Q&A: My boyfriend is extremely jealous over our 4 month old son

Hi Maj,

We're a small new family. We recently had a beautiful baby boy who is now 4 months.

My boyfriend is extremely jealous of our son even though he of course loves him very much.

I really don't like it and he feels very guilty about feeling the way he does.

What can we do?

Best,
Trinny

 

My boyfriend is extremely jealous...

 

Dear Trinny,

Congratulations on your little boy.

How wonderful for you ♥

Jealousy in a new family is quite common, but not something we talk a lot about...

When a little one arrives into the world, it upends the usual family roles.

Before your son was born, I'm sure your lovely boyfriend got all your love and attention and now you're madly in love with a new little man.

And of course you are!

Boyfriend is extremely jealous

Talk with him...

First of all I´ll recommend you to talk with your boyfriend about what his thoughts are on the subject.

Talk to him at a time when he is NOT extremely jealous or in a bad mood.

Try to see if you two can figure out what is going on in his mind when the extreme jealosy "hits him".

The thing about being extremely jealous is that it is SO taboo.

And also very, very shamefull to experience.

Especially when it is towards a little innocent child.

So I can imagine how bad your boyfriend must be feeling when it hits him and also afterwards.

Remember that feelings like that is best handled when you work as a team.

Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking: "Well I wanna go completely nuts today and wauw maybe I´ll try to be extremely jealous just for fun."

No.

This is really a shamefull experience, and I bet that he already is so not proud about this...

So first of all assure him about that this is something you are two about getting through. As a team. Together.

Then make a plan with him!

What to do when it gets really bad inside of him.

What does he need in that situation?

Can he ask you for a hug?

Could it be, that he tells you that "It is going on inside of me right now"?

The importen thing is, that he and you are dealing with it in a way that is constructive.

Extremely jealousy is a big taboo

Being is extremely jealous is actually more normal than we think...

But because it is not something we talk openly about, most people just go with it alone.

And you know what?

That is exactly what makes the jealousy grow...

The more we can talk about it, deal with it, be honest about when it "pops up" - the better chances are, that it will not destroy anything.

You can also talk about what situations it "pops up".

Jealousy actualy have a pattern...

You can read more about it in this guide:

Does your jealousy have a pattern? <---

One thing you can do on your own is to highlight one thing about your boyfriend everyday and tell it to him.

Maybe you enjoyed looking at him playing with the baby - well... tell him!

Perhaps he helped you out with something important - well... tell him!

Maybe you were daydreaming one day about how it was when you first meet and how handsome he was and is - well... tell him!

You get the point ;-)

Try making one statement, thankfullness etc. every day for a month and see if it made any changes in him and the jealousy.

Sometimes being is extremely jealous is about self confidence

Maybe your boyfriend isn't feeling confident in himself and is afraid to be left behind in all the "baby-energy".

Many men don't find the little ones very interesting because they can't really "do anything" with them yet - and because of that "can´t really do anything"-thought, they do not involve so much with the baby...

But...

When they do not involve so much they don´t see all the thing where they "CAN do something" with the baby...

And then they end up standing next to the mother and "looking" at the baby but not interacting with the little sweetie.

So maybe it could be a good idea to include him more in taking care of the baby.

Maybe he can take him for a walk in the baby carriage while you take a long bath.

Maybe he can hold him for his burps, clothe him, bathe him and so on.

This will keep things from becoming too much about the mother/baby dynamic, leaving daddy completely on the sideline, making him feel like nothing more than the sperm donor, who is no longer needed (as many men has entrusted me in my many years of clinical work)

Most men love doing something concrete, especially something that makes their girlfriend happy.

This is one of their ways of declaring their love.

So ask him for that and you'll see how his insecurity slowly disappears as he gets a bigger and bigger role in your new family instead of "just" being the sour one.

Maj Wismann about extremely jealous boyfriendTell him that you need him in your life and ask him for favors so that you can get more energy to be the girlfriend you ALSO are.

Then you can enjoy your boyfriend in his role as a father too.

Love,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationthip therapist with own clinic since 2006 - Read more about Maj here <---

 

 

 

Read more about jealousy and relationship here:

► Guide: Does your jealousy have a pattern? ←

► Guide: How to get rid of your jealousy 

►Q&A: My boyfriend is jealous of my past ←

 

Wanna help?

*** Have you tried anything like this young woman asking for help to her extremely jealous boyfriend? Have you experienced your partner acting out in extremely jealousy and how did you handle it? Please share your experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.

Please do remember that jealousy and relationship issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.

1 Comment

  1. Henrik V Blunck

    Very good advice, Maj. 🙂
    I think it is important to de-tabooize the topic because children are born all over the planet every single day, and for some it does cause the entire love-setting to change. It is only natural, and indeed if we had examined the different types of love, we would all be more aware that these aren’t secluded boxes.
    There is a difference between family love (filia in greek) and partner/erotic love (eros) – and the balance isn’t 50-50. Energies are fluent, and the more we confirm each other with positive energy, the more we will be confident within the relationship.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the reply to Trinny.

    Reply

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