Tina’s desire for sex HADN’T disappeared even though she thought it had!
Allow me to tell you a really lovely story – a true story.
I will tell you about Tina.
She is a 36-year-old woman.
She has two children, a really sweet husband, a dog, and two guinea pigs. She has a great and challenging job she really likes. She and her family live in a lovely house with a nice garden and are in the process of building an extension. Their friends are great.
All in all as Tina wrote to me: “We have all the makings of a great life”
But Tina didn’t send me an email to inform me that she was fine.
No, she sent me an email because she was desperate!
She wasn’t just desperate.
She was SO MUCH more than that.
She was about to:
”Rip out all of her hair”
“Burst in anger”
“No clue what to do”
“If we do not find a solution NOW, we will end up divorced” – Desperate and frustrated.
But she was also:
- Filled with guilt
- Filled with remorse
- About to lose hope
- Afraid her husband might cheat one day
- Extremely nervous that it could turn into a divorce
But most of all.
She missed her husband.
She missed him so much that it almost physically hurt.
But he wasn’t gone, out on a trip, working in foreign countries, stationed in the army or dead.
Tina missed her husband because she couldn’t “feel” him anymore!
In the last couple years, a striking and very unfortunate development took place in their relationship. They found themselves in a really sickening and cruel cycle and they were gradually ending up being friends living under the same roof.
Their “cruel” cycle sounded a lot like this:
Tina slowly lost her desire for sex and the desire to say: “Yes, you wonderful man” when her husband wanted to have sex.
Her husband often tried to initiate sex and was rejected over and over again.
She was very sad and frustrated.
He was also frustrated.
He had been understanding to a certain degree. She didn’t know why her desire was gone and so she didn’t know what to do about it.
He was getting more and more angry and reacted sarcastically a number of times. She became even sadder and didn’t want to have sex. She now stopped giving hugs and kisses. He became even more frustrated and she became even sadder.
Do you see where this is heading?
You very well might based on experience.
I have met M-A-N-Y people who feel this way who have no idea how to get out of this cruel cycle.
So late one night, Tina decided to contact me and secretly wrote an email hoping I could help her and her husband.
I could have offered her couple therapy sessions which I estimated would be around 8 sessions + the first session for clarification and objective setting – this would cost a minimum of $2,730.
On top of that we would have to schedule all the appointments where they would sit on the couch at my practice – at least some of those days would be on their days off or evenings during the week and they’d have to get a sitter etc.
And that was why she had gotten in touch with me in the first place.
She assumed that couple’s therapy was what they had to do.
But I suggested something else – A spot in my online workshop.
And as I wrote to her:
“I have a 100 % guarantee of content for up to four weeks after the last module so if you do not feel that I and the workshop have lived up to your expectations and the things that I have promised and you haven’t gotten any results at all, I will gladly refund your investment.”
It was not because I didn’t want to take them through couple’s therapy – I would love to – but I thought that my online workshop would provide them with what they needed.
They signed up for the workshop.
I didn’t hear from them until a few days ago where I received another mail from Tina and now also from her husband.
They just wanted to say thanks and tell me a rather interesting story that I now get to tell you and I think that you will find relate.
And now it’s not that I want to change the topic in the middle of all this but do you understand what happens when we can’t rely on someone?
When you partner says: “I will be home at 5 pm and I will have done the groceries as well.”
And then your partner is home 5:20 pm and 20 % of the groceries are missing?
Or something else has been promised and ends in nothing. For the 117th time!
Tina knew ALL about that.
She had lived with that for about 12 years.
As the years went on, it got worse and worse. She had no confidence in her husband anymore.
She had forgotten to mention “that” in the first email because she had in fact not thought that it was of SUCH big importance for her.
And not the least her desire to have sex with Mr. “I cannot keep an appointment with my wife!”
But they had both realized it when together they had gone through the four modules, four Tuesday in a row. The parts about “The desire for sex and the relationship” and “The 7 worst relationship “killers” towards the desire for sex”, in particular, had made Tina and her husband take a hard look at each other.
Just to look at the facts.
Because they both realized what had caused her desire for sex to slowly disappear in the first place ooohhhhh…. SO slowly moved further and further away.
One of the 7 worst relationship “killers” is in fact “anger” and Tina was more or less furious, but she had kept it for herself.
Because it didn’t help expressing her frustrations.
She had tried to talk with him several times, but she was never met with understanding, acknowledgment or: “It will not happen again”.
No, she was instead faced with a man who couldn’t see that there was even a problem so why should he change his behavior?
When your partner feels there is a problem but you cannot see the problem so you don’t do anything?
You do not help with a solution?
You think it might go away?
You believe that it will be all right?
Yes, you basically let your partner try to solve his or her own problems WITHOUT your help.
Welcome to the human race!
After they had been through the workshop they had a long talk with the conversation technique I outline in the workshop that helps you talk about the difficult things without mixing it with everything else. Tina had to acknowledge that this is where their issues were.
Tina’s husband also acknowledged that here was something that he had to take responsibility for if the emotional balance in the relationship was to be reestablished and for them to have a future together.
Tina’s husband had to acknowledge that he just WASN’T good at keeping appointments.
But he had no such issues at work.
There he managed to be on time. Tina could almost drive him insane when she was too slow if they had to be at a party at a certain time.
Can you guess what this made Tina feel?
That she was the ONLY one that he didn’t manage to keep an appointment with.
That she didn’t mean that much to him
That she wasn’t ‘worth’ seeing
That he didn’t love her that much
That he didn’t care about her feelings
Because she had said so.
Many times and in many different ways.
In the beginning of their relationship she said it in a nice way.
When that wasn’t met with respect she had tried with “serious talks”.
But she was just dismissed.
He didn’t see the problem. Perhaps he thought that she was a bit touchy. And perhaps he had mentioned it once or twice perhaps even more.
But he forgot three very, very important points.
Tina is somewhat “different” from him. For HER it is important that he respect appointments with her – or else she gets upset, sad, feels rejected and thinks: “Well, if he cannot even get home when he says he will then I cannot count on him when something huge is happening in our life where I might need him”
Tina had an issue with his behavior. And he neglected and ignored it. He didn’t realize that his behavior towards her pushed her further away emotionally. And because he didn’t realize this he couldn’t change it. Because you might remember that if you will not or cannot acknowledge a problem, you cannot do anything about it!
He had not learned that when one half of the couple in a relationship has a problem it is the relationship’s problem.
Tina’s husband chose to let her be alone with the “problem” herself and didn’t choose to be a part of the solution. Because he claimed not to be aware of the problem.
But do you know what?
You can EASILY help your partner solve problems even when you do not understand them.
To be part of the solution doesn’t have to mean that you HAVE to experience the problem yourself or understand it fully. It only demands one thing – you have to respect the problem that your partner is experiencing.
And he did after they had gone through module two together.
In module two they learned about the process of recapturing one’s desire for sex no matter if you’re a man or a woman. No matter how you turn and look at it differently it will often be that if your partner is experiencing a problem it will add negative energy to the relationship in one way or another.
And when Tina’s husband first learned this and at the same time understood that Tina wasn’t the only one to blame for her lack of desire for sex but that he in many cases had a part to play and he started to change his behavior.
He had in fact understood one very important point!
That when she was insecure about him in some way – she didn’t feel the urge to reproduce and pass on her genes aka have sex (seen from the perspective of the Stone Age – biologically we are nothing but animals when it comes to our desire for sex).
And that was why Tina’s desire for sex was nearly non-existent.
At least towards him.
But only him.
Not towards others.
Because THAT was one thing she had discovered.
That her desire for sex wasn’t gone.
She could feel it throughout the day but as soon as he came home from work it disappeared.
So it was her desire for sex with HIM as a partner, a man, a person that was gone – not her desire for sex in general.
And then when he kept his promises for a number of weeks and when she learned through the workshop that you still can kiss, hug and flirt every day WITHOUT it ending in sex – well…it is a very different relationship they have today.
Once they went through the workshop they made an agreement:
She had to practice being more physical during the day – receiving and giving kisses, hugs etc. without thinking: “Oh my God now he wants to have sex, so I better leave him alone” which is more or less a thought and not reality. He didn’t think of it.
He had to really try to keep his word with her. Because suddenly he could see how unhappy she was or how sad his behavior made her. And that was never the point. And from there it became quite logical for him that she didn’t want to get intimate with a man that she felt insecure about and that over and over again had made her sad and neglected her feelings!
So with these two changes, over the last few months, their relationship (and their sex life) was renewed in a pleasant direction.
And they just sent me an email to let me know.
If you want to join the “Get desire for sex back and keep it for the rest of your life”, sign up for it through the website. A new round will start soon!
Take care of yourself and your love life.
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with private clinic since 2006 – Read about Maj here <—