Men`s feelings. I Kid You Not, Men Have Lots Of Feelings and Thoughts To
I kid you not, they have feelings too…
► Do you sometimes wonder whether your husband/partner has as many feelings as you do?
► Do you wonder why you have such a strong need to talk about feelings and he seems not to have this need at all?
Don’t let yourself be fooled!
He has LOTS of feelings, emotions and thoughts but whether he chooses to show them to you, that’s a whole other thing.
“It seems as if you think I can’t get hurt”.
He says this to her as he first looks down and then after a little while looks to her.
“You talk to me like I can’t get upset or feel sorrow”.
She’s dead quiet.
Maybe… for the first time in many years.
Let´s him finish.
Helps him create a safe space where he can be heard as well.
A space they haven’t managed to create at home.
She contacted me.
She missed “feeling him”; his presence, his interest, his initiative, his way of looking at life, things, her ideas etc.
This is how she described it to me when we were in contact before they began couple’s counselling, just as so many women before her have described it.
He was cooperative, as always, and agreed to participate.
Whatever made her happy.
“I often try to talk to you – well, I used to. Now I can’t even be bothered trying anymore. You completely take over our conversations, dominate them, interrupt me and act like my opinion and my feelings don’t count for anything.”
He kept going…
“It honestly seems like you don’t really care about how I feel, and it’s almost as if you don’t think I’m affected by anything at all.”
She was sitting there, white as a ghost.
The truth hurts.
For the first few minutes of couple’s therapy, anyway.
“I didn’t think you had that many feelings and thoughts…” she said quietly.
“I’m so sorry.”
This is the beginning of a new journey in their relationship.
A journey where their feelings, emotions and experiences count for something, and a journey where they’re both respected.
Mutually, of course.
This case is, of course, made up.
It’s still very true though.
I’ve witnessed this play out countless times before.
The entire time I’ve had a clinic, I’ve had women here thinking their husband’s have less feelings, emotions and less thoughts than what they have.
– Sometimes the women don’t think their husbands have any emotions at all!
It certainly makes matters even worse that more and more “pop sexologists/relationship-guru´s books on love” advocate how men “should not show any sign of weakness” or vulnerability and should always be the strong person – THE strongest in the relationship – , otherwise their woman won’t be turned on by them sexually.
What a load of B.S on men`s feelings!
I once read a statement from a sexologist.
It went like this: “Who wants to fuck a man who’s upset or sad – there’s sure as hell no one who’ll find that sexy!”
But should you really fuck and experience arousal and sexual desire in a situation like that?
Perhaps, what we really need is to allow everything it´s own time and its own space.
Give sex it´s own space and give feelings, thoughts and experience-sharing their own space.
It’s detrimental to relationships – romantic and unromantic – and a good sex life, if you need to walk around hiding certain parts of yourself and even feel ashamed, thinking these parts of you are abnormal or wrong.
It’s as if men should be people without emotions; always the strong type who’ll handle anything that’s thrown at him.
It’s a peculiar belief…
And it seems to have spread into society – like wildfire – and I’m definitely not the only one who’s noticed.
A lot of my colleagues are noticing this as well and we discuss this a lot, since the result of this misconception is, that the man often ends up with us.
The relationship therapists.
My experience tells me that men are just as nuanced as women are when it comes to feelings, emotions and thoughts.
They just don’t talk about it as much.
Some don’t talk about it, because they don’t know how to.
Others don’t because of how they’ll feel shut down every time they try or they might feel rejected or looked down upon.
This is what the men tells me.
Finally, they give up and just think: “It’ll work out anyway, even if I don’t share. I do love her.”
If you’re to talk about something vulnerable, it’s nice to create a “safe space” – especially if you’re new to this sharing-thing.
And you might prefer to start out by talking to someone you feel safe with and who won’t judge you or your thoughts and feelings.
A partner who won’t interrupt you or suddenly start talking about them self.
As with anywhere else, common conversation decency applies here too.
The problems become quite evident when the “silent” men’s sexuality or psyche is what takes a hit.
They’re simply not used to talking about feelings or their sexuality and this is such a vulnerable topic, which may make them react quite forcefully.
These problems can easily have been building up for years without anyone reacting to them at all.
More often than not, these men have been alone with a missing sex drive or other sexual difficulties for years.
It often takes for their partner to seek help from a doctor, a couple’s therapist, sexologist or sex therapist.
I believe this to be terrifying.
And it speaks volumes, doesn’t it?
It’s not about learning how to talk about feelings for hours on end.
This is about you, as a man, insisting on the relationship creating the space for all of you as well.
As you respect your own inner life you’ll take responsibility for it and act on it whenever sometimes is actually not right.
Don’t keep it all bottled up inside for years, thinking “it’ll probably pass.”
Maj’s tip about getting access to men’s feelings:
If you’re a man:
Talking about your inner life and world is something you need to train – flex that self-awareness muscle.
Remember, practise makes perfect and a little bit truly goes a long way.
If you’re a woman:
If your husband (or partner) isn’t opening up to you, you might want to consider whether there’s something in your behaviour that’s making him/her not want to share things with you.
You can even ask him if there’s anything you can do to get him to open up to you.
Be safe ❤
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationship therapist with own clinic since 2006 – Read more about Maj here <—
What is your experience with men, men´s feelings and men´s inner world? Have you experienced that your partner did not wanted to join the conversation? Please feel free to leave a comment and share your experiences with us. ALSO, this is such a sensitive subject so please be sensible enough to word whatever you write positively, be nice and show consideration. Thank you ❤
** Please remember to keep a nice tone, ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately; I wish to create a positive and supporting space, where we can help each other and because of this I have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and negative inputs.
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