My partner won’t help me get my sex drive back – what do I do?

Hi Maj

I’m currently doing your online workshop about a lack of sex drive.

However, I have a problem which keeps me from fully taking in what you are saying to me and do something about my lack of sex drive.

That problem is that my partner won’t help me get my sex drive back.

I don’t have my boyfriends support and he is seeing it as a waste of time and really doesn’t see the point.

He did listen in on the first module though!

But his comment after this was that you were saying very basic things and it wouldn’t make a difference.

So now I’m sitting here after having listened to module 2 – alone.

And I’m just so angry that he won’t be a part of this and that he won’t take responsibility for our sex life.

Because of this I am now having difficulty seeing the point in me participating in this seminar on my own.

Let me just say, that what you teach in the modules makes perfect sense to me!

However, I’m finding it very hard to work with it because my anger is holding me back.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 9 years and we do have a good relationship.

Apart from our sex life…

My partner won’t help me get my sex drive back

The problem with sex has pretty much always been there though…

To be more specific, my sex drive has always been lacking.

Our communication regarding sex drive is terrible to!

It’s filled with blame and threats from him.

And tears from me…

Then we just stop talking about it and I’ll walk around waiting for the bomb to explode again.

Such an unhealthy environment if you wish to change something in your relationship.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 9 years and we do have a good relationship.

The problem with sex has pretty much always been there though.

Of course I completely understand that this situation isn’t great for either of us!

And I don’t want us to keep going like this.

I’m 100 % certain that if this doesn’t get solved, then we will end up splitting up.

Or he will leave me.

And just thinking about such a situation fills me with fear, so much that I almost can’t even write it.

But that’s how it is…

Why on earth can’t I just sort it out myself?

I don’t believe that the setting to solve the problem is there.

But I’m constantly feeling him blaming me for it…

He won’t show any initiative in solving it and he believes that if it doesn’t just come natural, then you’re not meant to be together as a couple.

But he’s still stayed in the relationship for nearly 9 years?!

He yells at me and threatens me!

I was the one taking the initiative to do your seminar after he – for once – quietly and calmly had told me that he just couldn’t continue on this way.

Other times he’ll just yell at me, be really angry and he has often just driven away in the car.

I’ve told him that I simply can’t take that seriously, a behavior like that.

But this time I took him seriously and I listened to him and I knew I had to do something…

I searched the internet for answers and I found your web seminar and I instantly thought that you could help us!

Especially because my boyfriend didn’t show great enthusiasm with the thought of sitting across from a couple’s therapist or sexlogist, which was my first thought when I thought of options on how to solve the problem.

Unfortunately, my solution didn’t sit well with him!

So now I’m continuing on, on my own and I hope I can learn something about myself – and I can, for sure.

What you teach makes such good sense to me!

And I’m just so happy knowing that I’m not completely abnormal, but that this problem is quite common and normal.

My partner won’t help me get my sex drive back – what do I doTruely – I am SO happy about your online workshop ”Get your sex drive back”

Just don’t really know how to move on from this and use it in my relationship, because my boyfriend won’t be a part of it and our communication is still terrible.

I completely understand that he is very frustrated and I understand that he might be losing hope – or perhaps he has already lost hope.

Now I’m sitting here thinking that now I’ve finally done something and I’m trying to solve the problem, but I can’t do it on my own.

Perhaps I’m going about it all the wrong way – maybe it’s too late – or perhaps it’s not your seminar which is the solution to this.

I wish I could get some answers because I’m losing the man I want to grow old with and it’s breaking my heart.

Really hope you can help me and give me some advice on what to do next.

With love,
The Frustrated.

 

My partner won’t help me get my sex drive back – What to do?

 

Dear The Frustrated,

First, let me thank you for sending me this e-mail.

And now let me say that it’s a very natural thing that when going through my online workshop you can easily feel frustrated.

This is because you are taught a lot of things which really brings out a lot of thoughts and feelings. And I think that this is definitely what you are experiencing and what you need is for the two of you to solve this as a team.

It is actually one of the things I teach!

If your lack of sex drive stems from problems in your relationship and lack of teamwork, then I certainly don’t blame you for getting angry when your boyfriend chooses not to participate in fixing it.

The online workshop is split into modules and your boyfriend is completely right when he says that the first module teaches basic knowledge about sex drive.

For some people, it might all seem quite basic. However, my impression is actually that for most people who participate in my online workshop it isn’t basic knowledge.

For these people it’s quite an eye-opener to what sex drive really is; how it works and the biological reason as to why we have sex. Of course, it’s nice that your boyfriend is quite knowledgeable on the subject but to be honest with you, his behavior point to the fact that maybe he doesn’t actually know that much about it. I’ll talk about this more later on.

You’ve now listened to module 2 and gone through it all and as you’ve probably noticed, I teach you, that if the sex drive – or the lack of sex drive – is about something which is going on in the relationship, then you solving the problem together is a really good idea.

And, therefore, I completely understand that you get angry.

It’s easy for your boyfriend to say that he in no way wants to help you solve the problem.

He’s basically saying that the problem is yours and yours to deal with.

Perhaps he doesn’t know as much about sex drive as he claims…

If his solution is that the sex drive should just be there naturally, then he should sit down and listen to module 1 again.

If this is really how he feels, then there is clearly something very basic about sex drive that he doesn’t know anything about!

The fact that something happens to the sex drive when you go from the “being-in-love phase” to the established relationship.

And also that the sex drive is very easily affected for many, many people!

Especially if your partner is distancing themselves from you, if they’re yelling at you or even blaming you for a lack of sex drive.

That kind of behavior doesn’t make you want to have sex with your partner.

You might still feel a sex drive, but it won’t increase your lust for sex with your partner.

The behavior he is conducting tells me a little bit about your relationship too.

You’re telling me that generally you have a good relationship – and you probably do. But the way you’re both dealing with this issue worries me.

I understand that it’s such a vulnerable topic when you are lacking sex drive or your sex drive is low.

However, this won’t be the last time you as a couple will be faced with a problem that you’ll need to talk about!

Even if it is hurtful to both of you or you feel vulnerable discussing it.

You simply can’t threaten yourself to a higher sex drive!

You simply can’t threaten yourself to a higher sex drive!

And if you are handling this by him telling you off, blaming you and accusing you and doesn’t want to be part of solving the problem even though he actually is part of the solution, then things get very complicated.

It sounds like a big part of the problem is caused by his behavior.

A great deal of what I teach is about the different factors which play a part when you, individually, want to get back your sex drive.

What is it which makes the sex drive disappear, on an individual level?

I teach this in the workshop, so I recommend you to keep working through it and take a look at the things you can do for yourself.

The relationship and the sex drive

In module 4 we’ll talk about the relationship and the sex drive.

Here I believe that it would be such a good idea if you could even just give him a few pointers to what it’s all about.

For example, if you learn a few things in this workshop, which clearly he has said no to being a part of because he believes it to be your problem alone and yours to fix, then start telling him a bit about what you are learning and what you have discovered about yourself.

Then – hopefully – he will want to listen in on module 4 and perhaps then he will finally realize that he is part of the solution.

Because I really do believe that he is.

I can’t help but wonder if this has always been an issue in your relationship.

Was it like this when you were in love?

Or did you have a higher sex drive at this point?

I also want to say to you that when the sex drive is low or goes away completely, it can be related to so many different things.

a lust for sex with your boyfriend and sex drive in general

This is why it’s incredibly important that you differ between:

A lust for sex with your boyfriend and sex drive in general.

I am suspecting that this is about a lust for sex with your boyfriend.

Because!

When the sex drive becomes such a touchy topic like it is at your place, where he actually tells you off and threatens you because you don’t feel your sex drive, then I can only imagine that you don’t particularly want to be close to him.

I can’t imagine that you, sexually, are feeling that you can be naked with him and feel safe being naked with him.

He has to know this because then he becomes part of the solution and a crucial part of this solution is for him to change how he is behaving.

My best advice to you is to tell him what you are going through.

You might not be able to tell him to his face but then write it down.

Sometimes important things should be written down as well.

It’s okay to send an e-mail every now and then – don’t send him a text message but write him an e-mail or a letter.

This way he can read it in his own time and he can read it again and again without him having to go into defense-mode and start arguing with you or just take off in the car again.

Tell him about your anger!

You have to tell him that you are angry about the fact that he won’t be a part of finding a solution.

Specially now that you’ve actually taken the first step towards it.

You have to tell him that you are hurt and that his way of acting is actually pushing you away from him.

It’s so important that he knows this and that he understands the mechanisms he starts when he behaves like he does.

He does x and y is how you react and the result is z.

Clearly he hasn’t seen these mechanisms yet and this is why you simply have to explain it to him, how it all works. You have to spell it out for him. In neon.

”When you threaten me, when you blame me for my lack of sex drive, then I get really upset. I don’t feel safe and my sex drive decreases even more.”

I think that you should go through the entire workshop.

Listen to the casestory with Louise.

Make the changes you need and the changes which make sense to you when writing your work journal throughout this workshop.

A lot of the exercises are so simple and the same goes for the advice I hand out throughout the entire workshop. If you listen to this, you really have an opportunity to do something about this problem.

Then you will see whether you can make your own personal lust increase and then you can work – together – in making your lust for him increase.

It CAN also be that he doesn’t know that there is a difference between the two things and perhaps you need to open his eyes to the fact that it actually isn’t your sex drive that’s lacking, it’s your lust for him.

If that’s the case, anyway.

Is this the case, it’s important that he is made aware of this for him to have to opportunity to change his behavior before it’s too late.

SO.

Talk to him.

Perhaps write him a letter.

Keep going through the workshop and educate yourself ont his matter.

You simply must not give up!

He might be a coward and back out and keep thinking that this is your problem alone.

And that is the easiest things too.

The problem doing this is just that it doesn’t exactly create a great sense of teamwork in your relationship, if you don’t help each other out. Especially since he is a part of the problem.

It sounds like you’ve created really bad habits as a couple. And this is exactly what module 4 if about – the relationship and the sex drive.

No matter how hard you threaten or how loud you yell, you can’t expect the sex drive to come back that way.

It doesn’t do any good telling someone off either. It’s just not the nature of the sex drive. It just doesn’t work like that. You can tell him, that this my friend is basic knowledge about sex drive.

Maybe he really should go through module 1 again.

I don’t doubt for one second that this man is deeply frustrated and this is of course also why he is reacting like he is. But this doesn’t give him the right to keeo acting like this. Because when he does, he keeps pushing you away.

Don’t give up – educate yourself.

And like you tell me a few times in your e-mail, you learn a lot from my online workshop and this makes me so happy!

So keep at it.

Keep educating yourself on this matter, so you know what buttons to push in order to increase your sex drive. This doesn’t mean that your lust for sex with him will increase – that will be his responsibility.

You can work to increase your personal sex drive – your sex drive in general.

Do that.

And then maybe you can get him to want to participate in the workshop a bit more and then a bit more.

My partner won’t help me get my sex drive back – what do I doIf he’s a decent guy he will appreciate that you are putting in an honest effort to try and solve the problem. Perhaps try and teach him some of the things, which I’ve taught you.

Whatever happens, don’t give up in trying to get back your sex drive. I’m sure you’ll find it.

Look after yourself and good luck!
Hugs from
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationship therapist since 2006

 

 

 Have you been threatened or yelled at because your sex drive was low? Has your partner refused to be a part of solving the problem but you managed to find a way? I’ll love to read your comment 

** Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately; I wish to create a positive and supporting space, where we can help each other. Because of this I have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and negative inputs.

PS: Would you like to read more about my online workshop? You´ll find it here <——-

 

2 Comments

  1. Henrik V Blunck

    Very good reply, Maj.
    Let’s face it: we would be totally out of business if people started to listen to advice in this area.
    A good sex drive is so easy to achieve when you know all the intricacies of our thoughts and actions, and yet so difficult when that fundamental respect for one another is long done gone.
    I fully empathize with this lady’s challenges, and for her husband/boyfriend, his actions will drive her into the arms of another man. Shouting at your partner in frustration is NEVER a road to travel, because irrational behavior is what started the whole mess.

    PS: It is no wonder that dating sites are laughing their asses of all the way to the bank, because – as you say – some people just don’t know nearly as much about sex and love as they think they do. They are therefore regular customers looking for new partners, as they mess up again and again… 🙂

    Reply
  2. Donna Allgaier-Lamberti

    If only I had had this opportunity in my 30’s when my first marriage was on the rocks from “MY” loss of interest in sex with my husband. Obviously I did not have the interpersonal skills to deal with the situation in the way I needed, or wanted to. If only I had known to explain, ”When you threaten me, when you blame me for my lack of sex drive, then I get really upset. I don’t feel safe and my sex drive decreases even more.” Now in hindsight I realize that yes, my sex drive was low in part due to the pain and fatigue of endometriosis/hormonal imbalance and ANY kind of sex hurt badly but on the one week it did not hurt my lack of interest was due to his need to control me, his lack of appreciation of me and his treating me as a HIS “maid” whose job it was to single-handedly take care of him, the house and yard, the painting, shopping, errands ALL chores and the raising of our two sons because he went out to work and made the money and determined how to spend it. (Oh and because he was in the sports field or in the bars most nights with his friends.) It was so much deeper than the pain of my body. It was also due to the pain I experienced in the in-equality of our relationship. Great recommendations, thanks!

    Reply

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