2 – Lack of communication
Attacking, rather than communicating, the aspects of your relationship that are causing you displeasure (we call those stormy). Instead of working together with your partner to improve those areas, you either ignore them hoping they’ll get better on their own, or focus totally on the negative, creating a defensive situation;
Tip #3 – Expectations
Not actually knowing what you’re looking for with your relationship, so that your partner is trying to hit a moving target. Expectations matter, and unless your expectations are in synch, the likelihood of a fulfilling relationship is unlikely. Relationships usually start off well, but not knowing what you’re looking for, and not paying attention, makes your odds of success worse than a coin toss.
Suzie Parkus is fast becoming a well-known dating coach in and around the UK as well as overseas. She has a regular slot on radio and a podcast, discussing love, dating, relationships and everything in-between.
Tip #1 – Self-worth
A lot of people self-sabotage relationships because of having had bad experiences with a previous relationship, or perhaps they have suffered a trauma of sorts. Heal by opening up to your partner.
Tip #2 – Poor Communication
A lot of people are very poor communicators. When upset with a partner it’s so easy to speak from a place of blame and anger and not from a place of feeling and acknowledgement.
Tip #3 – Not Knowing What You Want
A lot of people don’t know who they are or what they want, but they know a need is yet to be met. A woman will say I need a strong man to be made to feel safe or a man might look towards someone who is motherly.
She has worked professionally as a non-profit fundraiser and event planner since 2002 and gained experience as a volunteer planning in LGBT community events and raising money to open the GLCCA. She opened a K Grrlz Speed Dating in 2012 to offer the lesbians in our community a fun, alternative, and more productive way to privately meet other single Alaskan lesbians.
Tip #1 – Dishonesty
Tip #2 – Infidelity
Tip #3 – Lack of passion
As the child of two college professors, Cortney was raised in an academic environment. In addition to attaining a formal education in the classroom, she traveled extensively, getting a “real-world” education. She has also been featured in TED talks and her website.
Tip #1 – The TOP TOP TOP Way You Can Ruin a Relationship
You have unresolved issues that you bring to your current relationship without acknowledging that you are doing so. For example, you have issues trusting people because of your upbringing or experience with past dating partners. In your new relationships, you react as if your current significant other is cheating or has already cheated even though there is no evidence for it.
Judith Tutin is a licensed psychologist in Georgia and certified coach who has a life coaching and psychotherapy practice. She is an International Coach Federation Associate Certified Coach and a Certified Mentor Coach. Judith has practiced psychotherapy for over 25 years.
Tip #1 – Too much criticism, not enough praise.
Notice what your partner is doing right and praise them for it. Even when you give feedback that’s negative, keep it positive with your tone and by smiling and using humor and affection. Be clear about your needs and wants, in a calm, nonaggressive manner.
Tip #2 – Trying to argue things out instead of taking a timeout.
When conflict arises and you see tempers rising, agree in advance to take a timeout for a few minutes. Once you both cool down it’s much easier to listen and compromise.
Tip #3 – Leaning out instead of leaning in
While everyone needs space and independence, sharing time, intimacy, hobbies, thoughts and feelings is essential to maintaining healthy ties. Make and accept requests for intimacy and time for joint activities.
Karen Dougherty is a Toronto-based psychoanalytic psychotherapist and documentary filmmaker. She says that anxiety, panic attacks, depression, the aftermath of a break-up, feelings of “stuckness,” are many of the reasons people choose psychotherapy. Karen can be contacted for a face-to-face discussion about psychotherapy, free of cost.
Tip #1 – Dishonesty
Infidelity, lying about money, hiding aspects of ourselves and our past. The truth will come out. And it won’t be pretty.
Tip #2 – Unresolved trauma, loss, and abuse
If we don’t acknowledge our past pain, we are doomed to repeat it.
Tip #3 – Bad Communication
If we don’t communicate our needs – directly, clearly, lovingly – how can our partners fulfil them? If we need space, affection, time, kind words, sometimes all we need to do is ask.