When your libido is playing tricks on you, celibacy can be a great help!

One of the biggest frustrations in a relationship is lowered or lack of libido. Besides it fuelling many fights and creating bad moods, it also very often leads to inner frustrations and self blame.

For both parties

It is an extremely difficult and VERY sensitive subject to talk about. Plus it’s a difficult issue to try and solve. The more emotionally loaded the issue is, the more difficult it becomes to keep your head cool in the heat of an argument.

It may seem as though the road to regaining your libido starts off with a lot of will. But what we rarely consider is the root cause of the decrease in desire.

When you try to avoid it

Maybe it’s in the look, maybe it’s in the words spoken. You just feel that there’s an underlying expectation, a hope, which you know deep down is going to be really hard to meet.

Maybe you twist and turn, increase physical distance, avoid kisses, hugs and “spooning” because your partner gets aroused and then likely expects or hopes for more and you simply don’t have the E-N-E-R-G-Y to turn him or her down again. Even though your partner might be sweet and understanding, you feel awful because you’re thinking “How long will the understanding last?”

And when you finally do have sex and try to spark things up, it all becomes awkward. After so much time has gone by it can be hard to reconnect and you may even be embarrassed.

One effective approach to turn things around may be to declare a 4-6 week “No sex time”. Now you are free to re-establish intimacy in all other ways without feeling bad about potentially arousing your partner and turning them down yet again. During this ‘time-out’ you can hold hands, kiss, cuddle and spoon WITHOUT any pressure.

When the huge weight of expectations is lifted, desire has a much better chance of reigniting. Even more so, if you make a concerted effort during that time to really focus on each other. Go on dates, care for your relationship, cultivate the love, spend quality time together.

Also key is the active participation of both partners to start EVERY morning by thinking: “What can I do today to ensure my partner feels loved?”.

Most lovingly,

Maj Wismann, Love Expert.