My husband doesn´t want to have sex – what do I do?
Dear Maj,
For about a year now I’ve been considering whether I should sign up to join your Online Workshop “Get Your Sex Drive Back”.
What’s been holding me back is that I’m not missing my sex drive. My husband is and he isn’t interested in participating in the workshop.
My husband doesn´t want to have sex with me and he doesn’t feel a lust for sex.
His lack of sex drive has always been a challenge for us; safe to say, it’s only become more and more of a challenge throughout the years.
We’ve gone from having sex a couple of times a month (after the first feelings of being in love had calmed itself about 10 years ago) to, like today, having sex a couple of times a year.
Until very recently it had been 9 months since we last had sex.
We’ve obviously spoken about this many times over.
Or, I have.
He doesn’t say much and prefers to just get the talk over and done with.
I’ve tried to explain to him that I find it difficult to go without the closeness and intimacy that comes with having sex and that I need this in my life. It’s a closeness and intimacy I’m not getting elsewhere in my life.
I’ve cried and begged and attempted to push my own feelings aside to listen to his needs. It gets us nowhere.
I realize that I play a part in this.
That my behavior and my feelings affect him and his lust. The thing is though, that I don’t know what I can do differently.
I want to give him space to feel whatever he feels and to feel his needs but at the same time, I need to be allowed to feel what my own reality is.
And it bothers me that, on top of everything, I have to show some kind of gratitude when we finally DO have sex.
Because really, it’s come to a point where the act itself upsets me.
It highlights my feeling of not feeling good enough and it boosts my lack of self-worth.
How can I help us to move on?
Can this workshop help me or isn’t this the correct way to go?
Best regards,
Katrine
My husband doesn´t want to have sex– what do I do?
Dear Katrine,
Thank you for you e-mail. First off, I want you to know that there are SO MANY women in your situation; you’re not alone in this.
The thing is, men also lose their sex drive.
From what I’ve experienced it’s more of a taboo for a man to lose his sex drive than it is for a woman to lose her’s. That’s what I hear and see, anyway.
As I see it, the problem isn’t so much that the sex drive goes away or is quite low for a period of time. The problem occurs when one of the people in the relationship is upset about this missing sex drive.
And my mantra is that if someone in a relationship is experiencing a problem, then the relationship has a problem. What I hear you say is that more often than not, you feel very alone with this problem.
You see it as a big issue (like a lot of other people, both men and women, in your situation would).
But your husband seems like he isn’t actually that fussed about finding a solution to this problem or even doing anything to solve it.
And as I see it, that is actually your biggest problem.
That your experience of the situation isn’t taken seriously and that you can’t seem to have a proper and throurough talk about this and how this is actually something that affects you a great deal – and hereby it affects your relationship a great deal too!
And I bet that this is ALSO affecting your husband!
It’s not much fun to be a man who’s lost his sex drive (or a woman for that matter). Really, it isn’t great fun to be in a relationship where your partner is wishing for something you can’t give them.
It’s pretty draining really.
And unless your husband doesn’t care about your emotions and is just cold as ice, then chances are he’s also affected by the situation. Nevertheless, there is something that stops him from participating in having a constructive talk to you about it.
Maybe he’s ashamed?
Maybe he doesn’t care?
Maybe he’s upset?
Maybe he thinks he’s not normal?
Maybe this just isn’t important to him at all?
Maybe he’s actually feeling extremely miserable about this whole thing and has been for the entire duration of this problem?
Of course, we don’t know but perhaps this is something you could start off by asking him?
Voice it to him that you know that this is difficult for him but that you truly need for the two of you to figure out a solution together and to find a way out of this.
Tell him that SO MANY people – both men and women – is fighting a battle with a low sex drive or a missing sex drive.
As the old saying goes: where there’s a will, there’s a way. It does seem though as if he’s lacking some will and why is that? I’m wondering why that is!
If this doesn’t make it easier for you to have a good talk to him about it all, then you need to consider this: when you’re experiencing a problem there is generally 3 things for you to do:
3 things to do:
1) You can try to change to situation.
2) You can try to change what you think of the situation.
3) You can remove yourself from the situation.
It sounds like you’ve tried pretty much everything in your power to tell your husband that this is a huge problem for you and that you don’t wish to live a life without intimacy and without a sexual relationship with him.
I do believe that you need to have a very, very serious talk to him again where you tell him that if he doesn’t wish to work on this problem WITH you, then you will have to seriously reconsider your relationship.
Make sure he’s aware that this is the relationship’s problem and that he’s certainly not in this alone; not when it comes to finding a solution either.
This is a really difficult talk to have – I realize this – and if you believe that you won’t actually reconsider your relationship, then you shouldn’t have this talk.
This is all about honesty!
This is not about threats; they will get you nowhere. This is about being truthful and you have to make sure that you’re being honest too.
There can be so many different reasons to why he’s experiencing a low sex drive and there are a lot of similarities between men and women’s lack of sex drive and there are, of course, also each and everyone’s own individual causes behind the issue.
You’re asking me whether you should join my online workshop “Get Your Sex Drive Back and Keep It For Life” and no, you shouldn’t.
This online workshop is only relevant if your husband has a genuine desire to participate in this workshop with you and by the sounds of it, he’s not too keen on doing just that.
My best advice for you is to:
1) Talk to him about how it can be a frustrating thing to talk about and that you realize that this is difficult for him. Tell him that you can see this in how he acts when you wish to talk about it and then see what happens; you might be able to open up about this entire thing in a whole new way.
2) If not a lot of constructive things start to happen or if you feel that your longing for this isn’t met in one way or the other. Perhaps by him wanting to recognize this problem and by him wanting to be a part of the process actually working on solving the problem, then I do recommend that you ask yourself whether this is how you wish to live for the rest of your life. You’ll also need to tell him that you’re having these thoughts and seriously considering what the right thing for you to do is.
I truly wish that I could just wave my magic wand to help all those men and women who are experiencing a low sex drive and that I could wave a magic wand to help all the partner’s of these men and women with a low sex drive!
However, the fact of the matter is that I can’t do that – as much as I’d love to!
To work on a problem you have to be willing to recognize it.
It’s not until that point that you can start coming up with good ways in which to solve these problems. As a unit, of course.
All the best to both you and your husband.
Love,
Maj Wismann – Sexologist and Couple’s Therapist with own clinic since 2006
★ My partner won´t help me get my sex drive back – What to do? <——-
★ The trust about sex drive <——-
★ The 5 biggest problems in a relationship <——-
★ Have you experienced the same thing as what Katrine is describing? What did you do? What did your partner do? How do you think Katrine should handle this situation? Do you want to share your experience? I’ll love reading your comment and your good advice!
*Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately as I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can help each other. Because of this, I do have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and other negative inputs.
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After about 5-6 years of going nowhere – and trying to talk to him about it – I chose to leave. This is about 5 years ago now. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about whether leaving was the right thing to do. Today we’re all right friends and we have 3 (nearly) grown-up sons together. The time we spend together and how we communicate is very up and down. Life goes on…
I’m a man who knows this particular problem from my own experience, Katrine.
Men often can’t make themselves put words to their problems. I do wish that my lovely wife would find something which could inspire her to consider different things on how to get back to the wonderful relationship and all the sex we all would very much like to have and enjoy each other that way.
I’m no guru on this but I have been thinking about it a lot and unfortunately, I see that my wife and I are stuck (in a rut) despite both of us loving each other’s company. We can talk about everything and often do but when it comes to the confrontation on this matter I must admit, I’m not very chatty.
Women seem to overrule men in talks as sensitive as something like this is. I do think that the problem occurs because women are much more “in power” in the relationship and men should be more of a Stoneage man; the strong guy. Women today know so much about the daily life of the family and therefor just makes the decisions! Men and women’s roles are kind of reversed!
And then the man no longer feels much like a man. And then some women also have manly haircuts, which only emphasises the idea of her taking over the role as the main “protector” of the family.
She rarely wears her dresses and skirts and her femininity fades away and that sort of makes it hard to decide a place for the two sexes roles in the relationship.
I sometimes even see the missus as a mother figure and who the f…. can have a sex drive when you don’t (at all) meet the same woman you met when you were young.
Someone lovely and interesting and feminin and who has other (female) interests in her everyday life. I believe that there’s a need for the man and the woman to take care of different things – for them not to overlap – and to remember to be a woman or to be a man. Let him have his things that he’s an expert on and really try to keep a nice body.
Maybe do this together so none of you finds the other one disgusting in bed. Not my wife nor myself have a BMI under 25 (unfortunately) and that’s why the sex the man has is only right handed (not showing a lot of commitment) and not having to be confronted with reality and the limitations and the curses obesity does bring with it.
I sincerely hope that someone out found my thoughts useful and can use them constructively in their relationship.
Hi there.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years and for the last 4 years it’s been pretty much the same.
I’ve often asked him – why?
And I’ve received almost as many answers. Our age: 55 and 57 and his work situation: was laid off 3 years ago but found something else quite quickly. Sometimes a bad mood around the house about it.
He was diagnosed with diabetes a couple of years ago and I realize that this could have an impact. He’d rather do it himself – he tells me it requires less “commitment” from his side.
So here I am with all this love that I haven’t got anywhere to send it to. And a need I’m not having met. It makes me feel frustrated, upset and ashamed that I’m not good enough to make love to.
To be fair, other than that, we are good together.
Regards, Birthe.
I can’t give you any good advice as such.
I’m pretty much in the same situation but I do catch him on good days too. Other times I surprise him in the shower or in the middle of the night.
Try this or try ignoring your own lust. If he doesn’t feel your lust, he’ll come to you one day wanting you. the last thing is really hard to do when you’re turned on by your partner but it can be necessary to try. It did help a bit in my case.
If one person doesn’t feel their lust I see it as being about the relationship between the two people.
After that, I find it to be about a game between the two partners. As men and women we can build a wall around ourselves when we our lust isn’t met.
To share intimacy and closeness is a core element in any relationship. Personally I find my sex drive to disappear when there are too many things that aren’t how they should be.
The more I distance myself from my husband, the less lust there is for him. This doesn’t mean that the lust is gone. The lust shows itself in a different relationship where I’m met as who I am.
There are a lot of tantric masseurs out there today. How many women and men think about the partner behind this masseur?
How many think of the woman in a relationship with a man who meets women in intimacy, closeness and attention and when he then gets home he’s spent. Expect for when the lust dominates, then his own woman can be used.
The feeling of being used over being moved and given attention can also affect your lust and your relationship. If one person in the relationship is constantly struggling to be be felt and doesn’t find this with their partner, then openness and trust disappears and we feel lonely together in each our perceptions of the world….
Loving thoughts and reflections from Kirsten.
I have tried living in a relationship like that and you have to realize one thing: there’s no different to being a room-mate in a shared commune house to being in a relationship where the excuses of having sex takes up more room than actually just having sex.
A big sinner in this is our (dream) picture of how a family should be. When there are different needs the partner who doesn’t have the same lust should open up their marriage in order to let the partner with the bigger sex drive, have their needs met.
This is love: to set each other free rather than like some people think “if I don’t want to then he/she shouldn’t have sex either”.
We have to break these jealousy patterns and be adults when we’re dealing with an actual problem. That’s what I think.
For nearly four years now I’ve found it very liberating to see like this after leaving my marriage. A marriage that gave me three wonderful children but other than that it was a waste of energy because that was all spent on stuff that just didn’t work…
I’ve lived like that for 14 years…
The first 4 years we had the most amazing sex life…
Then things started to deteriorate…. I tried everything… And I really mean: everything….
Expect threats…
Often I’d try talking about it….
What could we do to get things started… A one-way communication…
I chose to accept that was how things were…
It was the toughest decision ever, I really loved him. One day I way told he’d found someone else…. And looking back I now see that for all those years he’s had someone else….
It was just me he didn’t want… He just needed “a safe base”… I’ve moved on but I’ll never understand what happened.
It’s completely fine to have different needs and a different sex drive – right?
Just like the woman is in her full right to say no, so is the man, isn’t he?
And I’m sure he has his reasons (reasons that aren’t necessarily about you)? It sounds like a difficult situation you’re in where both your sex drive’s are affected.
What comes to mind is that it’s relevant for you to look at your feelings of not being good enough and your low self-worth.
I don’t think it’s so much a talk about the lacking sex drive (right now, your husband’s sex drive is what it is), it’s more a talk about what the lack of intimacy is actually doing to you and what consequences this has to your relationship.
Also talk about how you can get back the closeness and intimacy you’re missing (sex might not be the first step).
How do you take a shared responsibility to get back the intimacy and the joy of being with one another?
You shouldn’t feel like you should be grateful or owe him something after sex. Sex and intimacy is a shared responsibility.
Perhaps he’s also longing for the intimacy without feeling pressured, blamed or not enough. I think that a talk to a couple’s therapist or a sexologist could be a way for the two of you to take on a shared responsibility.
To go see a professional could possibly be a way to have the talk on neutral grounds and it could help you brake the pattern of you being the one who does the talking and him being quiet.
I think that there’s a need to break this “opponent” dynamic between the two of you for both of your needs to be heard. Until you open up to each other and have a constructive talk, buying a vibrator might be good for you.
A regular massage could also help you satisfy the need for skin-to-skin contact and give you a feeling of wellness.
Good luck.
Laura
I’m going through the same thing as Katrine. We’ve “only” been together for 1,5 years.
To begin with he wanted me pretty much every day but when we then chose to have an abortion I think this was the reason why his sex drive decreased enormously.
I had a hormone spiral put in the same time I had the abortion, so I started thinking more and more about what could cause his sex drive to decrease.
There’s no doubt that we’ve had our challenges and some bad things happen in our relationship but we’re still pulling through.
I had the talk to him about his missing sex drive and he told me that he does have a lower sex drive than me and that it’s probably because I’m from a different generation?
There are 9 years between us.
It’s still a problem for me and I have to admit that I see the age difference as the “problem”. I’ve previously been with people older than me and it was almost as if their sex drive was higher than mine.
We’ve had some fights about sex and his answer has been that I’ve been too jealous or too angry. Pretty hard not to be angry when he’s let me down (in regards to an ex-girlfriend) and back then we obviously weren’t on the same page when it came to honesty.
I would like to know if a woman who once wanted him is writing to him and today he understands that. I simply told him that he shouldn’t expect me to be honest if he’s not being honest with me.
So what’s the reason to the missing sex drive?
Well, it’s not my weight. Even though I believe I have a bit too much on my hips, he still thinks I’m beautiful and lovely just the way I am. And I’m fighting a tough battle getting my body back to my pre-baby self after giving birth to my son in 2011.
This isn’t easy to do having been involved in a car accident and suffering from a whip-lash. I’m still trying to figure out what his missing sex drive is all about. Other than that we have a great relationship.
We’re much better at communicating and we often miss each other as we’re in an off-shore relationship. I only see benefits to this (everyone really ought to try it out).
It’s certainly tested my trust in him and it works! It’s like BEING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN EVERY TIME he comes home! So unfortunately I can’t give you any advice, Katrine other than try to have a serious talk to him!
You have a great site – loads of brilliant advice on stuff people don’t seem to talk about all that much.
Hi Bec
Thank you so much <3
Love,
Maj
I’m experiencing the same thing as Kathrine: a partner who doesn’t want to talk about things and just changes the subject, whenever I bring it up. We’ve only known each other for about 1 year but after only 1 month things started to really “cool down”.
He’s told me that it’s not me nor my body but that he just doesn’t feel like it and he’s not sure why that is. I’ve asked whether he’d see a sexologist but he doesn’t want to do anything. I’m so close to just throwing in the towel because it’s really just wearing me down. It makes me angry and upset and I take turns hating him and caring very deeply about him.
Is this worth fighting for?
I should probably packmy bags. I am 37 years-old and I so want to find a man who can love me and make love to me; make me feel attractive and inviting.
I’d love to start a family too which isn’t a possibility with this particular man – he doesn’t even want to move in together (but that’s a whole different story). The main problem in my life is his missing sex drive though and his mood-swings too. Is there a connection? It’s not easy to walk away, especially not when I also see a lot of other good qualities in him but I guess it’s better to be alone than to feel lonely with someone else.
/J
Hi there,
It’s not like I have much advice to give. I’m questioning my own marriage too.
We’ve been together for nearly 30 years now – since we were very young. Our children are all grown up and we even have a grandchild. I’m 45 years of age and my husband is a couple of years my senior.
I love my husband more than anything in the world. He’s an amazing man and he’s so loving. Unfortunately, for the last 5 years we’ve had some problems with our sex life. My husband’s sex drive is very low. As you have suggested, I’ve tried to get him to talk to me about this but his standard reply is “I don’t know.”
I’m starting to feel like I’ve tried everything.
In the beginning, when I initiated sex he’d say “I can’t be bothered” and in the end I couldn’t get myself to actually ask for sex. We’ve spoken about this and it hasn’t helped at all… It’s been 5 years of this now where we’ve only had sex when he’s felt like it (I always feel like it and you take what you get…).
I’m devastated.
I feel worth less and less, I don’t feel very attractive, I feel worn down and broken. I’ve asked him if there’s something wrong with me and when we finally do have sex I keep thinking about whether I’m doing something wrong…
I know that I either have to accept things as they are or I’ll have to leave. But I can’t leave this man who I love so dearly and I know he loves me too.
But I also realize that this is very hard for me. I feel broken and worn down and when things are at their worst, I think about leaving this Earth. I miss the security sex gives and I miss the intimacy and the tenderness that’s a part of sex too.
In our daily life he doesn’t forget about me at all, I get lots of hugs and kisses and I don’t doubt that he loves me. But is that enough? Why doesn’t he desire me?
Am I not good enough?
Am I too fat?
Etc., etc.
All these thoughts run on repeat and sometimes I even think that it’d be easier not to have sex at all. When it’s been a long time, like this, I feel my sex drive decrease. And when it’s all hidden away, it all starts up again.
And here I am with the same issue. Everyone has said all the same things that are happening to me so I will not repeat. And I have done everything too, I am not willing to leave, he is wonderful outside the bedroom but…
He is getting his testosterone checked next week and he found a work out and diet to raise testosterone levels but has not stuck with it. I continue to feed him the foods they recommend but he will not do the work out. I know he doesn’t feel good about himself, thinks he isn’t sexy, feels fat, feels like a poor provider due to money issues, etc. Those are all his issues though and do not change what is happening. He continues to choose to not do anything. Very frustrating.
As for me? I have learned a lot about loving myself, not just physically but emotionally, psychologically and more. The insecure monster visits, it’s here right now, but taking care of me is what really matters. So I have stopped looking to him to solve my feelings of inadequacy and work on what makes me feel good.
On the other hand, it is still a big problem in our relationship. We lack intimacy, we lack connection on the deepest level. It is hurting us. I would die happy if he would just kiss me like he means it. I don’t know if it’s irreparable or not. For now? I take care of me, lots of masturbation especially when I feel bad about me and therapy and coaching.
We make plans for the future, the kids are about grown, last year of high school for the youngest one. We have shared dreams of a future we both want to live in but if the present stays this way I know I don’t want to live in that future with him.
Maj, love your site. Thanks for posting this. It’s such a touchy subject and so hard to “fix”. It does help to know you’re not alone.