Low libido in young women – 7 common causes + What you can do
A low libido in young women – is that really possible?
I was asked this question recently being interviewed for an American podcast. My answer to this question certainly surprised the interviewer.
Because…
Yes, young women can definitely have a low libido.
I’ll even go as far as saying that a low libido in young women is a lot more common than what most people tend to believe!
Unfortunately, I don’t have any actual numbers to share; I simply haven’t been able to find any statistics made in the last 20-50 years, showing the development of young women’s libido.
Every month I receive more and more enquiries from young women experiencing a low libido.
A lot of these are sent to me by mail/social media. Also, I do see an increasingly large number of young participants in my big online workshop “Get your libido back and keep it for life”.
Does this sound like you?
Then please read on…
If you’re experiencing a low libido (or one that’s completely gone), you need to know that you’re not alone.
As I said, this is way more normal than most people tend to think.
It’s just not exactly something we talk about that much. My impression is also that there’s this expectation that young people (should) always have a high libido.
Yep, ‘round the clock pretty much.
Just like there’s this expectation of your libido going through the roof when you’re in love.
Or if you’re a guy, you think about sex x amount of times every minute of every day.
These are the types of “false facts” that make things really difficult and makes you feel like you’re all wrong and different to everyone else, whenever you go through a period of time with your libido being lower than usual.
But…
You need to know one thing:
There is ALWAYS – and yes, I mean ALWAYS – very logical explanations to why your libido has gone M.I.A., is low (or high, for that matter), regardless of your age.
Whether your libido is high, low or completely gone depends on a whole range of factors.
Basically, you could say that your libido is symptom of “something else” in your life.
So whether it’s high or low is determined by certain factors. You can even think about your libido as you think about your experience of feeling tired.
Fatigue is a symptom of whether you:
- Sleep for a sufficient number of hours
- Get good quality sleep when you actually are sleeping
- Are really busy at work and is feeling under pressure or stressed even, for a period of time
- Keep an eye on your blood sugar levels throughout the day to ensure your energy levels are stable and don’t plummet
- Illness will also affect your energy level
- And so many other factors
Do you see the logic behind this?
Wuhu!
So – just like you can suss it out in regards to fatigue, you can do the same thing with your libido. Doing this is such an important thing for you to do; as soon as you’ve identified what are causing problems, you can start to solve it.
Below here I have listed 7 of the most common reasons to why young women (18-30 years of age) experience a lacking libido. I’ve also spoken to several experts to get their weigh-in on this and their best advice on what you can do.
This isn’t a QuickFix guide or a guide you can just skim through.
It is a long, very in-depth guide.
I’ve made it this way because I want to help you and the best way to do this is to be thorough.
You’re more than welcome to leave a comment (you can choose to be anonymous) below and share your own experiences.
Enjoy,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with own clinic since 2006.
Low libido in young women – 7 common causes
1) Are you tired?
Sleep – or the lack of sleep really – is such a libido killer. One of the big ones too! You might be shaking your head, thinking: “Maj Wismann, you’re crazy saying things like that!” but just hear me out.
When you sleep, your body rejuvenates.
It’s when you sleep that your body recharges, clears toxins, rejuvenates and regenerates.
“You can sleep when you’re old” is phrase I’m sure you’ve heard a million times before but don’t listen to it. What you need to listen to is your own body.
Let me explain.
You body is very wise and the more you listen AND respect your body, its needs and what it’s trying tell you as well, the more cooperation it’ll show and – ultimately – give you what you want.
It’s okay for you to have a few days of feeling tired and not getting enough sleep!
What’s important is that you get back into your old (good!) habits.
Studies show that about 25% of the 18-29 year-olds don’t sleep enough.
19% also confirmed that they sleep an average of 6 hours a night
5% sleep only 0-5 hours a day!
Shit.
Studies continue to show that there is a correlation between a lack of sleep and serious diseases.
Also, it’s significantly more likely that you’ll feel depressed if you aren’t getting a sufficient amount of sleep. This happens because a lack of sleep makes it difficult to think clearly and keep any negative thoughts at bay.
Anna Bogdanova
– Danish specialist in physical process of c
hange & also the woman behind two bestselling danish books says:
“A lack of sleep/general sleep deprivation over a longer period of time can cause a messy relationship between your resource hormone DHEA and the stress hormone Cortisol.
DHEA is the pre-stage of all of our sex hormones, however, a lack of sleep and being overworked can cause you to produce stress-hormones instead.
Which obviously affect your libido.”
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What to do next:
Are you one of the many people out there who don’t get enough sleep? Then there’s really only one thing to do: start going to bed a bit earlier. That’s all there is to it really. After the first week you’ll feel a boost of surplus energy. And after only a couple of week you’ll see that your libido starts to come back.
2) Are you feeling stressed?
As a natural consequence of a lack of sleep, we’ll now talk about stress. When I was doing my Basis Year of my Clinical Sexologist Course I wrote my final paper on stress and sexuality.
I was VERY surprised with what I found!
If you’re experiencing stress symptoms a bit too often – or if you’ve considered yourself to feel stressed within the last 24 hours – you might want to hear this.
A new report on “children and young people’s mental health” showed – terrifyingly – that the number of young men and women suffering from anxiety, depression and stress has never been higher. This study also showed that the number of young women (16-24 years of age) feeling stressed ‘often’ has doubled (!!) since the 2005-2013 period.
So…
If you’re a bit busy for a short period of time this will rarely turn into a problem.
However, if you start to experience actual stress – or symptoms of stress – over a longer period of time, you need to be aware that this can cause a funk in your libido.
This is due to a number of things, just as Anna Bogdanova mentions.
Also, the male sex hormone testosterone plays an important part in a woman’s libido. Despite the fact that women compared to men – on average – have only 1/10 of this hormone.
Basically, when we’re actually stressed and we know that we really ought to call in sick, our body is in full swing producing cortisol.
Cortisol is the stress hormone we produce when we go from being busy to being stressed.
Stress hormones steal the building blocks for your libido!
Cortisol and testosterone is made from the same building blocks and the body actually determines that cortisol is more important. This is one of the reasons that men and women might sometimes find that their libido goes away completely if they’re going through a particularly busy period of time.
Another reason that your libido might be affected during a stress time is that stress happens in your brain on thought level, and these thoughts are what make your body go into high gear. Your very wise body is – really – just cooperating with you and give you a response to these thoughts, you more or less consciously have.
When you body goes into high gear and the engine is super hot, it can be really difficult to “cool off” just by going to bed.
This basically means that your body is still in “fight mode” when you go to bed and in this state, it’s near on impossible for most people to feel their libido. It just doesn’t make any logical sense for your body to procreate or go into “pleasure-kissing-cuddling-mode” when it worries that it’s about to fight danger or solve an important task.
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What to do next:
If you’re feeling stressed and is missing your libido, you then need to find a way to bring your stress levels down. There are a lot of ways for you to do this. Some people enjoy meditating. Others prefer yoga. Some go see a psychologist or a therapist to help “control their thoughts”. Other go on sick-leave from work and really wind things down for a longer period of time. Some people change jobs or do part-time instead. Others go to bed an hour earlier than they normally would in order to cope with the days a bit better.
One thing is certain: make a plan and stick to it. Figure out what stresses you and start dealing with these issues, while at the same time you allow your body time to rejuvenate. If you do these things, you’ll be back to your happy self in no time.
3) How are you – really?
The study mentioned in section 2 showed us that a lot of young women aren’t actually feeling very well.
Also, a large number of young women battle a low self-esteem and a low self-confidence; they constantly worry that they’re not good enough or they can’t do “this thing” well enough. These thoughts of insecurity can drive anyone to the point of madness!
It’s quite tricky to change anything, if there’s a constant voice in your head focusing on whether you’re good enough or not.
This is regardless of whether you’re hanging out with your girlfriends, going for a horseback ride; go shopping or is having sex with your boyfriend.
If your mind is overworked and you have this fundamental feeling of not feeling good enough, this will affect your lust for wanting to sleep with your partner.
And if you’re in there anyway, feeling insecure and don’t feel hot enough or attractive enough or sexy enough or ‘fill-in-the-blank-enough’ and you know you’ll end up not having a very nice time because you’re not really relaxing and well…
Why bother?
And then….
Why even have sex?
Your body will actually begin to say: “No thank you. Why would I want to put myself through another horrible experience that only makes me feel worse about myself?”
I spoke to danish Bente Brandstrup about her experiences with this phenomenon. Bente works with young girls and women; both 1:1 but also in her very popular group course.
When talking to her about a low libido in young women, she shared some very interesting observations:
Bente tells:
“If you walk around feeling insecure and unsure about whether you’re good enough, beautiful enough, hot enough… it can be difficult to feel what it is you actually want to do.
This happens because you’re constantly focusing on your thoughts and not paying any attention to the signals your body is sending you – these are being oppressed by your busy mind.
One of the things I help young women do is to control their thoughts and hereby get their self-esteem back on track. This ultimately aids in being able to feel the signals your body is sending you – and reacting on them of course.”
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What to do next:
If you’re battling a low self-esteem and you often find yourself with negative thoughts about yourself, I’ll recommend you to spend the next 12 months focusing on drastically changing this destructive behavior. Yes, drastic changes need to take place.
The things you can do are plentiful. If you begin this work today, I’m sure that in 12 months time you’ll be strutting around feeling confident, full of self-worth and yes, your sex drive will most likely begin to show itself again in the most natural way as you feel better and better about yourself. You do need to commit to this work though and take the first step.
4) Are you affecting your hormones? (unintentionally)
Our hormones definitely affect our spontaneous libido; how quickly we feel turned on, horny and “ready” but also how quickly we’re “ready” to want sex again after our last sexual experience.
We already know that sleep deprivation and stress both affect our hormones negatively in regards to our lack of sex drive, the thing is though, that there’s another “bad guy” out there.
Hormonal contraceptives, that is…
In recent years, more and more studies show a very unanimous result (something that both doctors and gynecologists have known for years): that when they start taking the pill or other forms of hormonal contraceptives, some women actually lose their libido.
According to doctor Marilyn Glenville, the pill reduces the level of testosterone and yes, this sends up back to the same trouble we had with stress and sleep deprivation.
The University Hospital of Tübingen in Germany conducted a study on women’s lust for sex (1,000 women participated). Generally, the women who were on the pill had a lower libido than the women who weren’t on the pill.
At the Sexological Clinic, Psychiatric Center Copenhagen they’ve also looked into this. Their first findings have already been published in “The Journal of Sexual Medicine”.
These results basically show a connection between the level of testosterone in your blood and your libido.
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What to do next:
If you suspect that your birth control might be the cause of your sex drive having gone M.I.A., I’ll recommend that you try changing your contraceptive methods, just for a certain period of time, to see whether this has an effect. You might be so lucky that this is where the trouble was for you. If this doesn’t work, however, you can always go back to the contraceptive you were on if you liked it.
5) Do you take any anti-depressants?
There can be a lot of reasons to why you’d take anti-depressant medication.
You might be suffering from anxiety or maybe you’re battling depressive thoughts?
For some people this medication actually do help them and is a necessary tool for them to have a functioning everyday life.
For others, this medication is an extra helping hand for a temporary period of time while they see a psychologist. I’ve even heard several people talk about how they wouldn’t even be capable of being in therapy weren’t they on this medication.
And, of course, studies show that for some people this medication don’t even work.
Whether you should take this medication or not is up to you – in close dialogue with your doctor of course – and this is not something I’ll get involved in.
Nevertheless, it’s quite important to be aware that this medication can affect your sexuality; I’ve spoken to quite a few people who state that their doctor didn’t inform them about this particular side effect.
Consider for a second what it can mean to these people’s lives (your life?) that these doctors “forget” to inform their patients about this!
The medication can affect your ability to ejaculate and orgasm, and it can even affect your ability to feel turned on and horny; your ability to lubricate (getting wet), and it can also affect your ability to actually feel your libido.
There are a lot of alternatives to help both anxiety and depression.
One of the newest – and most effective alternatives in UK & also Denmark – is MetaCognitiv Therapy. At the moment, only 25 Danish psychologists have taken this certification. It is one of the most effective ways to work with anxiety, depression and stress, so I would recommend you to find someone who is educated in that or the old school Cognitive Therapy.
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What to do next:
If you suspect that your medication might be what’s affecting your libido, then go see you doctor and see if there’s a possibility for you to try out a different brand or if you’re OK to reduce your intake for a certain amount of time to see if this has a positive effect. You might also want to consider whether there are other ways for you to deal with your anxiety or depression, that doesn’t involve this medication.
6) Are you having problems in your relationship?
Some of the young women I’ve met, who’ve experienced a low libido, is also dealing with something else: a relationship in troubled waters.
Problems and challenges are perfectly normal; we can’t go through a whole life – or a long-term relationship for that matter – without running into problems or challenges. These are simply things we need to uncover and solve.
When you put two people very closely together, something happens.
And it’s not all sunshine and butterflies.
You simply CAN’T avoid going through tough times.
And this is part of the deal, isn’t it really?
That we are faced with problems, solve them together as a team (I know this is so hard to do sometimes) and get through it.
Together.
Stronger.
You might find yourself having a difficult time with whatever it might be or your partner is; or maybe it’s something the two of you just can’t agree on. It might be a third thing even, slowly wearing you guys down.
Sometimes one person just display some inconsiderate behavior…
Maybe he:
- won’t take responsibility for the fact that they hurt the other person etc.
- is jealous all the time
- won’t take part in solving the problems you’re experiencing
- just don’t really make you feel loved
- won’t listen to you when you tell them that there’s something you’re missing
- don’t seem interested in fulfilling your needs
- is mean to you when you do not agree on something
- prefers to sit in front of the computer for 5 hours every night, rather than just – once in a while – watching a movie with you or having a nice dinner with you; having a deep talk, go for a walk or go to bed early or whatever “you-time” you guys like to spend together
Please just think about these things for a moment…
There are so many very logical reasons to why you don’t just lose your libido but as to why you lose your lust for your partner. A low libido in young women is often the result of a bad relationship. A relationship that isn’t really headed in the right direction, as much as you’d like it to and as much as you try to get you guys to a better place.
If your partner is making you feel unsafe or insecure in any way or if you doubt whether the two of you should stay together because of how things are, then being intimate with him might just be too difficult; lying there with him on the bed, naked, exposed, vulnerable can very well be too much for anyone to handle – let alone want to.
Studies actually show that women’s libido is more affected by psychosocial factors (for instance, whether you feel good in your relationship) than men’s libido is. And this is certainly worth considering when experiencing a low libido.
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What to do next:
Ask yourself this: “Have I lost my lust for sex in general or have I just lost the lust for sex with my partner?” Now consider whether there’s ‘something’ going on in your relationship which needs some adjustment; something that bothers you. Something you miss; something you want more of (or less of).
Once you work out what this is, you need to insist that you do something about it – as a team. You might be able to work it all out yourselves or perhaps you need to schedule an appointment with a couple’s therapist. What’s important is that you take responsibility for your relationship and raise it to the next level. What might help speed things along is if you explain to your partner how your libido is closely connected to the state of your relationship.
7) The “I’ve said A now I have to say B syndrome”
Are you allowed to say no?
What happens if I wanted to at first but then not so much anymore?
Or if I just change my mind?
Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience.
It has never ever been something you “just do” because you “should” or feel like you “ought to”.
STOP!
Turn it around: would you really want to have sex with your boyfriend, if you knew that he actually didn’t want to have sex with you?
You wouldn’t, would you?
No.
It is true that if you just give it a chance, you might just feel like it.
This requires you to know your own body, what triggers your excitement and that you want to be intimate with your partner.
But… sometime you just don’t feel like it and that’s OKAY!
A lot of young women are (somehow) convinced that if you say A, you must also say B…
If you’re nodding along now, you have probably had a lot of sex that you didn’t actually want to have. Sex which may have been outright uncomfortable for you and something you just wanted to get over and done with.
I promise you one thing: if this is your go-to strategy, as time goes on, you won’t have a very high libido…
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What to do next:
If you’re one of the many (many!) young women who time and time again, have sex without actually wanting to, then you need to practice saying “thanks, but no thanks!”.
If this is really difficult for you to do, then I’ll recommend you to seek some professional help.
Please remember: sex is meant to be really nice.
That’s all there is to it.
The nicer it is, the easier it’ll be to say “yes please” when it’s initiated again.
It’s also easier to feel whether you want to take the initiative next time.
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Please remember that there is ALWAYS a logical explanation to why you’re experiencing a low libido (or to why it’s completely gone).
If you want to share your experiences, thoughts and questions about low libido in young women, then you are more then welcome to drop it in the comments below.
Love,
Maj Wismann
* Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can help one another. Because of this, I do have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and other negative inputs.
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Super advice. Yet generalizations are just that – generalizations. When men think it’s mostly women who suffer from a lack of libido, there are reverse situations.
I have a very good friend who said he would rather have a snack and a cold beer. The worst thing was that he was actually serious, even though he was then in a relationship with a very sweet lady.
Libido swings through the phases of life, and I think most can settle with the DIY-method temporarily, but when this persists, then I think your advice would be most helpful – and worth sharing.
I think for me it’s stress and lack of sleep bc of my 3 year old, and there’s nothing I can do about that. My son does start prek in 2 months but my relationship most likely wont last until then. My relationship and libido is suffering greatly. Your advice of “its okay to say no” backfires for me. Me saying “no” causes the problems in the relationship, which takes me to reason #6 “problems in a relationship”. It’s this vicious cycle that won’t stop. My bf is mad when I say no bc he says it makes him feel unwanted, unloved when I always turn him down. I then feel mad bc he doesn’t understand. I am with my son 24-7, I’m stressed, tired, and completely drained by the end of the day. I try to do something positive for my well being to make myself feel better, like exercise, and he gets mad that Id rather exercise than have sex. I feel like he does not understand me. Sometimes I feel I just want to be alone so I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. Or so I can just do what I want to do without feeling bad. We have already broken up and I’m making plans to move out with our son.
Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone.
-A grateful 24 year old married woman
None of your reasons apply to me. I get plenty of sleep and know I’m attractive. My partner since age 16 and I’m now 26 isn’t attractive but really really good and nice is small and doesn’t know much about foreplay does that have anything to do with it. He’s the only one I’ve ever been with. Tonya
Hello, my wife and I are trying to find some solutions to her libido issue. She has apparently had a low libido since long before we met. What kind of specialist would you recommend we go to? I already know of sex therapists and sexologists, but are there also physicians we can find who specialize in this area?
I am a male and often i find myself tired of trying to please ma sex partner. She never enjoy the sex and she feels the pain rather than esctasy. So i think she is having low libido level in her. For this reason, i am trying out some sex pills to increase her libido level. Can it be helpful and is it the suitable remedy for my problem?
I think my low libido is partially due to all of these possibilities. I’m a student in college trying to get my accounting degree
Stress is a daily battle for me. I’m currently getting the Depo shot for birth control. I’ve tried the pill, but I had trouble with remembering to take it. So i switched to Nexplanon, the tiny rod in your arm. It made me have about 3 periods every month for the entire year I had it. It was rare when I wasn’t bleeding. I’m also on my third antidepressant, one that is actually working. However, my psychologist has had to increase my dosage a couple times.
I’m also married. Due to my lack of libido, I’ll tell my husband no to sex but it only results in him getting irritated because I’m always saying no, which makes me irritated because he doesn’t understand that I’m either not interested, not in the mood, or it’s painful. This ends up putting stress on our relationship and causes problems. And more problems come from the fact that I’m with my sons 24/7 and it’s like I’m the sole parent and my husband barely helps. When I confront him about this he just makes it into an argument and tries to condescend me into thinking that I’m a bad parent, which makes me feel like shit.
And most importantly, I’m a stay-at-home mom of two bouncing baby boys. Fraternal twins that are less than a month away from being a year old. My doctor told me that it may take a while to get back into the swing of things sexually, and that for some women it can take over a year. But this is just frustrating. Also, now that I’ve gone from 160 lbs back to 100-ish lbs, I’ve got stretch marks like a road map everywhere on my stomach and I can’t seem to get rid of the pooch (or pouch or whatever). My husband says it looks cute on me because I’m not as stick-thin anymore, but it doesn’t make me any less self-conscious about it, especially when I’m wearing skinny jeans and I have a muffin top.
After all of the things I’m going through, with my children, college, and my marriage, I’m exhausted as all hell. My sons sleep through the night and I get decent sleep most nights, usually around 7 or so hours. But still, no matter how much sleep I get or don’t get, I’m always tired. I’ve talked to my psychologist about this and we decided to see if it was due to my antidepressant, but no matter the dosage, I’m still tired during the day, all the time.
I’m going to have to talk to my doctor because all of these things together make me feel like shit and I hate how it’s affecting my relationship and the rest of my life.
I’m A 20 year old female and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years now. For the first 2 years we were “hot & heavy”. Especially the first year, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and never went a day without having sex at least once. Well over the past year my sex drive has literally disappeared. I have no desire to have sex at all. I know she’s not the problem, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I want to want to have sex, so bad and I feel so terrible for constantly telling her no. I’ve explained to her that I just don’t want it and I don’t know why and she says she understands and doesn’t hold it against me but I can’t help but feel like I’m putting a strain on our relationship. We’ve tried new and different things but nothing changes. I do give in once in a while and do it for her because she more than deserves. I’m just stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore!
This is the exact same problem I’m dealing with. I’m 20 and I just don’t have the drive to have sex with my girlfriend like I use to either but my girlfriend is not as understanding
I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for 8 years and I just don’t want to have sex I’m never in the mood it’s like my body has shut down and when I do have sex it’s just for him I don’t know what’s wrong with me and he is not understanding at all he throws fits with me when he doesn’t understand also I am 22 FM
Im 24 and literally having the same problem with my girlfriend of 3 years 🙁 worst feeling ever.. i am looking for help but don’t know what to do or where to go. She is understanding sometimes but sometimes not so much.
Same boat. She’s getting impatient and I don’t know what to say anymore. I feel broken but worst of all I feel like I’m running her over with a truck every time I turn her down.
🙁
So I guess I’m stressed just about to start school. I’ve had low libido/basically none for about 9 months ever since I switched to an IUD probably biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Now I’m back on my birth control that I was on before and been a month and a half but still nothing. My partner thinks I’m not interested with him and never start anything sexually first which I don’t because I am neverr in the mood I hate it I was never like this before. I had such high sex drive. I’m going off birth control bc screw that shit. But still a long as process o just hope my sex drive comes back before my relationship ends.
Im gone to be 25 this year and I started having a low sex drive since I was pregnant with my last bab I’m forever exhausted, and have been like this since I was in highschool. What can I do to get better, because with the guilt of having a low libido.. I also hate being tired all the time
Hi Jay
Thank you for your reply. How old is your last baby? It sounds like you are not only tired but exhausted – am I right?
Best,
Maj
Shes almost 2, but I’ve been struggling with this for awhile
Exhausted´ness is a killer for libido – Can you do anything – even small things to get more or better sleep. Maybe a nap in the middle of the day?
Best,
Maj
Hey Maj,
The above really brings truth to everything and actually gets me quite upset.
I’m about to get married in a few months and have been with my partner for three years now.
Our sex drive for the first two years was great but now I’m getting irritated rather than turned on.
I love him however my sex drive has dissappeared.
I get a lot of sleep, I like my job so stress levels are low.
I’m upset to think that I shouldn’t get married because of how I feel.
He is very supportive in all ways and I have expressed my lack of sex to him to which he replies “we will get through this”.
I’m stuck unsure on what my mind is telling me to do ?.
I am getting married in August and have been with my fiance for over a year now. My sex drive, before us even dating, has been shot. I just assumed it was because of my weight, lack of exercise and my diet. I recently changed all that, I am going to the gym frequently, eating 3 healthy meals a day and drinking lots of water to fit into my dress. My sex drive has not changed. We’ve spoke recently and he is not happy in our relationship due to this issue and said that if it doesnt change, he wont be able to stick around. Which I dont blame him! But we really love each other and hearing that from him, really kills me inside. I dont know what to do, what my next step should be. I currently don’t work because he works away and we have a great income, we got a dog together, so he’s a little bit of an inconvenience for me to get a job at the moment. All my friends and family are across the country, and I feel alone and sad when he’s away for 20 days. Then when he’s home for 10 days, we have sex, but I never initiate it. Some nights I am just too dry to the point it hurts. I dont want to give him a BJ, even if he asks… I feel broken and I am scared and worried that our wedding will never happen because I can please him in the bedroom.
I’m so happy I read this, me and my boyfriend have been having endless fights not only about the sex but many other things. I don’t feel loved,he will never tell me I’m beautiful or just touch my hair without wanting sex,he only touches me when his horny. Half the time I feel like I’m being forced to having sex. We use to be so happy,I use to enjoy the sex and I use to feel loved.
I’m 20 years old, in college and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I was a virgin at the beginning of our relationship but I was always horny and we would do other things instead of sex. We would talk dirty while he was at school and everything was great until probably a year after we started having sex and it hasn’t been the same since. Its put many strains on our relationship and I don’t know what is wrong, my libido has just disappeared.
I feel so alone. I just want to be me again. My 3 year old is a handful and I never get a break. I just have zero sex drive. My boyfriend never tells me I’m beautiful or that I’m loved. We fight all the time. Please somebody help me.
This is such a great article, and everyone’s posts are encouraging – I’m not alone here. I love my husband – I’m IN LOVE with my husband – he is an amazing man and I’m still very much attracted to him. Our sex life isn’t non existent, but his drive is VERY high, and mine is…well, not. I’m exhausted – every day when I come home from work, I just want to sleep. I don’t though – in fact, I average about 5 hours of sleep regularly. My husband takes it personally and thinks I don’t find him attractive or that I just don’t want him anymore. He’s even gone as far as suggesting that “there is something else going on”, which further troubles me. He says that sex is a wife’s duty and that he “needs to have sex”. I try to be sympathetic to this, and I’ve found myself just giving in and doing it just to get him off my back about it. He doesn’t understand that it’s not about my personal feelings for him. I often see sex as a chore – if it takes him 3 hours to orgasm and I have to wake up early for work, all I can think about is how tired I know I’ll be in the morning. Its reached the point where sex is stressful and feels more like an obligation just so that he can have his needs fulfilled. And it’s not just about him reaching orgasm – he needs me to be “into it”, which is difficult when you don’t want to in the first place. I’ve been faking moans and pleasurable noises so that he believes I am into it, but I feel more and more resentment about sex than anything. It’s causing me to feel depressed, like nothing I can do is good enough – which again furthers my situation. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one experiencing this feeling.
Hi Rachel
Thank you so much. It sounds to me like you are in a evil circel where your low libido and sex drive makes you fokus on “Getting it over with” when you have sex. If you are having sex anyway, maybe it can help you to switch fokus and try to fokus on what pleasures you? You tell me you sleep 5 hours a night ! That is W-A-Y to little if you want to have a well functioning sex drive (and brain btw) – Sleep is SO important to have a good life quality and also a good sex life with a good sex drive. When you are sleep deprived, you will at first not even know that you are because of the sleep deprivation and further more you will be low on lots of things, not only sex drive and libido. But if you do not get your sleep your brain will starts to make hormonal changes – and the changes also includes hormones that makes the sex drive normal/high. That is also one of the things I teach in my online class / online workshop “Get you sex drive back & keep it for life” – https://www.majwismann.com/get-sex-drive-back – If you want to dive into the “sleep thing”, I can recommend the book “Why we sleep”: https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-Sleep-Unlocking-Dreams/dp/1501144316
From what you describe, then for me as a clinical sexologist I would be surpriced if you had a high sex drive with that few hours of sleep.
Best,
Maj
Women are the most hardworking person we’ve known. This is the reason why women are prone to stress which leads to very many severe diseases that they would not notice. Listed above are the 7 most common causes of low libido for women. As far as I can remember, we always experience either 1 or 2 of the causes that are listed above. We must always be cautious in everything that we feel to our body.
I am only 21 but recently quite stressed and have been sick quite often for the past six months. I had much higher libido at the beginning of my relationship but it has gone down recently. And saying no a lot has put a lot of additional stress on the relationship, just like a lot of the other women here.
Hi Kimmy
It is very normal to have low libido when you are very stressed over a longer periode due to the hormonal changes in the body qua stress. Can you do anything to put the stress down?
Best,
Maj
I am 21 years old with PCOS. I have never had this problem until recently. I got out of a bad relationship with a man that was no good for me. Now I’m with this wonderful man that gives me the world, but it’s almost as if I have no sex drive at all. It’s extremely frustrating because I love him. I have no clue what I should do
I lost my libido since I had my first child in 2013,I don’t crave for sex I don’t get wet i dnt get arouse I don’t know what happened to me its been 4years and countingi haven’t been to a doctor or anything I have cheated but same thing happens with the other guys
I have been really worried about my low Libido, and i finally decided to look into it. I was really nervous to do so, but this was the second article i came across, and it was the best thing that could’ve happened. The internet doesn’t consider the younger population with some things, such as low libido, so when you search up, why do i have low libido, it’s all higher age related problems. This article made sure to provide information for the younger population, which is really needed on the internet. Thank you for reassuring us that low libido is normal, i felt so gross before this article, but i feel a lot more understood. Thank you for taking the time to create this post. You are a blessing.
Dear Hannah
You are very welcome. It is very normal and there is so much to do if you wish for a higher libido. But for sure, you are completely normal.
Best from Maj Wismann (Writing from Denmark)