My husband doesn´t want to have sex – what do I do?
For about a year now I’ve been considering whether I should sign up to join your Online Workshop “Get Your Sex Drive Back”.
What’s been holding me back is that I’m not missing my sex drive. My husband is and he isn’t interested in participating in the workshop.
My husband doesn´t want to have sex with me and he doesn’t feel a lust for sex.
His lack of sex drive has always been a challenge for us; safe to say, it’s only become more and more of a challenge throughout the years.
We’ve gone from having sex a couple of times a month (after the first feelings of being in love had calmed itself about 10 years ago) to, like today, having sex a couple of times a year.
Until very recently it had been 9 months since we last had sex.
We’ve obviously spoken about this many times over.
Or, I have.
He doesn’t say much and prefers to just get the talk over and done with.
I’ve tried to explain to him that I find it difficult to go without the closeness and intimacy that comes with having sex and that I need this in my life. It’s a closeness and intimacy I’m not getting elsewhere in my life.
I’ve cried and begged and attempted to push my own feelings aside to listen to his needs. It gets us nowhere.
I realize that I play a part in this.
That my behavior and my feelings affect him and his lust. The thing is though, that I don’t know what I can do differently.
I want to give him space to feel whatever he feels and to feel his needs but at the same time, I need to be allowed to feel what my own reality is.
And it bothers me that, on top of everything, I have to show some kind of gratitude when we finally DO have sex.
Because really, it’s come to a point where the act itself upsets me.
It highlights my feeling of not feeling good enough and it boosts my lack of self-worth.
How can I help us to move on?
Can this workshop help me or isn’t this the correct way to go?
My husband doesn´t want to have sex– what do I do?
Thank you for you e-mail. First off, I want you to know that there are SO MANY women in your situation; you’re not alone in this.
The thing is, men also lose their sex drive.
From what I’ve experienced it’s more of a taboo for a man to lose his sex drive than it is for a woman to lose her’s. That’s what I hear and see, anyway.
As I see it, the problem isn’t so much that the sex drive goes away or is quite low for a period of time. The problem occurs when one of the people in the relationship is upset about this missing sex drive.
And my mantra is that if someone in a relationship is experiencing a problem, then the relationship has a problem. What I hear you say is that more often than not, you feel very alone with this problem.
You see it as a big issue (like a lot of other people, both men and women, in your situation would).
But your husband seems like he isn’t actually that fussed about finding a solution to this problem or even doing anything to solve it.
And as I see it, that is actually your biggest problem.
That your experience of the situation isn’t taken seriously and that you can’t seem to have a proper and throurough talk about this and how this is actually something that affects you a great deal – and hereby it affects your relationship a great deal too!
And I bet that this is ALSO affecting your husband!
It’s not much fun to be a man who’s lost his sex drive (or a woman for that matter). Really, it isn’t great fun to be in a relationship where your partner is wishing for something you can’t give them.
It’s pretty draining really.
And unless your husband doesn’t care about your emotions and is just cold as ice, then chances are he’s also affected by the situation. Nevertheless, there is something that stops him from participating in having a constructive talk to you about it.
Maybe he’s ashamed?
Maybe he doesn’t care?
Maybe he’s upset?
Maybe he thinks he’s not normal?
Maybe this just isn’t important to him at all?
Maybe he’s actually feeling extremely miserable about this whole thing and has been for the entire duration of this problem?
Of course, we don’t know but perhaps this is something you could start off by asking him?
Voice it to him that you know that this is difficult for him but that you truly need for the two of you to figure out a solution together and to find a way out of this.
Tell him that SO MANY people – both men and women – is fighting a battle with a low sex drive or a missing sex drive.
As the old saying goes: where there’s a will, there’s a way. It does seem though as if he’s lacking some will and why is that? I’m wondering why that is!
If this doesn’t make it easier for you to have a good talk to him about it all, then you need to consider this: when you’re experiencing a problem there is generally 3 things for you to do:
3 things to do:
1) You can try to change to situation.
2) You can try to change what you think of the situation.
3) You can remove yourself from the situation.
It sounds like you’ve tried pretty much everything in your power to tell your husband that this is a huge problem for you and that you don’t wish to live a life without intimacy and without a sexual relationship with him.
I do believe that you need to have a very, very serious talk to him again where you tell him that if he doesn’t wish to work on this problem WITH you, then you will have to seriously reconsider your relationship.
Make sure he’s aware that this is the relationship’s problem and that he’s certainly not in this alone; not when it comes to finding a solution either.
This is a really difficult talk to have – I realize this – and if you believe that you won’t actually reconsider your relationship, then you shouldn’t have this talk.
This is all about honesty!
This is not about threats; they will get you nowhere. This is about being truthful and you have to make sure that you’re being honest too.
There can be so many different reasons to why he’s experiencing a low sex drive and there are a lot of similarities between men and women’s lack of sex drive and there are, of course, also each and everyone’s own individual causes behind the issue.
You’re asking me whether you should join my online workshop “Get Your Sex Drive Back and Keep It For Life” and no, you shouldn’t.
This online workshop is only relevant if your husband has a genuine desire to participate in this workshop with you and by the sounds of it, he’s not too keen on doing just that.
My best advice for you is to:
1) Talk to him about how it can be a frustrating thing to talk about and that you realize that this is difficult for him. Tell him that you can see this in how he acts when you wish to talk about it and then see what happens; you might be able to open up about this entire thing in a whole new way.
2) If not a lot of constructive things start to happen or if you feel that your longing for this isn’t met in one way or the other. Perhaps by him wanting to recognize this problem and by him wanting to be a part of the process actually working on solving the problem, then I do recommend that you ask yourself whether this is how you wish to live for the rest of your life. You’ll also need to tell him that you’re having these thoughts and seriously considering what the right thing for you to do is.
I truly wish that I could just wave my magic wand to help all those men and women who are experiencing a low sex drive and that I could wave a magic wand to help all the partner’s of these men and women with a low sex drive!
However, the fact of the matter is that I can’t do that – as much as I’d love to!
To work on a problem you have to be willing to recognize it.
It’s not until that point that you can start coming up with good ways in which to solve these problems. As a unit, of course.
All the best to both you and your husband.
Maj Wismann – Sexologist and Couple’s Therapist with own clinic since 2006
★ Have you experienced the same thing as what Katrine is describing? What did you do? What did your partner do? How do you think Katrine should handle this situation? Do you want to share your experience? I’ll love reading your comment and your good advice!
*Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately as I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can help each other. Because of this, I do have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and other negative inputs.