The myth about sex drive that destroys the sex drive even more

The myth about sex drive - Ohhhh boy, let me tell you about it! In the beginning everything was great. You’re thinking back on this time with longing in your heart... Maybe even thinking that there must be something wrong since you and your partner are no longer devouring each other with lust. If this sounds familiar to you, read on to learn more about one of the absolute greatest myths about sex drive. This is a myth that does more harm than good and probably prevents you from creating a natural flow in your sex drive if you’ve been with your partner for more than a couple of years… It’s no secret that our desire for our partner in the ‘in-love phase’ is quite high. American studies show that sex drive increases with 200% for women and 120% for men. These numbers are averages. How on earth this has actually been measured I’m not sure…   The myth about sex drive   When I’m with a couple in my clinic, and we’re talking about an ailing or unsatisfying sex life, most couples just want to get back to a time where their sex drive was just there, and they didn’t have to really do anything to feel it; it could even show itself before you were out on a date with your special someone. “We didn’t have to work for it” and “It was just there!” are sentences that renowned psychotherapist Esther Perell encounters again and again. Some year ago, I joined her workshop on sexual desire, and she spoke about “the spontaneous lust”. It was so interesting to hear that she (also) hears the same sentences and the same beliefs as I do!
These beliefs are apparently universal...
And sexologists and couple’s therapists listen to these from couples talking about sex drive or the lack thereof. It’s the belief that the sex drive needs to come back automatically. All on its own. Seems like the reason for this belief is that: “Well, it did in the beginning.” Now, let’s take a closer look at this argument...  

Should sex drive always appear all on its own?

First of all, please never ever compare your relationship during your in-love phase (0-2 years) to other phases of your relationship. For instance... There’s a HUGE difference between what goes on hormonally in your in-love phase and in any other phases of your relationship. During the in-love phase Mother Nature lends a helping hand; our in-love hormones are racing around our body. These help kick-start our arousal, our desire and our horniness, and well... Sorry to way... Basically make us procreate before we discover one another’s flaws. Yep, she’s pretty sneaky, Mother Nature. Secondly, we shouldn’t underestimate the interest of news! This is a new person whom we are to get to know, and the rush of our in-love hormones have put this person on a pedestal. It’s very rare that there’s any focus on flaws during this period of time. Thirdly, we try hard – we REALLY make an effort. Remember? We want to put our best foot forward to get the other person to choose us again and again. Making an effort is part of the wooing; I mean, it’s about finding a mate for life! Which leads us to my point… All of the above helps boost our sex drive. And so, when you’re sitting there, telling yourself that the lust for your partner came naturally and spontaneously and that you didn’t have to make an effort at all to make sure things were H-O-T, you’re fibbing me! Your nose keeps growing and growing. It’s simply not true. Because it didn’t appear out of thin air. This is a myth.  

It didn’t just happen...

  You did a heck of a lot to get things cooking. For instance, you weren’t living together; you were dating. Perhaps you only saw each other on Fridays and Tuesdays? Didn’t you make an effort then?   The myth about sex drive that destroys the sex drive even more   Weren’t you fantasising about: → what would happen? → what you would do to that hot body? →  how it would feel to be together again sexually? Didn’t you buy new underwear and didn’t you shower and made sure you were groomed from top to bottom? Didn’t you put on fresh sheets? Let some fresh air into your apartment? Put fresh flowers in a vase? Didn’t you spend hours in front of the mirror to find the perfect outfit for your next date? You. Made. An. Effort. A huge one! You planned things, you were wondering, and furthermore you thought about him/her every day and every night.  

Now, let’s turn our clocks forward 3-5 years...

  Is there a difference in what you do? I’m pretty sure your answer is a big fat YES! And when we talk about THIS in my clinic, the room goes dead quiet. So quiet... Suddenly, it’s clear to these couples that there’s a massive difference between their behaviour and their level of effort back then and their behaviour now. Ouch... (as we say it in Denmark) :-) Not that I override the hormone boost from nature. I don’t. However, your behaviour was significantly different and this – in combination with the in-love hormones and the interest of news – makes a world of difference. This is why we need to break up with this myth about how our sex drive used to happen all on its own.   Breaking up with the myth  

You need to stop lying to yourself...

It’s just not true that your sex drive used to JUST happen all on its own. These fibs doesn’t serve you, not one bit. Quite the opposite; it probably makes you passive and despairing. But you can change it! You can start making an effort again. Even though Mother Nature isn’t giving you a fresh batch of in-love hormones, you can still control your own behaviour and you decide, every single day, that you want to make an effort in your relationship. Just like you used to! The myth about sex drive is exactly what it is - A myth - and it seems like the more we believe it the more true it becomes in our head. So lets get back to reality and do the things we actually CAN do outside the bedroom that bring back the "drive" for going into the bedroom even more. Maj Wismann About the myth about sex drive My tip: Make an effort everyday – exactly like you did in the beginning of your relationship – and see how this transforms your desire for one another. Love, Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationthip therapist with own clinic since 2006 - Read more about Maj here <---        

Read more about sex drive, sex life and love:

Article: Happy Couples - Here's a Surprising Fact You Didn't Know ← Article: Is your sex life so boring that you can’t even be bothered with it? ← Q&A: Boring sex life – What can I do to spice it up? ← Online Workshop: Get your sex drive back & keep it for life ←    

*** Do or did you believe in the myth about sex drive I´m talking about? What are your thoughts on it? Please share your thoughts, experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.

Please do remember that relationship & sex life issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted consequently. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.

1 Comment

  1. Henrik V Blunck

    I like the way you say things straight out, and you are so right. We should make a continued effort, and we should most definitely do something about it if we quit making that effort…

    We can’t really blame the couples who misunderstand because there is quite a bit of confusion out there. That’s why I consider you my favorite sexologist, because you dare to be different than the many who even say just get started, and you will enjoy it. We can’t turn things backwards. Making the effort to BE attractive comes before gymnastics in bed – and the sooner we all realize this, the better our relationships. 🙂

    Reply

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