75 Relationship Specialists Teach You How To Get Back Your Sexual Desire For Your Partner
Sex, Love, Marriage…. Ideally these three elements should exist in every couple’s lives but unfortunately many times something is missing. Sometimes married people that may or may not love each other anymore stop having sex. The reasons for why this happens can be many: lack of time, stress, boredom, health issues, etc.
Maybe you already tried to ask for help from a third party like a therapist, a counselor or even a minister, but you have to understand that there isn’t a universal solution that applies to everyone because people are different. Each one of us has his or her own experiences and moral principles. What can be a life saver for a marriage could completely destroy another couple.
If you are in this situation, and you don’t know what to do to bring passion back into your bedroom, then look no more. We got you covered. We gathered 75 sexologists and relationship specialists to answer one vital question:
What is the best advice you can give a married couple who have lost their desire for one another but want to get it back?
We’ve received a large diversity of opinions. Take what feels right for you.
Identify what causes the lack of sexual desire
Maj Wismann WebSexolog.dk
~ Maj is a clinical sexologist and relationship therapist and mom of two sons. She helps women around the world get their love and sex life back.
First and foremost, the couple needs to be aware that one’s sex drive will vary depending on how the rest of your life looks and sometimes your lust and sexual desire will be quite low or even completely gone.
Our lust and desire is controlled by so many different factors and just because you feel your sex drive playing up every now and again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with you as a couple.
I’d start off by taking a closer look at what has changed in your life. Have you had kids? Are you stressed? Are you depressed or perhaps battling anxiety or a horrible boss? It can be so many different things that’ll deplete you of energy. And this depletion basically equals a lower sex drive and a desire that’s missing completely.
Your body simply has other things to worry about and it won’t be using up energy thinking about sex and desires when your batteries are already running on empty. Next, I’d look at what you – as a team, preferably – can do to get your energy levels up and going.
[tweetshare tweet=”More often than not, more energy simply equals more lust and more desire” quote=”More often than not, more energy simply equals more lust and more desire”]You could even sit down and talk about what makes you want to want it; what makes you want to say “yes please!” whenever your partner initiates sex.
The point is: you can always do something and in most cases, it’s not about “you” but rather the fact that you’re feeling burnt out and just want things to lighten up a bit and to carry the load differently
Aki Jamal Durham AkiJamalDurham.com
~ Aki is a Relationship Educator/Coach/Consultant and a published author who holds a master’s of arts degree in human services with an emphasis in marriage and family therapy from Liberty University. He has spent 10 years planning and facilitating experience based workshops for married couples and couples preparing for marriage with a focus on couples strength assessments, communication, conflict resolution, finances, family of origin examinations, and intimacy.
First of all, celebrate the fact that you have already taken the most important step in the process of getting back to healthy levels of physical intimacy – properly positioning the problem and seeking to solve it together.
There are some different explanations for what may have caused this apparent lack of sexual desire. One or both or you may be having physical or hormonal problems. There could be psychological issues connected to stress or a change in your lifestyle that has affected you on a physiological level.
This could even be a side effect of a new medication or a change in diet. Furthermore, the lack of interest from your spouse is likely exacerbating your own motivational deficiency. Whatever the “why” of it is, keep in mind that this may only be a temporary change in your libidos and not necessarily your new reality.
No matter what the reason is, please remember that you are not the problem, and neither is your spouse. The two of you have a common problem that requires your joint effort to overcome.
Intercourse is not a part of your intimacy right now, but that doesn’t mean your relationship has to lack closeness and caring. Conversation and compassion are also integral components of lovemaking.[tweetshare tweet=”Your conversations are the core of your relationship. ” quote=”Furthermore, your conversations are the core of your relationship. “]So talk. And, as you do, remember to do the following:
- Offer an empathetic ear to your spouse and seek to understand what they are thinking and feeling. Few things are more satisfying than feeling as though you are being heard and understood, so give that to your spouse
- Ask them what you can do or not do to bring the sexual spark back to your marriage
- Be patient with one another and be prepared to gain clarity and make changes one conversation at a time.
This season in your lives probably didn’t happen overnight. It probably can’t be corrected overnight either.
Chris Manak ManicWorkshops.com
Chris ‘Manic’ Manak is one of Australia’s leading professional dating coaches for men. His company Manic Workshops was founded in 2008 and he has since been featured in national and international.
1. I believe that the number one reason that people are bored in their relationships, is actually because they’re bored in their lives. Their boredom in their relationship is just a branch of their boredom in their current life situation.
Maybe you’ve been in the same job that you’ve hated for years, maybe you just need some kind of change but aren’t sure what it is – if you’re bored, and you’re seeing your partner every single day – well, our brains make associations very quickly.
What you do want to do in life? Where do you want to be? Are you working towards that? Do you want to be where you are? Do you want to travel? Get working on whatever that is, maybe even together, and watch the passion return to both your life and your relationship.
2. Are you repressing something? Is there something in the relationship that you’ve pushed away and tried to ignore? Maybe your partner has let himself go, maybe your partner has never apologised for that one time that she embarrassed you, maybe your partner’s bad habit is just getting worse – is there something at the centre of this snowball?
If you’re suppressing something, you may soon be experiencing a general feeling of suppression, of nothingness. You started by just blocking out the problem and before you knew it, it feels like you’ve blocking out everything. Get communicating about the real issue and watch the passion return.
3. It sounds shallow, but – are you still sexy? When you first got together you probably found each other incredibly sexy. But have you let yourselves go over the years? Have you sacrificed the skirts for the tracky-dacks? Have you replaced the 6 pack with a keg?
There is no doubt that physical attraction plays a role in maintained sexual connection. And not only in regards to appearance, but mentally also. When you exercise, and when you’re healthy, you feel good. And when you feel good, then the things around you tend to be good also.
Get exercising, get that skin glowing, get those endorphins flowing again. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about being the best you, for you and your partner.
Nicolle Zapien NicolleGottFriedZapien.com
~ Nicolle is a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist in private practice in San Francisco. She is also an assistant professor of human sexuality at the California Institute of Integral Studies. She has conducted several studies on the topic of extra-marital affairs and is currently exploring the issue of optimizing therapist matching with clients.
The best advice I would offer would be for each of the parties in the couple to spend some time developing and writing down their fantasies, sexual ones, but also in other realms too. What is it that they desire or yearn for?
These are the seeds of sexual desire for one another, and often people are not feeling particularly interested in much when the desire for the partner wanes. There is a good book by Jack Morin called the Erotic Mind on this issue.
Also, Esther Perel has written and spoken about this a great deal and suggests that sometimes familiarity and closeness leads to waning desire. She suggests developing the self as a means to inject eroticism. She has written an excellent book called, Mating in Captivity and it can be summarized as suggesting that we are to get interested again in vitality and life as a way to keep things alive.
From a phenomenological perspective, one of the issues related to lack of sexual desire is a lack of curiosity. Over time often couples begin to think they can predict what the other will say or do. We forget to consider the Infinite possibilities and are no longer curious about the other or surprised.
We get used to rigid scripts and get bored. Viewing the spouse or lover as a subject, capable of novel responses and making space for novelty is a stance that requires attention. Similarly, allowing the self to have novel responses requires attention.
Many people also expect the desire to increase or stay the same over the course of a relationship. We reason that the relationship must not be good if desire wanes. And yet sexual desire naturally changes, sometimes predictably (menopause, during disease processes) and sometimes for no identifiable reason.
There are often complex biopsychosocial factors at play in driving desire. [tweetshare tweet=”A sex therapist can be very helpful to couples wanting to sort through and address and explore desire issues” quote=”A sex therapist can be very helpful to couples wanting to sort through and address and explore desire issues”]
And there is, in the end, no objective measure of how much desire is healthy. It is only the distress that people have (or their partner’s distress) that is problematic really. Sex therapists also have a great deal of experience with helping couples manage desire discrepancies and explore possibilities for increasing or managing desire.
But sometimes acceptance is the best course or even exiting the relationship in some circumstances. We are not guaranteed perfect peak experiences all the time even though we want them.
Mariah Freya MariahFreya.com
~Maria is a sexual empowerment coach, urban goddess, and creator of the Yoni Massage and Libido Awakening online courses. She opens up the topic of sexuality in all its diversity through her blog and her Orgasmic Discourses podcast. You can receive your free ebook on Yoni Massages here.
Keep growing like crazy and become masters of change
After a few years of a relationship, the rose-tinted glasses start to wear off and cloud into a monotonous grey.
That gray stands (figuratively speaking) for the day to day stuff. The usual “Honey, can you clean the toilet?”, or, “Darling, could you pick up the kids from school?” or “How was work today?” conversation.
Not so exciting anymore, hey?!
We lose our desire for someone when a voice within screams for change. When we feel we know someone and their life from the inside out. And yes, there is a refined beauty in knowing somebody so deeply. Like when you start transmitting information without words (not sure about you, but that always makes me freak out).
Nevertheless, after some time, something within (also called your monkey mind) tends to get bored, the same way it happened with your teddy bear, which you eventually forgot when you were a kid.
And then puff! That’s when the attraction is gone.
I went through this phase with my partner a few years back. Sex was something I could live without. Kissing him, not so exciting anymore…that’s when we decided to travel to India and do something different for a change. We started learning Yoga and Tantra, we started visiting workshops and retreats, we opened up to the idea of change. And we got it.
[tweetshare tweet=”Change is a tricky thing because it aways pushes your beautiful ass to be courageous and brave enough” quote=”Change is a tricky thing because it aways pushes your beautiful ass to be courageous and brave enough”] It requires your will to step out and expand your comfort zone. That can be scary.
But in my opinion totally worth it. Because what happens is that you stay exciting and interesting, not just for your own sake but also for your partner’s. There is always something new that you can learn and try out. And it’s NEVER too late (that’s only your comfort zone speaking).
Esther Gabriel NakedMenHappyWomen.org
~ Esther is a blogger that writes about sex, losing the inhibitions and exploring intimacy.
If a couple really wants to feel sexual desire for each other again, then it’s not gone. It must still be there. It is just deeply hidden away underneath a smaller – or bigger – pile of reasons that prevent that desire to show itself again.
[tweetshare tweet=”My advice would be to start communicating honestly about what’s preventing them from wanting to have sex” quote=”My advice would be to start communicating honestly about what’s preventing them from wanting to have sex with each other”]
Is it everyday life (work, kids, housework, …) getting in the way, is it timing (one partner wants sex in the morning, the other at night), is it laziness (read: the unwillingness to put effort into seducing and making each other feel desirable), not giving each other sufficient attention or a lack of showing interest, has the sex gotten routine/boring or has one of them developed different sexual interests.
If any of these explanations are behind the lack of desire for one’s partner, then that needs to be resolved first. Next step would be to start exploring each other again like two people would do in the first stage of their relationship.
No pressure, just giving each other more attention, looking at each other, touching and caressing each other. If that feels good, the rest will come naturally.
Raluca Popescu BeingRaluca.com
~ Raluca has a background in communication and psychology and is passionate about helping people reconnect with their intuition on a daily basis. She believes that staying grounded and centered in the midst of every day chaos helps you make better decisions, have more harmonious relationships and find meaningful work.
When it comes to the loss of sexual desire in long-term relationships, married or not, I believe there is no one answer that fits all.
We are such complex beings, us humans, that when it comes to desire or lack of it, in couples, we need to dig deep to find the real causes.
So when confronted with such a situation the first thing is to identify the root cause(s), either through self-inquiry or, much better, with the help of a sex or relationship therapist. [tweetshare tweet=”A skilled therapist can do miracles if both are genuinely interested in rekindling their desire for each other” quote=”I believe a skilled therapist can do miracles if both are genuinely interested in rekindling their desire for each other”]
To keep the long story short and to answer the question for this round-up, let’s talk about two of the most common situations of “lost-desire-reward-to-the-one-who-finds-it” in couples:
1. Loss of connection on all levels – emotional, physical, mental, because of different reasons – raising small children, overworking, special medical conditions, being in stressful situations and/or environments for a long time etc.
The spouses are both tired and stressed out so there is no more energy left for them as a couple.
In this case, the solutions are obvious: get help with the kids, reduce work hours, schedule quality time together, go on dates again, in other words, create the proper conditions and environment for the couple to be a couple.
Desire is just like a flower in your garden. It will quickly die if you don’t give it light, water, air, good, nutritious earth and don’t protect her from weeds or animals.
2. Too much fusion and being together “all-the-time” – when the partners do everything together and do not follow any separate interests. In this case, there is no more space for their desire to develop in.
So the solutions in this particular situation are to create this space by spending some time separate from each other, pursuing different passions or hobbies, going out in different groups once a week or whatever works best for each partner.
Bottom line is that that we, as human beings, are constantly driven by conflicting needs: we long for security and safety but we also need to explore and venture out into the unknown.
If you want to find out more on this topic, check out Esther Perel’s book “Mating in captivity”: an enlightening and thought provoking read on the challenges and difficulties of the modern couples in their quest to keep their desire alive throughout the years.
Roxanna Kazibwe YouAreBeingLoved.org
~ Roxanna.is the author of “My love is not afraid”, a poetry collection. A love campaigner and people developer, Roxanna writes about relationships and purpose on her blog “You are being loved”.
It’s never really just about sex.
In such instances, it is good to look at what the root cause of the “loss of desire” could be.
Did you stop working on the relationship and get into a rut? And then ask even further…Why did you stop working on the relationship? Was it cause one of you got busy/tired due to work, the kids, responsibilities? Was there some unresolved issue that none of you is willing to tackle?
[tweetshare tweet=”Physical desire in a marriage is highly affected by all the undercurrents of communication and miscommunication” quote=”Physical desire in a marriage is highly affected by all the undercurrents of communication and miscommunication”] These are: rejection, hurt, pride, fear, anger, jealousy, bitterness, hope, forgiveness,joy, friendship…all this determines how you see yourself (un/desired) & how you see your partner (un/desirable)
But be encouraged, loss of desire is nothing you can’t get out of.
You just need to be willing, to be honest and open with your partner, get to the root issue, nip it in the bud and commit to connecting.
Cheers to getting your groove back 🙂
Carisa Montooth CarisaMontooth.com
~ Carisa, M.S. is a Love Coach, healer, author, and speaker. She holds degrees in Psychology and Counseling and has written extensively about topics relating to relationships, love, personality types, personal development and the power of creating change through mindset shifts. She is a certified Awakening Dynamics Energy Healing Practitioner.
The most important thing you can do for each other and yourself if you want to bring desire and passion back to your relationship is by far forgiveness.
A million grievances build up over time in a marriage and whether they are over real wrongs or imagined ones, huge things or petty things, they start to matter.
[tweetshare tweet=”It’s hard to want to jump somebody’s bones when you are mad that they didn’t take the trash out.” quote=”It’s hard to want to jump somebody’s bones when you are mad that they didn’t take the trash out.”] It’s so easy to forget even to be nice to the other person when we’re focused on what we feel like they didn’t do for us, but usually, they are feeling the same way we are.
It’s like we are both drowning in the deep end of the pool and wondering why the other one isn’t saving us! So first let them off the hook, then let yourself off the hook too. Looking at each other as real people again sounds boring, but it’s the mindset switch that opens the door for passion for coming back.
Kate McCombs KateMccombs.com
~ Kate, MPH is a sex & relationships educator who’s passionate about empathy, connection, and helping people build amazing relationships. She’s based in New York City.
When couples have lost their sexual spark, one of the most important they need to do is to audit their lives for desire-destroying stress.
Often when couples stop feeling desire, it’s because they have so many things getting in the way of feeling connected. Working too much, having too many obligations, and health challenges can all get in the way of sexual desire.
[tweetshare tweet=”As a team couples can work to minimize the things getting in the way of connection so they can let desire flow back” quote=”As a team, couples can work to minimize the things getting in the way of connection so they can let desire flow back in.”] This might mean that they independently foster stress-relieving hobbies, or make a commitment to hiring a babysitter more often.
It might mean taking a lower responsibility job if that’s an option. Regardless of the strategy needed, they need to be on the same team and work towards more solutions without blame or criticism.
Elizabeth Bradley ElizabethKBradley.com
~ Elizabeth is a holistic, creative writer and blog mentor for life and health coaches. Her work has been featured on sites like Tiny Buddha, Olyvia, The Branded Solopreneur, and Cameron Diaz’ blog.
I would tell the married couple to spend more time together. [tweetshare tweet=”They need to start dating again and find that initial spark that brought them together” quote=”They need to start dating again and find that initial spark that brought them together”]
My husband and I have been married for ten years ( together for 12) and the hardest time in our marriage was when my husband was working long hours and I was at home with our baby.
That time spent apart and the mental and physical stress of taking care of an infant ( although rewarding in many ways) made it so we were exhausted and had become two different people. We decided to make a drastic decision that would put our marriage first and foremost: we downsized and both decided to work from home.
This meant we limited our expenses and also spent more time together as a family. This completely changed our marriage for the better, and we grew together, not apart.
Vigga Wagtberg ViggaWagtberg.dk
~ Vigga is a Danish certified sexologist, psychotherapist and blogger. She helps couples and indiviuals explore and respect their needs, desires and boundaries.
My best advice for a married couple who want to get their desire back, is that to stop focusing on what is expected from them, and instead trying to feel what they really want. It’s first and foremost about admitting their deepest desires to themselves – about their sexlife, their relationship and their life as a whole.
Many people live busy lives, where obligations and expectations dictate our every move. Instead of creating a life that feels meaningful to us, we end up being slaves of a lot of needs that don’t stem from within ourselves.
It means that we forget to have fun and we don’t let ourselves try to reach out for the things we really dream about. In relationships, we perhaps accept feeling rejected, overlooked and unimportant without ever protesting, because we think that this is the way that life is supposed to be.
If we accept to live like little robots without being nourished, we take part in making life and relationships boring and meaningless. We simply forget how to get a creative and meaningful sex life. [tweetshare tweet=”If you want a relationship with desire, tenderness and love, you need to surrender to your longing for these things” quote=”If you want a relationship with desire, tenderness and love, you need to surrender to your longing for these things”]
Deborah Roth SpiritedLiving.com
~ Deborah is a certified Relationship Coach who loves working with both Singles who are tired of meeting the same “duds” and with Couples… from “pre-committed couples” (those who are exclusive and trying to figure out if they’re ready to make the leap to marriage) to couples who have been married for 2 or 20 years and are committed to creating and sustaining passionate, fulfilling life partnerships.
Having coached couples for the past 15 years (and have been happily married for 35 years!) I can say that “loss of desire” is a multi-tentacled beast that can ebb and flow in even the best of marriages.
It could be due to exhaustion because you’re juggling the needs of an infant, unusually heavy work schedules or travel, or any of the other myriad stresses we face every day. Maybe one of you has gained weight and feels self-conscious about your body, or not attracted to your partner for the same reason.
[tweetshare tweet=”Whatever the trigger has been, the first step is to carve out time and space to address it in a loving way” quote=”Whatever the trigger has been, the first step is to carve out time and space to address it in a loving way”] Definitely not in the wake of an aborted love-making session! Plan time for a conversation when you won’t be distracted… preferably not at home, but not in an overly public place either.
Then ask each other a few questions: When was I most attracted to you? What’s different in our lives now? What are one or two things that I could do to re-ignite those feelings? What would I appreciate most from you to do that? If you can listen with curiosity (not judgment) and respond with love vs. defensiveness, you’re on the path to rekindling that lost spark as a team.
Communicate and be honest with each other
Katrine Berling KatrineBerling.dk
~ Katrine is a sexologist, couple’s therapist and an expert in female orgasm. She has been working with women’s desire, pleasure and orgasm since 2008. She has helped many women reclaim their desire and to get back to their sexual self, through private sessions and in women’s groups. Katrine is from Denmark but do sessions over Skype as well as messenger.
Communication is always a very important part of a relationship. It’s always good to talk about what’s happening. But it is never enough just to talk. No one will find their desire again just by talking; you need to take some action too. The first step is to see if you can uncover the reason
No one will find their desire again just by talking; you need to take some action too. The first step is to see if you can uncover the reason to the issue.
When you lose desire it can be something about you as a person. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance, stress at work, a life crisis or something else. Then you have to take care of yourself. But it can also be something in the relationship.
Do you trust your partner? Do you like the sex you have? Is there an attraction between you? Do you think more about you partner during sex than you feel you own body? Do you orgasm? Do you always do the same always knowing what move is next? Is he ejaculating too soon? Do you feel seen in your relationship? Do you feel loved in your relationship? The list goes on…
[tweetshare tweet=”To reclaim our desire we have to be willing to enter into an intimate space with our partner. ” quote=”To reclaim our desire we have to be willing to enter into an intimate space with our partner. “]We have to commit to each other. Be open and willing, both emotionally and sexually. And it is not always easy The best way to do this is to schedule time together; both time to talk but also time to be sexual. If you are in a place where it is too much to have sex, then don’t push yourself.
Maybe you have to start out just with a 5 minutes kiss, a massage, a nice warm bath together or something else. Be creative and open with each other and keep trying to get more love and connection into your relationship. If you can’t do it alone, then find a therapist who can help you. I wish you all the best.
Muhammad Mazhar ValuesDiary.com
~ Maaz works as a content creator and coordinator for ValuesDiary.com. He enjoys writing on different topics related to couple’s health issues, domestic problems and parenting. His purpose and passion lie in facilitating couples who deserve healthy relationships, happiness, self and mutual respect. He is also exploring new things related to general health and lifestyle.
Well for me one-word answer is “Communication”. Things go wrong when they stop interacting and sharing happenings with each other.
[tweetshare tweet=”They are partners, being partner means to share each and everything happening around in life” quote=”They are partners, being partner means to share each and everything happening around in life”] They must share their feelings if fading for each other well in time so that other person may find a solution or change him/herself.
If it is too late still what work is to communicate, to settle things back in. They must share their feelings if fading for each other well in time so that other person may find a solution or change him/herself.
If it is too late still what work is to communicate, to settle things back in the conversation, to share the fears which have brought them so far in this beautiful relationship and then find a way forward on conclusions drawn from those conversations.
Involving a third person (like an expert) is again a good solution, like both, can share worries and reasons why they think this stage has arrived with that expert and can seek advice from the expert.
Malin James MalinJames.com
~ Malin is an essayist, sex blogger, and short story writer. She believes in using sex and psychology as lenses through which to examine our cultural assumptions, identities, and relationships
There are two things I would recommend. The first is to practice empathy. When couples lose their desire for each other, there are often reasons for the distance. Those reasons may be real or perceived but, either way, if they affect you or your partner, they should be addressed with respect.
If possible, take a step back and look at your situation with a more objective lens, one that takes in everything from the start of your relationship to patterns that you may have formed over the years.The understanding that comes from having a wider perspective can help address the issues in your relationship.
The second thing is simple – communicate A LOT. Often, we omit things for fear of hurting feelings or causing more problems. Compassionate honesty (rather than truth spoken in malice) can bring you closer together, just as empathy can. [tweetshare tweet=”Once you address any issues in communication, you can work towards sexual intimacy together” quote=”Once you address any issues in communication, you can work towards sexual intimacy together”]
Erica Goodstone DrEricaGoodstone.com
~ Erica is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (FL), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (NJ) and Licensed Professional Counselor (CT) as well as a Licensed Massage Therapist (FL, CT, and NY).
Marriage and the daily details of living a life together can easily suppress our passion and desire for the person we love.
[tweetshare tweet=”If the love is still there and one or both are motivated to bring back the passion, the first step is communication” quote=”If the love is still there and one or both are motivated to bring back the passion, the first step is communication”]
Talk to each other – not during a sexual encounter – but at a time when you are relaxing together over dinner at a restaurant or a time when you are walking, and you are not directly facing each other.
Next step, is to contact a professional sexologist, not just a therapist who helps couples, but a therapist who is trained in handling sexual issues and concerns.
Theresa Lachner Lvstprinzip.de
~ Theresa is a journalist, speaker and founder of Germany´s most beautiful sex blog Lvstprinzip. Her work focuses on normalizing sexuality with an honest, open approach.
Instead of focusing on your desire, try to focus on your connection. How can you make it strong again?
Share intimacies and vulnerabilities and recreate this special space that only you and your partner have access to.
[tweetshare tweet=”If you manage to truly open up, you´ll discover some unknown sides about each other… and desire will follow” quote=”If you manage to truly open up, you´ll discover some unknown sides about each other… and desire will follow”]
Olivia Bryant AwakenTheCervix.com
~ Olivia is Sexologist and Conscious Loving Coach. She is passionate about helping women heal from individual and collective conditioning and believes that sexual healing is the missing piece in the journey towards awakening.
It’s often best to seek professional help communicate and discover what is there to be healed. It’s hard to see when you’re in it!
You need to clear the space between you of all anger and resentment. Once that’s done, it’s helpful for the man to practice presence, listening and seeing his woman for all that she is.
[tweetshare tweet=”She can practice softening and see her man for all that he brings…seeing the highest in each other” quote=”She can practice softening and see her man for all that he brings…seeing the highest in each other”] In Tantra tis practice is called Transfiguration. When the connection outside of the bedroom has been healed and more presence and awareness is brought to the relationship and each other, then more intimacy will naturally flow.
Lauren Brim TheNewRulesOfSex.com
~ Lauren is a sexual wellness coach for women and author of The New Rules of Sex, a revolutionary 21st-century approach to sexuality, relationships, and love. She coaches individuals and couples via Skype on a variety of health challenges related to sexuality, pleasure, food, reproduction, spirituality and relationships.
The best advice I can give you is to make time to sit down with one another and share all the things you feel ashamed or disappointed about.[tweetshare tweet=”If you’ve stopped having sex, there is definitely shame and disappointment there” quote=”If you’ve stopped having sex, there is definitely shame and disappointment there”] Get specific! And start your sentences with the words, “I feel” without blaming or pointing the finger.
This will be very emotional and could be difficult, but keep working at it. Then make time to touch each other: long hugs, laying in bed naked, spooning on the couch or holding hands. Your desire for each other will return as you reveal these naked parts of yourself you have kept in hiding.
Cathrine Katzmann CathrineKatzmann.dk
~ Cathrine is a Danish psychotherapist and sexologist that helps couple improve their sex life.
Listen, and listen deeply. Sex is a very delicate subject for many people, and when the sex life isn’t working out, there is often a mix of a lot of emotions going on. Also the hurtful ones.
[tweetshare tweet=”So in order to get the desire back, you need to be able to talk one another about it” quote=”So in order to get the desire back, you need to be able to talk one another about it”] Also, there must be a sense of security that your partner is listening to you, and the other way around.
Annette Vaillancourt HowToManifestYourSoulMate.com
~ Annette Ph.D. is the Elite SoulMate Coach, online radio host and author of How to Manifest Your SoulMate with EFT: Relationship as a Spiritual Path. Her mission is to create a Love Revolution: Changing the World One Conscious Relationship at a Time.
Tell the truth. If the passion has gone out of your relationship, it is because one of both people are not being honest with themselves and/or their partner.
Honesty and a heart-to-heart talk enliven the relationship. [tweetshare tweet=”Tell the truth, even if you think it will hurt your partner’s feelings. It will awaken the fire within” quote=”Tell the truth, even if you think it will hurt your partner’s feelings. It will awaken the fire within”]
Claudia Cox TextWeapon.com
~ Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She is passionate about modern communication and loves helping people improve their relationships through flirty texting. To read more by Claudia, visit Text Weapon . Don’t forget to signup for the FREE Texting Club trial with over 300 messages.
[tweetshare tweet=”Be creative. Be positive. Show appreciation. Listen. Schedule in romance.” quote=”Be creative. Be positive. Show appreciation. Listen. Schedule in romance.”]
Don’t forget the little things.
Think back to the beginning of your relationship, when everything was new and exciting and you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. What did you do that made him or her crazy with desire?
- Did you buy special lingerie and surprise him with a “private show”?
- Did you text him sexy photos in the middle of the day teasing him with promises of a special evening together?
- Did you stay up late chatting about what she found romantic?
- Did you tell your partner on a regular basis how beautiful, handsome, wonderful they were?
- Did you save the sob stories about the absolutely horrible morning commute and all of your super annoying co-workers for your Aunt Susie instead of sending your partner an endless chain of rants?
- Did you buy your partner random little gifts, “just because” you were thinking of them?
- Did you listen, without judging or interrupting them, instead of multi-tasking and pretending to hear what they said?
Everyone has busy lives, and all of these little things take time and effort. So, as unsexy as it may sound, make sure that you schedule romance into your daily routine. Don’t forget the little things….and they’ll add up to big things, like desire.
Aisling Ann Curtin ActNowIreland.com
~ Aisling is a Registered Counselling Psychologist and Director of ACT Now Ireland. Aisling has led workshops at Harvard Medical School and several other locations internationally helping people develop a healthier relationship with their sexual selves.
1. Connect to the reason that you both want to reconnect to your desire for one another. What does that add to your life and relationship and what are the costs when it is absent?
2. Connect to a sweet moment in the past where you felt on the giving and receiving the end of desire with one another. It is best to connect to this moment as viscerally as possible engaging the five senses. Now, go a layer deeper- what was going on at that moment that is missing now? Is there a clue here to what you are missing, or may have unintentionally neglected?
3. Start with committing to making a couple of small changes. [tweetshare tweet=”Many of us fail to make meaningful long-term changes in our relationships because we try to change too much too fast” quote=”Many of us fail to make meaningful long-term changes in our relationships because we try to change too much too quickly.”]
Spending as little as five minutes a day reconnecting to your desire for one another through sensual, or non-sensual, touch and/or sharing fantasies and desires could make all the difference. Longer time periods may feel daunting and also run the risk of being unsustainable.
4. Recognise and Unhook from unwanted thoughts that you both will inevitably have about yourself, one another and your relationship. It’s perfectly normal and natural to have fearful thoughts such as “we’ll never get our desire back, this is doomed”. Yet, we need to be mindful of not becoming blinkered by such thoughts.
5. Extend compassion to both yourself and your partner. This is a very difficult situation for you both. Rather than berating yourself, give yourself the same guidance and support that you would give a good friend in a similar situation.
Joshua Syna HoustonHypnosis.com
~ Joshua specializes in hypnosis and is also a licensed counselor in The State of Texas. He has given hundreds of presentations in speaking engagements informing the public about the benefits of hypnosis and is available to present lectures about hypnosis to groups in the Houston area.
I have couples use a step-by-step process to reconnect with their desire for each other and rekindle the flame in their relationship:
- Time to Relax – Work, kids, and all of the other demands of your life produce stress and can strain our relationships. It can also inhibit sexual desire you experience for one another, so it is crucial that you take time to relax.
- Discover activities that you enjoy which are relaxing like meditation, taking walks together, yoga, and self-hypnosis. These activities lower stress-related neurochemicals like norepinephrine, ACTH, and cortisol levels that can be getting in the way of your natural sexual desire.
- Use your mind,,,for a change!-You have in your subconscious mind a storehouse containing everything you have ever seen, and everything you have experienced including all of the enjoyable memories of falling in love with your partner, and being totally attracted to them, and in many cases, so attracted that little else mattered at that time.
- By using your imagination and spending the time to reconnect with those previous experiences, and recalling and reliving exceptionally passionate sexual experiences you had in the past with your partner, it is amazing how the emotional and physiological responses your desire will follow.
- Let’s Talk. [tweetshare tweet=”Spend time talking about what each of you likes, and what you want intimately and sexually in your relationship” quote=”Spend time talking about what each of you likes, and what you want intimately and sexually in your relationship”] Express your vision of how you want the relationship to be, and learn to be comfortable sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner.
- Become “sexually structured.”- You have the structure in your life and it’s also important to be “sexually structured.” Plan your intimate, sexual time together and you will look forward to it. Monday is meatloaf, Tuesday turkey, Wednesday is whoopee! Along with structure, be open to other unplanned spontaneous opportunities which may arise throughout your week!
Reuven Brody Marriage-Reset.com
~ Reuven is a community services director, lay counselor, teacher & coach, blogging about building strong, sexy & enduring marriages at Marriage-Reset.com.
“A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.” (Andre Maurois)
If you’ve lost your desire for one another, it’s because hurt and frustration have eaten away at your mutual love. The way to rebuild your desire is to reaffirm your shared commitment, shower one another with loving acts and to stop hurting and even annoying each other.
Here’s what the process includes:
Step 1. Verbally commit to prioritize your marriage. Remember it comes before other friendships, careers or hobbies.
Step 2: Ensure mutual, unconditional respect and show it whenever you communicate and through your actions. You must be respectful even when speaking about your spouse to others.
Step 3: Frequently tell each other why you love one another.
Step 4: Identify and share what you need from your partner:
Step 5: Plan and list in specific detail how you will fulfill their wishes in a way that leaves you both happy.
Step 6: Discuss any reservations or difficulties you have in meeting your partner’s needs. Determine if you need to compromise or work on overcoming a blockage to growth.
Step 7: Spend a lot of time together as a couple for the sake of enjoying each other’s company.
Step 5: Be physically but non-sexually affectionate. A lot. Let your cuddle hormones help you rediscover the closeness that you had experienced together.
Step 6: Be accountable to each other and review progress daily.
Step 7: Remind yourselves that your goal is to rekindle the closeness you had previously enjoyed. You are on the same team and not opponents.
Step 8: If despite your attempts at problem-solving you are still stuck, consider whether you need a qualified third party to help you overcome any challenges.
Step 9: Watch as your affection and love build and reignite.
[tweetshare tweet=”If you prioritize one another and fulfil your partner’s needs, then feelings of love will resurface” quote=”If you prioritize one another and fulfil your partner’s needs, then feelings of love will resurface”] A renewed sense of purpose will reignite a desire for physical intimacy as well. Keep forward momentum going by regularly employing the above steps and rededicating yourselves to your marriage.
Charlotte Lucy Hammond-Wright CharlotteLucyHolisticTherapy.com
~ Charlotte is a Life Change Leader and Reiki Master, working with anyone who is ready to discover a life they love, lived on their terms through 1-2-1 and group coaching, healing, the Forever Happy Tribe, intuitive guidance and online self-study programs.
A loss of desire or excitement for anything in life which we feel we have ‘on tap’ is extremely natural, and yet, we must not believe that it is a trap we simply must fall into, no matter how natural it may be.
Very often the loss of desire for one another in a marriage comes down to the fact that you have become so used to the other person that you have forgotten at one time in the not so distant past, you chose that person to be your partner in life.
Over time, we forget how exciting it was to meet them, get to know them, to feel that spark that we so longed to feel with someone one day, and then to begin to fall in love with them and get a little deeper with each day that passed.
To bring back the spark, spend some time during the day remembering one another in those initial heady days after you first met…recall what you felt the moment you met. [tweetshare tweet=”Think about what made them feel so important and special to you that you choose them over all others” quote=”Think about made them feel so important and special to you that you choose them over all others.”]
Look back to how you felt when the relationship was still blossoming, because sparking your initial, lustful emotions and feelings for one another through recalling memories will reignite the desire now as well.
Yes, the initial blooms of lust may have blossomed and fallen, but the beautiful green leaves can still remain fresh and vital for many years to come as you grow together.
Cheryl Lazarus ZengaLove.com
~ Cheryl, CRC, CDC, is the Founder of ZengaLove is a Certified Relationship and Divorce Coach, and Energy Healer with therapeutic expertise. She specializes in helping men and women become more emotionally available for love and to create intimacy in their relationships. She has presented at the United Nations, professional organizations, holds workshops, and is on Relationship Tele-summits and Expert Panels.
Many couples lose sexual desire because they have been ‘withholding’ from each other through less than honest communication, forgetting to appreciate their partner or not spending quality time together. First, these connections need to be re-established.
[tweetshare tweet=”The next step is to bond through non-sexual intimate connections” quote=”The next step is to bond through non-sexual intimate connections”] This can include looking into each other’s eyes, breathing together and sensual touch. This helps each partner to relax without expectations or any anxiety of sexual performance. I’ve seen that when these steps are followed, the return of sexual desires often return naturally!
Esther Littlefield WellnessMomLife.com
Esther writes at wellnessmomlife.com, helping moms balance marriage, motherhood, and ministry by caring for their personal, physical, spiritual, and relational wellness. She offers a free marriage challenge for moms, and you can find it here.
I would recommend that the couple starts by re-connecting mentally and emotionally. [tweetshare tweet=”Often a lack of desire can result from a lack of connection between the spouses” quote=”Often a lack of desire can result from a lack of connection between the spouses”]
So taking the time to nurture the emotional aspect of their relationship may be a starting point for re-igniting their desire for one another. It may work best to start small – just taking 15 minutes to talk in the evening, or playing a game together, or going for a walk together.
These small actions can help to improve the connection this couple has.
Diana Urman DianaSexTherapy.com
~Diana, LCSW, PhD. is an accomplished sex and relationship therapist. She views sexuality from the perspective of pleasure and quality of life, not from a dysfunction-based model. She has helped countless clients address sexual dysfunction, increase confidence, discover fantasies, explore alternative lifestyles, tap into orgasmic abilities, and reach new levels of intimacy with their partner.
Rekindling your passion is a multistep process which starts with both partners identifying their relationship patterns and negative habits that block desire and pleasure.
Exploring how to communicate their desires and needs to a partner in the way that instills connection and intimacy is an essential tool in that process.
Finding out the differences in your sexual scripts and learning how to bridge them is the most important step to rediscover your passion and spark your curiosity about your partner.[tweetshare tweet=”Be wiling to participate in the phantasy role playing to share erotic energy with your partner. ” quote=”Be wiling to participate in the phantasy role playing to share erotic energy with your partner. “]
Be romantic. Write sweet messages. Have sexy chats.
Jacqueline Fisch JacquelineFisch.com
~ Jacqueline is an unfussy, jargon-free communications consultant and author of the book: Unfussy Mom: simplifying your life, staying [mostly] sane, and working like a boss.
[tweetshare tweet=”Write love letters. I’m a huge fan of putting pen to paper. It doesn’t need to be fancy – a sticky note will do” quote=”Write love letters. I’m a huge fan of putting pen to paper. It doesn’t need to be fancy – a sticky note will do”] Leave them in a lunch, on his toothbrush, in his shoe, in the car, on his phone.
We’re married today because of three little love notes.
Don’t know what to write? Start small – just draw a smiley face, write a simple, “I love you”, or start with a compliment, “lookin’ good in those new jeans!” When you’re ready to go bigger, try this script from one my annual love letter writing week:
Hi [name / lover / nickname],
I hope you’re having an amazing day. I was just thinking about the time we__________________.
I love when you _______________________.
You make my life better every day, because _________________, _________________, and ______________________.
You make me a better person because ______________________.
I also love you because…
– Reason 1
– Reason 2
– Reason 3
– …..[keep going if you like]
Thank you for being you / being in my life.
I love you.
Elena Darke ElenaDarke.com
~ Elena is an author and a psychologist who writes smart and sexy stories that work on your brain as well as your body. She writes for the couples intimacy app Pillow.io, and for ideas on communicating sexily, download her free sexy story here.
Be creative in the way you rebuild desire.[tweetshare tweet=”Stop any sexual contact for a week, and set yourselves a communication challenge every day” quote=”Stop any sexual contact for a week, and set yourselves a communication challenge every day”]. Share sexy thoughts, stories and desires in unusual ways.
For example: Day 1 – leave handwritten notes around the house for each other;
Day 2 – Use emoticons to tell your partner exactly what you’d like to do;
Day 3 – use a mix of asynchronous audio and video messages;
Day 4 – Tell a story with images and photos;
Day 5 – communicate with sexy gifs;
Day 6 – While you’re in the same room, write out exactly what you want to do to each other – sit facing each other and keep swapping your writing until you’re desperate to have sex – but don’t, yet!!
On the final day, when you’ve built up some real sexual tension again, you can unleash all that pent up desire – but don’t use any words at all, only use touch.
Kristi Allain KristiAllain.com
~ Kristi Allain is a bestselling author, dating coach, Tinder Society Wing-Woman, and founder of Nailed It! Coaching, where she helps singles achieve their dating and relationship goals.
“I was expecting it to be much harder”…”that’s what she said!” While you might groan at this immature joke, introducing it into your relationship could be the quickest way to rekindle your desire for one another.
[tweetshare tweet=”It’s a playful way to show that you’re thinking about sex without taking it too seriously but don’t to overdo it” quote=”It’s a playful way to show that you’re thinking about sex without taking it too seriously. No need to overdo it, though.”]When you drop sexual innuendos into casual conversation with your partner, you build sexual tension, arousal, and anticipation for your own sexual encounters. It’s a playful way to show that you’re thinking about sex without taking it too seriously. No need to overdo it, though.
If you’re planning to use sexual innuendos to get the juices flowing, slipping it in once per day is plenty (that’s what she said).
Heidi Williams WomanPulse.com
~ Heidi is a blogger that writes about sex, marriage, dating, and health.
You have to plan times to be fully present for your partner and away from all the distractions. Make a wishlist of things you want sexually and remember everything is negotiable.
You have to be willing to be open. Include the things you love about each others bodies and what turns you on about them. [tweetshare tweet=”Send flirty, wicked text messages and set times for touching and kissing so you can remember being lovers” quote=”Send flirty, wicked text messages and set times for touching and kissing so you can remember being lovers”]
Make your bedroom that safe, warm haven for intimacy.
Michael and Cloe Mayfair HealthListed.com
~Michael and Cloe are a married couple. They are both bloggers who deeply enjoy writing about several topics. From fitness, exercise, and nutrition, to life, relationships and raising their children; they just love sharing their experiences with their readers.
If you really want to get your desire back, it means there’s still hope because there’s something bigger that still keeps you together. Our advice — and we’ve been together as a married couple for quite some time now – is putting your imagination to good use. It’s simply your most powerful ally.
Clear your mind as best as you can and start flirting again. [tweetshare tweet=”The little things that you do during the day can help bring back those days when seduction was at its highest peak” quote=”It’s the little things that you do during the day that can help you bring back those days when seduction was at its highest peak.”] Send him a text message in the morning, buy her a flower, go out and have dinner together, take a walk in the part and talk about your day and dreams, go on a trip. Surprise each other.
If that still doesn’t work, let your imagination flow during those intimate hours. Picture yourselves in the role of other people, living other lives and see where that takes you. It can either get you both uncomfortable — if it does, stop it immediately — or it can spice up your relationship.
Start dating with each other again
Ashley Mader OurShine.org
~ Ashley is a psychotherapist, sex therapist, educator and consultant who specializes in older adults and sexuality. She runs a private therapy practice with a focus on older adult sexuality and aging transitions in the Pioneer Valley in Massachusetts.
Date each other again. Between work, household duties, children and everyday life, it is easy to lose touch with each other. Remember the excitement of dating and getting to know each other?
Even if you think you know everything there is to know about your partner, there are things you don’t know. Moreover, people change. The person you met 10, 20, 30 years ago may be much different than the person you know today. Get to know that person.
[tweetshare tweet=”Make time to do activities together that you loved doing before and try new activities” quote=”Make time to do activities together that you loved doing before and try new activities”] Leave the cell phones at home. We have become so accustomed to having access to everything and everyone at our fingertips that we sometimes forget to connect with the person in front of us.
Laura Yates Laurayates.org
~ Laura is a coach, writer, and blogger who specializes in helping men and women through break-ups and heartbreak.
Couples who have been together a long time can lose their desire and spark because they fall into habits and routines and get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. Stress and exhaustion can kill desire – even the most amazing of marriages! So it’s about consciously taking time every day to show appreciation for your partner.
[tweetshare tweet=”Kiss them hello and goodbye every day as you would have done when you first got together. Be tactile. Be flirty!” quote=”Kiss them hello and goodbye every day as you would have done when you first got together. Be tactile. Be flirty!”] Make time every week to spend quality time reconnecting and make this a non-negotiable, even if it has to be a ‘date night’ at home. Create a romantic atmosphere.
Go on regular mini (or big!) adventures if you can to re-learn how to have fun around each other and relax. Take the time to remind yourselves of why you married each other in the first place. If it’s more than just everyday life that’s dampening the desire, communication is the key to unraveling what’s going on.
It’s tough and can lead to conversations where both people have to be emotionally vulnerable, but talking it out (and both people being completely honest) is the only way to figure out where the blocks are coming from and what needs to happen from here.
Lesley Edwards MarsVenusCoachLesleyEdwards.com
~ Lesley is a dating and relationship coach that helps struggling singles and unfulfilled daters attract the partner they’ve always wanted. She offers coaching programs of varying intensity, and each is designed to empower clients to move past their fear, recognize blind spots in their behaviorr, and ultimately find the relationship they desire.
Never stop dating! All the magic of passion of love is discovering your partner. Over the years it can start to feel pretty predictable and that is where we can lose the sizzle.
[tweetshare tweet=”When you start dating your partner again there is a sense of curiosity to rediscover them Newly” quote=”When you start dating your partner again there is a sense of curiosity to rediscover them Newly”] Versus just existing together, thinking we already know everything about them, while dealing with all the less passionate aspects of life.
The dating mentality holds the power to ignite the spark of the relationship by carving out time where the only priority is for connection and focus on rediscovering the juicy qualities of your partner. Yum!
Melanie Matcek HeartAndSoul-Mates.com
~ Melanie is a credentialed matchmaker, relationship coach, and writer. Her advice and tips have been published in CNN/Money, Shape Magazine, Yahoo/Shine.
The key here is that they are both committed to getting it back- Complacency and routine can stifle any relationship. They have to collectively think outside the box and mix it up.
Whether it be in the bedroom, the daily routine, or even their standard evenings out- try something new, different, exciting and fresh. Add some spontaneity in every aspect. I’d also suggest a trip, an outing, or a retreat away that will challenge them and create a sense of excitement and teamwork.
[tweetshare tweet=”They could even visit the place where they honeymooned or recreate their first date” quote=”They could even visit the place where they honeymooned or recreate their first date”] Every couple can fall into the boredom trap. Every relationship will always require work to survive. This couple is already ahead of the game because of their commitment to each other.
Jennifer Rhodes RapportRelationships.com
~ Dr. Rhodes is a licensed psychologist, image consultant, dating expert and the founder of the relationship consultancy, Rapport Relationships.
I am often asked by couples what to do when the spark dies out. My best piece of advice is twofold:
Start incorporating novel activities into your weekly schedule and make time for an actual date night AND begin to focus on cultivating new hobbies SEPARATE from your partner.
[tweetshare tweet=”The combination of novelty and a little distance is an excellent way to rekindle romantic feelings.” quote=”The combination of novelty and a little distance (while working on improving yourself) is an excellent way to rekindle romantic feelings.”]
Jessica O’Reilly SexWithDrJess.com
~ Jess is the author of three best-selling books (The New Sex Bible, Hot Sex Tips, Tricks and Licks and The Little Book of Kink) and her advice reaches millions each month via international media outlets including Showtime, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Health and Men’s Fitness. You can catch her every week on Global Television’s national program, The Morning Show dissecting the latest research related to love, dating, marriage, and sex.
-Start moving together! [tweetshare tweet=”Exercise is strongly correlated with improved energy levels, body image, libido and sexual frequency ” quote=”Exercise is strongly correlated with improved energy levels, body image, libido and sexual frequency “]You don’t have to hit the gym to reap the rewards, however. Start walking together, dancing, doing yoga or cycling and watch your lives transform before your eyes.
-Do sixty-second favours every single day to show your partner that you choose them. Pour them a coffee/tea in the morning. Draw them a bath. Warm up their side of the bed. Gas up their car. Buy them a tasty snack/dessert. Press their shirt.
Leave a sticky love-note. Warm up their socks on a cool morning. When you go out of your way to make your partner feel special, this sets of a chemical reaction in the body that can deepen your bond and promote feelings of intimacy.
-Spend more time apart. You don’t tend to long for what you have right in front of you, so create some distance so that you become more interesting to your partner. Go out with friends, join a club or travel on our own to encourage absence to make the heart grow fonder.
Jonathan Bird TheSWExperts.com
~ Jonathan is the Managing Director of Singles Warehouse. One of the largest singles online dating sites in the UK with over 2 million registered members and an online dating blog covering all the important questions.
Losing desire is one thing…getting it back can be fun. I’d recommend you be playful, enjoy each others company and have a little fun.
[tweetshare tweet=”Start learning together again, maybe take up a new hobby that requires you to touch each other” quote=”Start learning together again, maybe take up a new hobby that requires you to touch each other”]You’ll never know how close you can get windsurfing unless you try.
Ev’Yan Whitney SexLoveLiberation.com
~ Ev’Yan Whitney is a writer who openly chronicles her journey of erotic awakening and exploration on her blog. In addition to writing about her sex life, she’s also a sexuality doula—a woman who helps facilitate, educate, and hold space for other women who want to step out of sexual shame and into their erotic power.
[tweetshare tweet=”Bring more unpredictability into your relationship, because that’s where desire is born from—mystery, novelty” quote=”Bring more unpredictability into your relationship, because that’s where desire is born from—mystery, novelty”] One way of doing this is by doing things with your partner that you’ve never done before. Particularly active things, like bouldering, hiking, gardening, acro yoga, etc.
Doing something new with each other shakes up the routine, and bringing in perhaps a little competition can create that strong, fiery passion that is often lacking in long-term relationships. So find something that can bring out your individual fieriness.
Not only will this help remind you two of why you decided to be together in this first place, all of that movement and motion produces endorphins and other feel-good hormones that’ll help jumpstart desire between you. There’s just something about learning something new with your partner and watching them get all sweaty and competitive with you. Win-win!
Yoni Alkan DrAlkan.com
The three main elements that one should put an emphasis on in order to restore and maintain a good long-term relationship are:
1. Short term time investment. [tweetshare tweet=”You need to allocate weekly time for each other. Time to be together, enjoy one another, communicate and have sex.” quote=”You need to allocate weekly time for each other. Time to be together, enjoy one another, communicate and have sex.”]
2. Change – You have to change things up. Be it the restaurant that you always go to, or the side of the bed you have sex on – you have to change.
3. Long term time investment – Things won’t get better after you put in the time once or twice. It takes a while for the affects to show, and you have to put that time aside continuously for it to sustain its effect.
Lucy Rowett JuiceAndJasmine.com
~ Lucy is a sex-positive coach and writer. She is on a mission to empower, educate and inspire you to be your brightest, fullest and juiciest self. She believes sexuality, spirituality, and transformation are the keys to be your most shining self.
The best advice I can give is to find a way to start having fun together! [tweetshare tweet=”Bring back an energy of playfulness because this will start to help you reconnect with each other in a different way” quote=”Bring back an energy of playfulness because this will start to help you reconnect with each other in a different way”]
Do something that makes you start to play with each other again, and then bring that playfulness and fun to the bedroom.
Rachel Wolany DigALittleDeeper0.me
~Rachel writes about self-development. Encouraging others to go easy on themselves through a transition of change. Humans generally get it wrong before they get it right. She specializes in identifying repeated patterns in behavior that hinder growth. She enjoys assisting others develop personally. Her mantra is ‘reflect on your behavior, develop strategies to improve, so you continually grow’.
“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
– William James
The statement above says, ‘lost their desire’. Meaning something that was, is no longer. Both people want to get it back. There’s an opportunity to start from the beginning.
Can you remember how you felt when your romance began to flourish? You couldn’t keep your hands off one another. The attraction was natural and the relationship blossomed.
Start with a weekly date. Initially, it may feel awkward to eat out. You might want to jazz up the dining room with a few candles and background music. Order take out or go to some effort in the kitchen.
Working together on the meal. Keeping busy. Chopping, stirring and tasting. Minimal eye contact is required. Taking the pressure off.
At first, it may feel like hard work. However the statement does say ‘want to get it back’. Meaning two parties have decided they are going to repair the distance in their relationship.
Have five questions ready to ask one another over dinner. When the conversation goes stale (and it will), use this time to reacquaint yourselves. You’re not the people you once were.
Be prepared for uncomfortable periods. Sit in it. Don’t try and escape it. Remember you’ve seen the other naked. Feeling awkward with your clothes on is a part of the healing process.
Don’t forget you’re at a place where everything is stagnating. It’s at this point most people admit defeat and go in the other direction. Calling it quits and separating. If you want to kick start your heart, put in the time and effort.
You may feel disappointed that it feels so tough. Don’t be in a hurry to get this over with. [tweetshare tweet=”Falling back in love and desiring one another is worth the wait.” quote=”Falling back in love and desiring one another is worth the wait.”]
Ground Rule.
For a couple of months play around with intimacy without the sex. For some, this will be a relief. Communication leads to a hug. Falling into one another leads to a kiss. Slowing rebuilding the connection between the both of you.
As things begin to heat up stick with the rule. Tighter hugs, longer lingering kisses. Acknowledge the passion. Feel it, appreciate it. This desire is built upon spending time together. Enjoying one another. Now you both want the trial period to be over. Stick with the rule.
Lakshmia Ferba AskTheGal.com
~ Lakshmia has an advice column where she writes about relationships, feelings, dating and much more.
The best advice that I can give a married couple that has lost the spark they had for one another but want to get it back is: They need to start “dating” each other again.[tweetshare tweet=”Doing activities together that brought them together in the first place.” quote=”Doing activities together that brought them together in the first place.”] Also, they need to have clear communication at all times.
And, lastly, they may need to bring in a neutral third party (Counselor, Minister, etc) to help them figure out what made them lose interest in the first place.
Mangala Holland MysticSex.com
~ Mangala facilitates Tantric rituals and workshops and is a Tantric coach and bodyworker. Her mission is to empower people to embrace their sexuality without guilt or shame. She believes that with the purest of intentions, sexual energy can be harnessed for our personal growth and spiritual evolution, and teaches in a no-nonsense, accessible style.
Find time to both separately pursue your own hobbies and interests- spending some time apart learning or practising something new will both make you feel more empowered in yourselves. When you then come together again you’ll have new and interesting things to share with each other.
This will also increase your “polarity”- the attraction and charge between you that was there before. To keep this polarity it’s good to regularly spend time apart.
Make a date night once a week for just the two of you (if you have children arrange for a childminder for the night so you can completely relax)- use this time to rebuild your physical intimacy- experiment with eye gazing, slow, sensual massage, take a bath together or perform a striptease.
Make the time to discuss your desires and fantasies with each other. [tweetshare tweet=”Take the time to rediscover each other emotionally and physically” quote=”Take the time to rediscover each other emotionally and physically”] I know some couples who regularly do a role-play session where they pretend they’re on a first date and then gradually move into lovemaking, rediscovering each other as if it’s their first time.
This is very powerful and can reignite your passion and keep things fresh. Transfiguration (gazing into each other’s eyes) is a very simple yet powerful tool which builds deep intimacy and trust. When we look into someone’s eyes we’re really looking into their soul.
At this point, all the mundane day-to-day issues melt away into a deeper level of trust and love. I recommend doing this for 2-3 minutes a few times a week at least!
Get out in nature- often we need to recharge our systems by switching off our devices and getting some fresh air- this is great for grounding and revitalizing, which are essential in keeping a healthy libido for both men and women.
Let go of your expectations. Play erotic games. Sensuality leads to sexual desire.
Steve Errey Confidence.coach
~ Steve is a confidence coach who’ll help you say “sayonara” to self-doubt, second-guessing and people-pleasing so you can have a sweet and beautiful life. He works with individuals and organisations, to help them build their confidence.
Desire changes, and having the expectation that it will continue to be a certain way is unrealistic. Changing your experience often needs you to first of all let go of the expectations you have around how it needs to be.
You can’t freely or joyfully explore a landscape when, at every step, you’re comparing it with what you think it ought to look like. [tweetshare tweet=”Let go of the expectations and explore what you could want with a sense of curiosity and playfulness” quote=”So take off the armour, let go of the expectations and explore what you could want with a sense of curiosity and playfulness”]
Sara Skaarup SaraSkaarup.dk
~ Sara is a Danish sex coach, author, and a journalist. Here primary field is counseling individual and couples regarding lying in open relationships.
Mai Vu MaiVuCoach.com
~ Mai is a Love & Relationship Coach in San Francisco Bay Area and is passionate about helping divorced moms who are dating again to balance the demands of being a good mom, having a successful career or business, and cultivating a hot and lasting relationship. She is an international coach and author of Amazon’s Best Seller: The Divorced Mom’s Guide to Dating – How to be Loved, Adored & Cherished.
My best advice for a married couple who have lost their desire and want to get it back is to STOP talking to each other about this. I know this is a shocking advice. What I found from my married clients who come to me for help to rekindle their passion is that they have talked TO each other way too long.
The more they talk about this, the worst it gets and the bigger the drift. The conversations become attacks, complaints, and blames, no matter how subtle or polite couples can be to each other.[tweetshare tweet=”My suggestion is to start with non-pressure holding. Non-pressure means no pressure of an outcome for sex or anything” quote=” My suggestion is to start with non-pressure holding. Non-pressure means no pressure of an outcome for sex or anything.”] We are going for a simple reconnection.
Be gentle with each other, start with a simple hand-holding and looking at each other in the eyes, while you think this statement: “Hello, it’s me. Who are you again?” Let both of your bodies start to recall what you once meant to each other. I suggest having this hug last at least five minutes.
Repeat this every day or even twice a day for a week and see what will open up for you. Remember: talk very little, go slow, and have very little expectation from each other or the exercise. Let the reconnection come to you both gently. Your bodies will guide you to what to do next.
Martha Tara Lee ErosCoaching.com
~ Martha is the founder and clinical sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and relationship coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. She is the author of the books Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, and Orgasmic Yoga. She is also the host of the weekly radio show Eros Evolution on OMTimes Radio.
The honeymoon phase doesn’t last even in the best of relationships wearing off within two years because this is our brain’s way of dealing with the onslaught of neurotransmitters called adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin.
This is when the initial love attraction turns real and there is an opportunity for the relationship to get deeper. Acknowledge to your partner that this has happened and recognize that it takes commitment and creativity to keep the passion going.
[tweetshare tweet=”Have an honest dialogue about what you would love if your partner could do for you without criticising each other” quote=”Have an honest dialogue about what you would love if your partner could do for you without it coming across as a criticism.”]This may be romantically or sexually. Own your part in this and also ask what you can do to spice things up.
Know that it is when you feel safe in your relationship that you can explore more with your partner, and this is an opportunity to grow, not a death sentence to your relationship.
Joan Price JoanPrice.com
~ Joan calls herself an advocate for ageless sexuality. She is the author of the new Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life; the award-winning self-help book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex; and the sexy memoir, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. At age 72, Joan continues to talk out loud about senior sex — partnered or solo – in speeches and workshops, and on her zesty blog about sex and aging.
[tweetshare tweet=”Realize that we don’t have to wait for the desire to hit before we start sharing sexual intimacy” quote=”Realize that we don’t have to wait for the desire to hit before we start sharing sexual intimacy”]
If we plan for sex by getting into a loving and relaxed mood — snuggling, kissing, laughing, teasing – the mood can grow as we let ourselves get sexually aroused. In other words, instead of waiting for the mood to strike, just get started, and as we get physiologically aroused, the desire will grow.
The more often we have sex together, the more we’ll want to do it.
Jacqueline Mendez JacquelineMendez.com
~ Jacqueline is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, and Professional Life Coach. She works with men, women, and couples. She also facilities groups and workshop on sensuality, sexuality, movement, and empowerment. Her focus is inspiring others to create extraordinary lives, deeper intimacy, and experience greater sexual freedom and expression.
Many of my clients arrive at my office in loving and amicable relationships but the sizzle is depleted or gone altogether. The first thing I tell them is that this is quite normal. The second thing I share with them is that we do not have just one sexuality, we have several of them and that our bodies have the wisdom to help us find all of them.
When we are young, our bodies are ready and able to turn on quite easily. Most of us can recall being in a hurry because we did not want to get caught by parents, roommates, etc.
As we and our relationships mature, grow, and are exposed to regular life stressors, our sexuality changes even if we are not aware of it. Modern parenting and work schedules are often not conducive to feeling sexy or sexual.
I also remind my clients that sex is not limited to a physical act. [tweetshare tweet=”Sex impacts and influences many parts of our lives – physical, mental, emotional, and, yes, even the spiritual.” quote=”Sex impacts and influences many parts of our lives – physical, mental, emotional, and, yes, even the spiritual.”]
Often sexual issues that manifest in ‘low desire’ or even painful sex do not have a physical cause – but rather can be wrapped up in the realm of meaning and significance (the emotional or spiritual parts of ourselves).
I truly believe that sex and sensuality is one of our greatest gifts because, in essence, sensuality has to do with how in tune one is with the senses: What do I see? Smell? Hear? Taste? How does my skin feel? How does my body want to move? How sensual you are plays a key role not only in your sex life but in your overall ability to derive pleasure from life as a whole.
We were intended to feel pleasure. We would not have been given our beautiful and amazing bodies filled with sensuous erogenous zones of this was not true. Sensuality is about connecting to ourselves and remembering what feels good and what turns us on.
Sexuality is about how one then chooses to express and connect to another. As one client brilliantly shared with me,” Getting the sizzle back in my marriage is about learning to fill my own cup and sharing it with him rather than waiting for him to fill it.”
I teach my clients to reengage themselves through sensual nuances and movement. One step is to begin to engage with our sensuality differently by slowing down, paying attention to the nuances of the body, and asking yourself, “what enlivens me?”
May be it begins with you drinking your coffee in a way that allows you to truly taste, smell, and enjoy your coffee. Perhaps you begin by slowly massaging your favorite lotion all over your body. One of my favorite practices is to walk barefoot in my backyard smelling the roses and feeling the wet ground underneath me.
Movement allows us to remember our sense of self, and, in the process, reminds us about the value of being embodied (being aware of our emotions and letting ourselves feel them as they appear) while releasing the habitual muscular holding patterns. Tension is the antithesis of desire.
As I often share with clients, the body does not know if you are tense because you are dealing with the daily life or being chased by lions, but no one feels like having sex when being chased by lions. I often introduce movement, by inviting clients to notice what parts of their body usually leads and then picking another body part perhaps hips, pelvic, or the heart.
Maybe you begin by turning on your favorite song and beginning to sway slowly until you get lost in the movement. Sounds funny, but when we allow ourselves to experience our bodies differently, we begin to get curious and isn’t that what initially fed out limerence.
Experiencing low desire in a marriage is normal. My encouragement is for it to be seen as an invitation to re-engage and explore what enlivens you by noticing what turns on your boy’s innate sensuality. I also invite you to explore how your body want to move – dance, move, shake, or slow down and move only a toe.
Get curious about what you discover then decide how you want to share it with your partner. Perhaps this is a practice the two of you begin together. Above all, relax and have fun.
Pam Spurr DrPam.co.uk
~ Dr. Pam Spurr is an award-winning radio presenter, TV guest/pundit, self-help and relationship expert, and life coach. Pam is the author of 15 self-help books on topics including sex, happiness, dating, emotional eating, and dream interpretation.
A couple (whether both or either partner has lost desire) should first explore the following that can underlie this loss: any potential medical problems; the side effects of medication; feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress; lifestyle choices like excessive drinking and working long hours; relationship difficulties over, for instance, childcare issues or the household budget.
Once they explore these – to rule them out or find solutions for them – they should rekindle flirting as far too many couples stop this. Next, be aware of before play – the phrase I coined 15 years ago which means being generally supportive, caring and loving to each other. Plus keeping an eye on the issues that deplete desire like too much stress and arguments. Before play makes foreplay possible.
[tweetshare tweet=”Then they can reconnect through gentle foreplay without the pressure to take it to full sex until they’re ready” quote=”Then they can reconnect through gentle foreplay – kissing, caressing, etc. – without the pressure to take it to full sex until they’re ready”]
Finally, they should enjoy sharing secret fantasy desires with each other. Desire can be aroused with a little foreplay and sexy chat about fantasies – like one of them is lying on a warm tropical beach. The other is a stranger who approaches and offers to rub sunblock into them…this leads to full seduction by the stranger.
Michael Aaron DrMichaelAaronnyc.com
~ Michael Aaron, Ph.D., LCSW, CST, is a nationally certified sex therapist and clinical sexologist, specializing in working with sexual minorities, alternative/kink/polyamory lifestyles, sex workers, discordant desire and infidelity in couples, sexual dysfunction and anxiety, gender and orientation confusion, and sexual compulsivity.
My best advice for married couples who have lost their desire would be to focus on planning quality interactions together that involve some level of physical intimacy.
Doesn’t have to be sex. But studies show that many couples stop having sex because it just isn’t that good.
For these couples, what initially felt passionate and intense eventually becomes replaced with rote and repetitive unsatisfying encounters due to lack of time, fatigue, life pressures, and so on. Who would want to continue having unsatisfactory experiences like that?
For many of these couples, sex has been so bad for so long that there is a resistance to even trying again. [tweetshare tweet=”Couples should focus on planning unrushed experiences that feel physically pleasurable, even if not sexual in nature.” quote=”Instead, couples should focus on planning unrushed experiences that feel physically pleasurable, even if not necessarily sexual in nature.”]
This could often be massage or other forms of physical touch, but the point is to start with some small steps to regain desire for more sensuality and then build from there.
Uta Demontis UtaDemontis.com
~ Uta is a professional Relationship Coach and Clinical Sexologist. She assists men, women and couples who desire to overcome sexual concerns, enhance their sex life or resolve difficulties in their relationship. She has received her PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.
Keep kissing
Many couples stop kissing after some time; long, juicy kisses turn into a quick peck on the lips. When kissing leaves the relationship, so does passion and connection. Instead of getting closer, partners create distance.
[tweetshare tweet=”Kissing is potent and powerful as it brings you closer together and also activates sexual desire” quote=”Kissing is potent and powerful as it brings you closer together and also activates sexual desire”]One way to start the flames of passion is with the 9-second kiss: The first thing you do when you get home is to greet your partner with an embrace and kiss that lasts at least 9 seconds. Make the kiss juicy and succulent, and your evening will start with the right tone.
August McLaughlin AugustmMclaughlin.com
~ August is an award-winning, nationally recognized health and sexuality writer and host and creator of Girl Boner®. Each week on Girl Boner® Radio, she interviews relationship experts, celebrity entertainers and more, exploring women’s lives and sexuality
It’s important to know that you’re not alone. Many couple struggle with libido loss or intimacy declines at some point. You should also know that it’s manageable; you can reclaim the spice and closeness you desire.
The fact that you want to improve your bedroom life is a great sign; change starts with the wish and decision to do so.
Commit to reigniting that flame, without fixating on sex, lack-there-of or orgasm. [tweetshare tweet=”Start with setting aside time for intimacy, for new adventures in and outside of the bedroom” quote=”Start with setting aside time for intimacy, for new adventures in and outside of the bedroom”] If sex happens, great! If it doesn’t, that’s also great. Pressure on ourselves to be sexually turned on can be a major buzzkill.
Let it evolve as it will. In fact, taking sex completely off the table temporarily can help. Rather than schedule time for sex, schedule time for other types of intimacy. Give each other massages. Take a warm bubble bath. Slow dance in your living room. Or go on a fun date.
New experiences can rev up those punch-drunk falling-in-love brain chemicals you experienced early on.Communicate with each other, and don’t be afraid to seek guidance or support. I also highly recommend Dr. Megan Fleming’s Rekindle Desire audio and workbook program.
Theresa Johanne Kirkby TheresaJohanne.com
~Theresa is a certified sexologist (therapist) from Denmark. She likes to inspire people to start following their intuition and listen to their hearts.
Seeing that all couples and relationships are different – I’d say that my advice very much depends on the situation.
However my advice to couples that feel connected and have a good communicative relationship but feel no lust for each other, would be: Try to think of intercourse as: “not an option”.
Make a rule to touch each other every day, to kiss, cuddle, caress, massage – without trying to have sex. Don’t have sex! You might be thinking: “Ahh, duuh.. We WANT to have sex.” Yes.. I get that. Completely. However. You don’t want boring, “fake”, frustrating and absolutely senseless sex, do you?
The more we touch and connect intimately without a goal (sex, orgasm, release), there more we’ll want to score the goal. But before we surrender too quick into what we’ve become so bored with, we need to feel sexually connected again. And this takes time.
So.. turn your intimacy into a practice, where NOTHING is expected of you. Sometimes we pressure ourselves to feel, to get wet, to get an erection, to have lust, to want, to orgasm, to ejaculate, to surrender, to fucking just enjoy whatever’s going on.
But the more pressure and stress we put onto the ourselves and our partner, the less lust, desire, enjoyment and passion we’ll find. And it’s not about fining anything. Remember that. It’s about feeling. It’s about the now.
Take turns in caressing and touching each other. Practice receiving and giving. Enjoy the moment with each other. [tweetshare tweet=”Enjoy feeling your body opening up to your partner’s touch and simply be with that feeling” quote=”Enjoy feeling your body opening up to your partner’s touch and simply be with that feeling “]But don’t act on it until you feel more sexually connected to your partner again.
Remember.
Things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s the same with sex and intimacy. It takes dedication and time, communication and trust, being in the now and becoming the body.
Once you start feeling a little desire for each other again, you can slowly start caressing and touching each other more privately, more intimately. Maybe give your partner oral-sex for 2 minutes, without making him or her cum’. Do it for the sensation, for the play, for the intrigue. Do it because you want to do it.
Enjoy feeling that sexual energy between the two of you again. And let it be.
Until..
It feels completely relaxed, in a flow, natural and not like a chore to have sex again. And once that happens – after 1-5 weeks or how ever long it may take, then simply enjoy each others bodies and don’t chase the goal.
And then.. keep working on it. Be aware. Be conscious of what it is you want from your sex-life. Is it the goal – the orgasm, the ejaculation, the fix? Or is it the intimacy, the connection, the sexual energy, the lust, the love? What is it?
Gabriela Galvan de Antillon BluePearlTherapeutic.com
~ Gabriela works with individuals and couples who secretly yearn for a sex life that is mind altering and she is also creating tantalizing workshops. Gabriella got her post-graduate specialization in Sex Therapy, couples work, and addictions.
If a couple has lost the physical desire to be with each other, or, the emotional desire then we need to reintroduce each person through the language of touch. Lack of sex and lack of intimacy can lead the way to decreased physical and emotional desire.
So for a moment lets take intercourse and orgasm off the table. Take a step back… get to know each other trough touch. Export each others body from head to toe. Notice all the changes time has done. Notice the changes that life has left on your loved ones body.
What does that mean to you? Is it a scar from a birth? Is it a scar from an illness? How did that person mean to you during that time? How did that event bring you closer? Start there and each week set out time to explore each others body from head to toe in the nude. This small step can reignite the emotional desire for sex as well as the physical.
Nadine Keller NadineKeller.com
~ Nadine is a psychotherapist, whose practice is grounded in somatic psychology, mindfulness, hakomi, transpersonal and jungian psychology, tantra, shamanism, alchemy, symbolism, archetypes and spirit. Her specialties are relationships, intimacy and sexuality couples, family and marital issues.
At the foundation of desire is a wanting, a longing.. a wish for something. We can not wish for or want what we already have; it is the longing that fuels desire.
For married couples, it is crucial to recapture each individual’s own passion in life and stoke the flames of desire within.
Allow space in the relationship to miss one another. In that missing of one another, open to discovering a new layer of the other. We are organic beings growing and changing in every moment. Deepen into the mystery of the other and become even more curious in your dance together.
Learn how to enchant each other with your eyes, ignite your partner’s fires before your bodies even touch. There are a million ways to make love. Turn up the volume on your relationship to life itself and bring that into the marriage. Be willing to be “all in” and dive in deeper with more passion, intimacy and connection than you ever imagined.
Make your dates playdates. Body paint each other as you see them in their most fierce essence, then make love. Create a sacred practice of your lovemaking… teasing, tempting preparing for the moment you get to bow down worship each other.
Explore every possible way you can awaken desire in the other, and how vulnerable and open you can be with each other. Take turns in surrender and leading. Allow yourselves to awaken to the wildest adventure of life… together, with your partner in passion and you will never ever be short on desire. You can find out more on how to have better sex and greater sexual pleasure and fulfillment through intimacy in this podcast that I did.
Chelsea Holland DrChelseaHolland.com
~ Chelsea, DHS is a Sex and Relationship Therapist based in Colorado, USA. As a therapist, speaker and writer she helps individuals, partners, and groups regardless of their sexual orientation, sexual interests, ability, and age with concerns and questions regarding their sexuality and relationships. She embodies an open-minded, sex-positive, and nonjudgmental approach to help others explore, embrace and enhance their sexuality.
During sex many of us have been fed the belief that the genitals should get all the focus and that orgasm is the goal of sex; however, it would be more to your advantage to broaden your scope and consider the entire body as one big erogenous playground.
Because each body is different, have some fun experimenting with the five senses to find what sensations your body enjoys and that really build your arousal. Tantalize your ears with music or even some fun, dirty talk. [tweetshare tweet=”Discover what kind of touch feels arousing such as something firm, playful, or sensuous” quote=”Discover what kind of touch feels arousing such as something firm, playful, or sensuous”]
Even try some delicious smelling candles or oils. Also depriving one of your senses by covering your eyes with a light blindfold while tantalizing your taste buds with delicious strawberries can bring an arousing buzz to your body. The possibilities are endless!
Just keep in mind that although the entire body can be used for tantalizing pleasure, don’t forget the importance of the brain. Yes, it is under the surface and seemingly untouchable; however, engaging the brain is essential during seduction for desire to develop.
Ellen Bard EllenBard.com
~ Ellen is a psychologist and personal development blogger who works with those who are too tough on themselves. She offered a gift for our readers, a free cheat sheet on being kind to yourself, that you can find here.
This might sound counter-intuitive, but one way to rebuild desire is to spend some time alone, working on yourself. [tweetshare tweet=”In order to feel any kind of desire for another person, we need to feel desire, and love, for ourself” quote=”In order to feel any kind of desire for another person, we need to feel desire, and love, for ourself”]
Self-care from a physical, emotional and mental point of view can be a way of us showing our subconscious that we have self-compassion and self-love, and we truly value ourself, inside and out – a partner can’t fill those kind of gaps, you need to ensure you are whole-hearted so you’re both giving and taking from the partnership.
Self-care can also be a way of understanding what we like without any pressure from outside, as you can take time to get to know your own body. We can build from that knowledge of yourself to re-bond with our partner.
Anya de Montigny TeachMeAboutSex.com
~ Anya is a sex educator and sexuality counselor with a holistic, comprehensive approach that guides people towards a healthy, pleasure-based lifestyle. I specialize in working with individuals and couples who are seeking education, guidance, and compassion in their journey towards a fully-expressed sex life and sexual identity.
I often see couples in my practice that have lost their passion and desire for one another that manifests as lack of intimacy, connection, and sexual satisfaction. They come to see me because of their strong desire to remained married and find their sexual chemistry with one another again.
My recommendation is that they purchase a massage table and begin the practice of erotic massage. This can come in the form of sensual massage with or without the use of kinky play or what I call, Bondassage. [tweetshare tweet=”Bondassage and erotic massage are wonderful ways for couples to connect” quote=”Bondassage and erotic massage are wonderful ways for couples to connect”]
Often times, couples have not touched each other in loving, intimate and sensual ways for years. By using a massage table, oils, sensation play items and conscious touch they are able to reawaken their eroticism and find intimacy again.
It’s important for couples who want to find their desire again to explore other avenues of sensuality together outside the hum drum of the bedroom. Therefore, I say, get a massage table, find some amazing erotic massage or Bondassage videos and start having fun!
Lee Brains GreatLifeCoach.co.uk
~Lee is an experienced, results-driven master life coach, spiritual teacher, and inspirational speaker. He offers coaching relationship as an effective, challenging, positive way to deal with life’s dips, uncertainties and energy drains.
Best advice: If you are BOTH committed to getting it back then… Research and go on a Tantra Massage retreat. There are teachers all over the world offering these sacred spaces for couples.
Commit to each other to use that space to open to the mystery of love one more time. Show up, be open, be vulnerable, be responsible for your own juiciness. [tweetshare tweet=”Then under the guidance of the Tantra massage teacher allow your hearts to be blown open” quote=”Then under the guidance of the Tantra massage teacher allow your hearts to be blown open”]
If either of you isn’t interested in giving everything to this last-ditch attempt, then it is a sure sign that the physical-relationship arc may be coming to a close. May love move in mysterious ways between you.
Annie Sprinkle AnnieSprinkle.org
~ Annie is a popular lecturer whose work is studied in many colleges and Universities. G She got her BFA at School of Visual Arts in NYC and she earned a Ph.D. She plays an important part in the “ecosex movement,” being committed to making environmentalism more sexy, fun and diverse.
It’s great to get some inspiration and new information. [tweetshare tweet=”I recommend that a couple makes some time to do some fun sex workshops together” quote=”I recommend that a couple makes some time to do some fun sex workshops together”]
If the couple lives in a city, find out where the best offerings are. Most feminist sex toy shops have great workshop series. Start with two-hour workshops, then go for a day, weekend or week-long workshop.
If not in a city, or total privacy is needed, then there are some good educational offerings online. Even free ones. Then be sure to do your homework!
Lynn Comella Lynn Comella
~ Lynn, Ph.D. is an Associate Professor of Gender and Sexuality Studies at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Her work has been published in the International Journal of Communication, Feminist Media Studies, The Feminist Porn Book, Sex for Sale, and New Sociologies of Sex Work, among other venues.
[tweetshare tweet=”Plan a date to go shopping for a new sex toy” quote=”Plan a date to go shopping for a new sex toy”]Even if you don’t buy anything, the experience of shopping together for a sex toy—especially at a women-friendly store—can be a great way to spark conversations about sex and enhance intimacy
Karen Poter KarenLeePoter.com
~ KarenLee is the host of the world famous KarenLee Poter YouTube Channel & Blog. She created the show after becoming single after 24 years of marriage.
Here are 10 thoughts about spicing it up!
1) Each individual needs to work on themselves before anything can happen as a couple.
2) Take a couples’ massage class or read books about sensual massage. Check out my video
[tweetshare tweet=”3) Schedule a “sex night”and text about it throughout the day” quote=”3) Schedule a “sex night”and text about it throughout the day”]
4)Watch porn or read erotica together
5)Take turn planning a new sexual episode or position.
6) Use props, lingerie and role play
7) Masturbate together or watch each other
8)Go to an alternative lifestyle resort
9)Try vibrators and other sexual toys
10)Talk dirty to one another outside of the bedroom to remind each other that you are turned on.
Kaleel Sakakeeny TheOtherMeCoaching.com
~ Kaleel is a Certified Coach (ICPA Harvard Medical School affiliate) that has MFA and MS degrees (Speech, Communication, Performance). He calls his work Liberation Coaching and he uses Dick Schwartz’s exciting Internal Family Systems (IFS), and other approaches, like storytelling and role playing where peoples’ stories come alive and three-dimensional.
First I would not focus on “the desire for one another,” but rather fulfilling each person’s own desire for a satisfying sexual experience.
That may mean watching some porn, masturbating as often as the desire is there, read some sexy novels. [tweetshare tweet=”Get physically in better shape and then transfer your own awakened sexuality to your partner” quote=”Get physically in better shape and then transfer your own awakened sexuality to your partner, still concentrating on your pleasure first.”]
Also, the person with the lower sex drives sets the agenda. If you are saying “no” to sex, add a “when.” If it’s “no,” make it , “No, not now but tomorrow (or later)” and be specific and honor the commitment.
Kate Moyle KateMoyle.co.uk
~ Kate is a relationship therapist who works with couples and individuals to help them get to a place of sexual health, happiness, and wellbeing.
Use all of your senses to play with and heighten desire in new ways. We get so distracted by just focusing on penetrative sex that we miss out on so much pleasure.
Explore each other’s bodies in a way that you haven’t before – use a scented oil for massage, or a blindfold so that your partner doesn’t know where you will touch them next.
[tweetshare tweet=”The skin is the body’s largest erogenous zone and all five senses are there to be explored.” quote=”The skin is the body’s largest erogenous zone and all five senses are there to be explored.”]
Stephanie Hunter Jones StephanieHunterJones.com
~ Stephanie is a Los Angeles based Clinical Sexologist, Counselor, Intuitive Healer, Artist, and Professional Writer with 16 years of experience in her field. Dr. Stephanie holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, MA in Clinical Psychology, and is a Certified Sex Coach, educator and public speaker on human sexuality. Her specializations include Sex Therapy, Relationship Counseling, Alternative Lifestyles and Sexual Behaviors, Sexual Trauma, Empowerment Therapy, and Sensual Hypnosis.
Quick tips for rediscovering, or establishing passion in your relationship.
Schedule regular play time.
Many individuals have demanding lives, therefore the first and foremost imperative rule in rekindling and igniting desire is to create an agenda for regular play time. This should be done at least three times per week to develop a pattern for intimacy.
Proceed with the following reconnection exercises three times per week.
*First and Second Week: sit diagonally across from one another and voice what you most like and find attractive in your partner. Proceed by spending two minutes silently gazing into one another’s eyes. Afterwards, follow with a “non-sexual” 20-minute mutual massage.
*Third Week: continue with the proceeding exercise; however, follow the massage with masturbation. Each pleasuring yourselves while closely lying next to one another, being open and allowing your partner to watch.
*Fourth Week: add mutual masturbation by pleasuring your partner and allowing them to please you.
*Fifth Week: add oral sex after the reconnection exercise.
[tweetshare tweet=”Intercourse can be added. You will both find the experience feeling more natural and extremely passionate. ” quote=”*Sixth Week: intercourse can be added. You will both find the experience feeling more natural and extremely passionate. “]This is due to the devotion from the reconnection exercise.
Remember, the orgasm is a small part of your sexual experience. If at any time through the six-week period either or both of you do not orgasm, be okay with it. It is natural.
Discover the art of communication.
*Learn to openly express your deepest, hidden desires to your partner and importantly, listen to theirs without fear, shame, or judgment.
*Be eager to go outside your comfort zone and try new fantasies and experiences.
*Explore erotic indulgences such a, voyeurism (porn), exhibitionism, threesomes, group sex and swinging, kink, fetish, and BDSM play. All of these activities, if pursued in a healthy way, can enhance excitement in your sex life.
Remember, there is considerable more to sex than just intercourse and orgasm, so free yourself and discover your passion!
Anne Moir and John Campbell WeTalkAboutSex.com
BrainSexMatters.com
~ Anne is an internationallyrecognizedd and widely published authority on the rapidly developing science of neuropsychology. John is an international and inspirational speaker who captivates audiences with his wisdom and humour. His specialist subjects are relationships, parenting, Law of Attraction and A Course In Miracles.
The best advice we could offer anyone asking this question is that firstly, and most importantly, understand that nothing has gone ‘wrong’.
It’s so important that at this crucial time both of you realize this fact and understand that it’s a 50-50 deal and that no one is to ‘blame’. Apportioning blame can be quite devastating at any time. What is called for here is an understanding that nothing happens by accident and that if you are experiencing this right now in your life it sounds like it’s a call for healing. The most important thing is to become calm and relaxed and KNOW that help is out here.
The biggest cause of breakdown in marriages/couple unions is the diminished interest in the physical act of love making. This is often experienced first in the female partner but can also be the male who firsts experiences it. It doesn’t matter who loses interest first – the result is still a joint loss!
Working with many such situations we have come to the realization that the way we are programmed to traditionally make love is the cause of the problem. We call this ‘The Fast Friction’ way and this way creates a neuro-chemistry which results eventually in loss of interest and often separation with that partner.
Overtime this way, combined with masturbating the traditional way, de sensitizes our sexual organs and they begin to suffer. They become less able to transmit and receive the messages each give to the other. This eventually results in what people accept as a loss of libido in the female or ED (Erectile Dysfunction) in the male.
So each partner firstly can relax in the knowledge that there is nothing they have to ‘do’. That they are not responsible for satisfying their partner and vice versa. So they can take their focus off the partner and bring it back 100% to themselves and their own feelings and sensations.
This has the affect of an immense release of tension in both parties when they can relax into this idea. No goals, no need to achieve an erection (in the male), no need to become excited (in the female) and no need for any orgasms! Simply make the decision that you both want to lie naked together and have an experience. We are so programmed that we both need to ‘be in the mood’ if we are to have sex.
This is fairy tale nonsense! It is a decision in the mind. A conscious choice. When we do this with no ‘goal’ attached and simply relax and get used to focusing 100% on our own sensations as we explore each others bodies. The three most important things to remember is to slow down, slow down and slow down!
Make sure you decide to sleep naked together (no excuses-just try it) and make an agreement to make love at a certain time/day like an appointment. We recommend couples allow genital contact with each other every day as a kind of acknowledgment that they love each other – even if the adults which they are a part of have maybe been quarreling!!!. Over time this has a very bonding impact on the relationship.
Both the couple must express their love for each others genitals and communicate openly what feels good and where. Begin truly letting down the programmed shame and guilt we have all experienced at different levels around the subject of sex.
The couple must begin falling in love with their own bodies and genitals in particular. One week of re training in a new way of making love can have incredible positive results. This, if continued over time, has the result of re-sensitizing the genitals and increase in a desire of unbelievable proportions.
We have examples of men who have been diagnosed as having ED and/or low libido and have been given Viagra and Testosterone Gel treatment without any significant results – be re trained, together with their partner, in a new way of love making and then discarded all the drugs and experience beautiful love making every single day despite being in their 70’s.
Carol Queen CenterForSexAndCulture.org
~ Carol Queen is a writer and cultural sexologist with a Ph.D. in human sexuality. She is a noted erotic writer and essayist whose work has appeared in dozens of anthologies and is read in university classes across the US. She is the author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, and Exhibitionism for the Shy, which explores issues of erotic self-esteem and enhancement.
First, evaluate whether there are emotional elements that are getting in the way of desire. Are they communicating badly with each other? Is there respect and positive regard?
Are there unhealed resentments? Are they taking each other for granted? Are they always together, with no breathing room or space for intrigue and desire to develop?
Second, evaluate whether there may be a physical issue. Is menopause coming on? Are there erectile issues (and attendant fear) that are keeping one partner from expressing desire? Has sexual desire waned suddenly?
If so, there may be an undiagnosed health problem. Go to the doctor—and tell the doctor about the sexual issue! They cannot use this information to help diagnose if the patient does not mention it.
Third, determine whether there is something about their past sex life specifically, or their general attitude about sex, that needs to be addressed or improved upon.
Were both partners really happy with their initial sex life, orgasmic and comfortable with desire? [tweetshare tweet=”If there was any lurking shame or dissatisfaction, it will often come out later in a relationship.” quote=”If there was any lurking shame or dissatisfaction, it will often come out later in a relationship.”]
These evaluations may help make an action plan: Sometimes it’s a doctor visit, learning better communication skills, even some time with a therapist to heal past issues. Learning more about sexuality is sometimes important.
Then: They need to talk frankly about their desire to re-connect. Make sure love and desire can be felt by both partners—they can flirt with each other, make sure they are sensual and touch each other.
They can do something erotic and new together: Shop for a sex toy, take a Tantra workshop, learn some BDSM skills, whatever seems exciting to both partners. This will alter their pattern, focus both on something new, and help shift them out of their rut.
Kyle Stephenson KRStephenson.wix.com
~Kyle is an assistant professor of psychology at Willamette University and director of the Sexuality and Relationships Lab.
In general, I think it’s key to have a good thorough assessment of potential causes of the low desire.
For example, it’s important to try and differentiate whether the issue is specifically sexual, or a symptom of wider problems in the relationship. Can the couple still communicate well?
[tweetshare tweet=”Are they engaging in non-sexual forms of physical intimacy (kissing, holding hands, etc.)?” quote=”Are they engaging in non-sexual forms of physical intimacy (kissing, holding hands, etc.)?”] Is there a history of sexual trauma for one or both partners? These questions will help determine whether sex therapy, couple therapy, or individuals may be most helpful.
Thankfully, there are good empirically-supported treatments for both low sexual desire (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy) and dissatisfaction in the relationship as a whole (e.g., Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy), but these treatments look fairly different.
Similarly, while most cases of sexual problem are caused by a mixture of physical, psychological, and interpersonal factors, it is possible that a specific medical (e.g., hypothyroidism) or interpersonal factor (e.g., infidelity) may be the most important factor to address.
Again, good solutions are available for both type of problem, but it’s important to match the couple with the appropriate treatment. This assessment and treatment matching is best undertaken by a team of practitioners working in collaboration (e.g., a clinical psychologist and a primary care physician).
Edward Lichten BestSexEver.Center
~ Edward Lichten is a 68-year-old board certified physician who was mentored by the legendary gynecologist Frederick P. Zuspan, M.D. Professor Emeritus at Ohio State University.
[tweetshare tweet=”Good sex starts with good levels of testosterone in both men and women.” quote=”Good sex starts with good levels of testosterone in both men and women.”] Environmental toxins (xeno-estrogens) from plastics, dioxin, pesticides increase Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG). Normal women 30-45nmol/l; men 5-15nmol/l. High SHBG ties up testosterone and libido and orgasmic potential drops.
The only medication that lowers SHBG mildly is danazol for both sexes. More powerful medication in US. Oral and vaginal oxytocin in proper delivery will raise orgasmic potential.
The problem is the birth control pills and progestin IUD block orgasms. The BestSexEver.center tells more about the hormones and treatments for these young women deprived of great sex/ release/ orgasm.
Men can use sildenafil/ tadalafil in 20, 40, 60mg and even alprostadil penile injections to remain erect long enough for women to climax. This is usually 20-40 minutes.
Women: don’t be cheated. Remember to tell him “please me first!”
Thank you so much to all the specialists that contributed to this expert roundup! This is a post with 76 authors. Let me know in the comments below what advice are you going to follow and what was the outcome.
Remember to share this post with all your friends. You may never know whose relation you could save by helping them to rekindle their sex life.
Minuca Elena
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I love this! What particularly resonated with me was the fact that couples should have affectionate contact with one another without having the pressure of full-blown sex… oftentimes we forget this simple and powerful tip as it can lead to a revival of attraction between the couple. Thanks for this brilliant round up with so many renowned experts Minuca!
Hi Hina,
I’m so glad you like my roundup. I think that the most important thing is to first re-establish the trust in the relation, by honestly communicating your desires and also your frustration. When the emotional bond becomes stronger, the sexual desire comes naturally.
Also, spending more time together in a relaxing way helps. Even married people should sometimes go out on a date.
Thanks, Hina!
Cheers,
Minuca
Wow, what an awesome post Minuca and Maj. So much for people to enjoy here. Thanks for including my suggestions. I look forward to sharing – and trying a lot of these out!
Hi Ellen,
Thank you so much for contributing to my our roundup and for helping me find other participants! Let me know what is your favorite answer.
Cheers,
Minuca
Very interesting and useful article. Great work putting together the opinions of so many specialists!
Hi Delia,
I’m glad you like my expert roundup. Thanks for stopping by to leave a comment!
Best,
Minuca
Hi Minuca
Many thanks for putting together such an informative and diverse set of experts on this fascinating topic of sexual desire. Very balanced and many ideas to consider.
Warm wishes
John Campbell & Dr. Anne Moir
Hi John,
Thank you for participating in our expert roundup! We appreciate your contribution.
Best,
Minuca
What an enlightening treasure trove of information and perspectives. Thanks.
Great to know !
Thanks for this useful post