This is why you shouldn’t necessarily have sex!
I know that several of my colleagues again and again say that you, as a woman, at various times in your life “need to” have sex even though you don’t want to.
In my opinion, this is nonsense.
It can have dire consequences!
I have met several couples that have tried this, and the result wasn’t great.
It meant prolonged therapy afterwards.
Instead, I recommend that you use the time to find out why the desire is lacking.
And then in spite of that, you figure out how you can tap into the desire even though spontaneous desire might not be present.
It works. :-)
I will point out that there are some people for whom having sex without the desire is working.
I’ve just never met them.
On the other hand, I have met several couples that have seen other sexologists and/or couples therapists before me or have read something in a magazine or seen it on the TV that a sexologist had pointed out that if you don’t want to have sex then you should (in spite of not having the desire) have sex because then the desire might come.
I feel miserable.
And then they have sex and feel miserable about it. Women often describe a feeling of emptiness, feeling sad and being completely unhappy afterwards.
And the man who has had sex with the woman that doesn’t feel desire often describes it as sex without emotion, passion and feeling like it’s “something that needs to be done”.
He feels like a monster!
“If the man doesn’t get sex he will be unfaithful” or “If you do not have sex with him he is going to leave you” He is surprised by statements like these that make him a ferocious un-cooperative sex monster that are nowhere near him having empathy, being caring and showing understanding or love for his wife.
The men are feeling branded as someone who ”just thinks about sex all the time”. To label these men like that is not something they like.
It’s not cool.
And as more and more men say it isn’t just a question of frequency, it is the question of quality and the feeling of her wanting him!
To have sex without the desire to do it – or perhaps even to have sex with one’s partner even though emotions aren’t right is often the reason for lacking desire – it is practically a violation of oneself.
And how desire increase from here is a mystery to me!
A competent lover
The kind of sex that gives you the desire to have sex is the kind where you feel really good about each other as a couple and wanting each other and the quality of sex is quite high –you are competent lover and have a partner who is also a competent lover.
The better the sex is with the person you love, the more you will feel the desire to say yes when the situation arises.
If you don’t feel the desire to have sex with your partner then you shouldn’t have sex with your partner.
Instead, you should try to find out why you don’t feel the desire to have sex with that person and then examine that reason.
I have met way too many couples who have listened to the advice to ”just have sex even though you don’t feel the desire” and for all those couples, it has been a disaster because they have moved emotionally away from each other, and the woman isn’t feeling any desire at all. Less than before she started to have sex without the desire.
Furthermore, she has experienced sex that confirms the idea about sex ”just being something that needs to be done” and not enjoying it!
When you don’t look at the causes of not feeling desire and think about the fact that “you have to do it either way” then you forget the whole spectrum of emotions that lie behind the desire to have sex.
Rather than talking about what could give her more desire to have sex or to talk about what specifically you can do in your everyday life so that you can get that active sex life back, it becomes more about the fact that sex is something that needs to be done regardless of the consequences – and it is destructive for both partners emotionally.
Especially for the woman who also feels weird, different, not normal and might think: “Why don’t I feel the desire as the experts tell me I should, perhaps there is something wrong with me and why can’t I just enjoy it. Why, why, why….”
Self-criticism, self-reproach and negative experiences do not strengthen the desire for sex I tell you!
So please, use your time wisely and think and talk more about WHAT actually could bring the desire back rather than "just" having sex without desire.
Wanna learn more about boosting the desire?
Read Sex is Healthy - But Only if it´s Great Sex