Who’s winning – Your smartphone or your sex life?
Smartphone or your sex life – It´s up to you!
Don’t tell me you don’t know.
You do know this.
This isn’t new.
No, this is old news, and I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times before.
Several studies prove it.
Again and again.
You just can’t be sitting with your face in that screen all day long.
It upsets the kids and they don’t feel like they’re important to be around.
Your friends feel annoyed.
Your workplace has rules around this.
And yet, you’re still scrolling away on that screen.
But what if I told you that too much time on your smartphone affects your sex life?
Do I have your attention now?
Anyway, let’s start somewhere else; somewhere that’s not your sex life.
Let’s face it: the smartphones are here to stay.
And now that my dear father has a smartphone, I’m convinced that very few people in this country don’t own a smartphone. My dad has been adamant that he didn’t want one, for different reasons, but mostly because he thought to be unnecessary.
The only reason he’s given in is because he wants the photos of his grand-children that we send to all the grand-parents.
But the man has a point.
A smartphone is not necessary.
I mean, humanity has survived for quite some time without them.
Thought-provoking, isn’t it?
Time for cuddles… or?
A few months ago, I deleted the Facebook app off my phone, and, to my horror, I felt just how addicted I was to that little app on my phone.
Luckily, on the second day, the addiction had faded a bit and by the time day three rolled around, it was completely gone.
I even felt slightly embarrassed I’d fallen into the ‘pit of addiction’, but I’m certainly not alone in this.
Anyhow, my point is that as soon as I deleted this app, it occurred to me that I couldn’t even remember why was so important for me to check Facebook yesterday at 4:17pm – or the other 25 times that day I “just had to check…”.
Don’t get me wrong; I still use Facebook.
Only now, I only check Facebook a couple of times a day.
I just know that the moment I download the app onto my phone again, I’ll be checking Facebook a lot more.
This is just how humans are…
If we have a bowl of sweets instead of us, we’ll definitely be sneaking a piece or two, won’t we?
Most people will, anyway – myself included!
It is with social media like it is with sweets; if they’re easily accessible to us, it’s hard for us to leave it alone, and it quickly becomes a habit.
And suddenly half an hour has passed; or an entire night…
And these are evenings, so many couples, again and again, tell me, and themselves, that they DON’T have.
Or convince themselves they don’t have is probably more accurate…
… And now we’re back to the sex life.
Because how often do we tell ourselves that we don’t really have the time to sit down and have these deep talks, that we don’t have time to be romantic, or go to bed earlier and have really good, nourishing and satisfying quality sex.
The reality is though that you DO have the time; you’re just choosing to spend it on other things – like your phones.
Am I telling you off?
I’m just telling you that’s what’s happening.
Who are you being present with?
When we’re sitting with each other on the couch without being present with each other it becomes a problem for our relationship.
The intimacy dwindles…
Before the invasion of smartphones, you probably sat and watched a movie together or a tv-series even, but this was a shared reference point.
Now, you’re sitting next to each other with a screen each, not sharing a reference point, and each experiencing their own facebook, snapchat, instagram, whatever-reality.
Of course, this doesn’t apply to all couples, but I do experience that more and more people go to bed still missing something, after spending 2-3 hours a night starring at their own little screens.
They might be missing intimacy, something to share, it might be a brief chat about how the day has been, or it might be something completely different.
And as soon as you’re missing something, the road to the sex life you want might be a bit longer than what you’d like to believe.
How we show up outside of the bedroom is so important to what happens in the bedroom
This happens because how we show up outside of the bedroom is so important to what happens in the bedroom.
And if the ‘meeting’ outside the bedroom happens less and less, well… then what does this do to your sex life?
I’m not going to tell you what to do; my mission is simply to make you aware that these relatively new ‘night-time routines’ being in contact with everyone but your partner, might actually trip up what most people want: a better and more satisfying sex life, and a more intimate relationship.
This isn’t about restrictions or and all or nothing way of thinking.
It might just be about remembering that when we spend more time on something, this leaves us with less time for other things. The questions is: what do you really want to spend your time on?
Try installing an app like “Moments” (it’s free!) and notice how much time you’re actually spending on your phone (and when), and then consider whether you’d like to spend your time on something else – with your partner perhaps?
Or if you are the “hardcore” type – try only checking your phone 3 times a day the next week 😉
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationthip therapist with own clinic since 2006
Read more about sex drive & sex life:
► Why are we having sex? 10 common reasons why we have sex ←
► Get your sex drive back – and keep it for life ←
► Antidepressants and sex drive – Does my medication affect my sex drive? ←
*** What are you doing with your phone when you are with your partner? Have you experienced your partner being a little to much “on” the phone? Maybe you even feel right now that it is affecting your relationship and sex life? Please share your experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.
Please do remember that relationship issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.
This is SO true, and I love your honesty Maj. 🙂
You are a well of golden nuggets in a desert where the love of many has gone cold. Indeed, when people focus on their smartphone instead of their partner, they lose that unique chance to get to know their partner even more deeply.
Let’s face it: if people looked at their smartphones as much on their first dates, what would be the chance they would get a second date?
Thanks for speaking out on this subject. You are my favorite sexologist indeed for standing out!
Thank you so much 😀 Always welcome your comments with pleasure 🙂