Is your sex life all routine?

The same positions, the same roles, and perhaps even the same time of day?

Every.

Single.

Time.

If so, this can affect your sex drive.

Read on to learn how to break free from this evil circle, and avoid giving up on your sex life.

Doing what I do, I meet a lot of couples who struggle with their sex drive.

This can be both the man and the woman who are finding it too be a bit tricky.

The myth about men always wanting sex is… well, a myth.

It has absolutely NOTHING to do with reality.

Anyhow, back to one of these couples.

The guy isn’t feeling his sex drive.

The woman is feeling frustrated.

She doesn’t feel attractive anymore.

She’s worried he no longer loves her. Worried he’s cheating on her. And worried he’s about to leave her.

And well, she’s pretty fed up with being rejected, time and time again…

But they don’t really talk about it.

It’s not an easy topic to discuss, and it’s hurting both of them.

He’s feeling frustrated too.

He feels like there’s something wrong with him.

But the doctor has told him that he’s perfectly fine: he’s being active, not overweight, he’s living a healthy lifestyle, and he’s not on any medication that might affect his sex drive, he’s neither depressed nor anxious or stressed.

But he’s upset and he feels his masculinity is dwindling away together with his sex drive.

As we talk, what appears is that their sex life has been unsatisfying for years.

For both of them.

A different kind of sex

I ask him about his sex drive.

Does he feel it in his daily life?

And yes, he does.

But he doesn’t act on it.

Does he find his wife attractive?

Does he desire her?

Again, yes he actually does.

But he still doesn’t want to have sex.

That is…

He just doesn’t want to have the sex that they’re having…

He just hasn’t been able to tell her this.

Instead, he’s opted for the strategy of taking less and less initiative.

In his experience, he’s had to be the one to always awaken and take responsibility for her sex drive.

He´s always had to be the active one in the bedroom and also always the one making sure she reached climax.

And one more thing…

He´s had to always be the one to finish himself off.

Sure, he likes doing that TOO

But….

It gets repetitive and frankly, pretty boring to always be the one taking action, to always be the one who’s attentive to her when he’s not getting much attention from her.

He’s missing the feeling of ‘being seen’ in bed, for her to spoil him, for her to show him that she desires him too, and well, not just feel like her “tool” to have an orgasm.

Ouch…

For him, their sex life has become so unsatisfying that he’s actually pulled away.

Slowly but surely, over the years, he’s distanced himself from it.

He honestly can’t be bothered with it anymore.

But he’s missing it too, the other things having an active sex life brings with it: intimacy, flirtations, physical needs being met etc.

This is all completely gone now, as he doesn’t want to do anything that might make her believe that he wants to have sex with her, only to reject her and disappoint her.

The road back to a satisfying sex life

Throughout my sessions with this couple, we solidify the fact that it’s perfectly okay to each have different perceptions of a sex life.

It’s actually pretty normal, and there are numerous studies to confirm this. (McCarthy 2003)

We also talk about how the one with the lower sex drive is often the “wisest” of the partners when it comes to their sex life.

According to David Schnarch anyway, who’s the author of the book titled “The Passionate Marriage”.

He points out that the lack of sex drive is connected to a low quality sex life.

Looking at it this way, the low sex drive is suddenly very understandable and quite a healthy reaction really.

I give the couple some homework for them to complete before their next session with me: I want them to each think about what they would classify as a satisfying sex life.

This can be a difficult thing to do.

They might not have a clue. It’s often a lot easier to establish what you DON’T want, than to express what you DO want.

After a few sessions, the couple starts having sex again – but in a new way.

They’re fumbling around in the dark a bit, a bit awkwardly perhaps.

But then, slowly but surely, things start to take off.

They’ve shaken things up, and no, it wasn’t very pleasant for them to get there, as they’d never actually spoken about their sex life until now.

But oh, the result was liberating for both of them.

And if you and your partner are in the same situation, you can shake things up too, and turn things around!

Is your sex life so boring to? – Maj’s tip:

Are you unsatisfied with your sex life, consider what you would like to do instead.

Start exploring and digging into this question, and figure out where your part of the responsibility lies. What can YOU change? What can YOU do to change your sex life? And what can YOU do to make it more enjoyable for both of you?

Exercise:

Try swapping roles. If you’re always the passive one, try being the active one in bed, and see what this does to you, your sex drive, and how you feel about sex.

Love,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationthip therapist with own clinic since 2006 – Read more about Maj here <—

 

 

 

Read more about sex life and sex drive:

► Q&A: Boring sex life – What can I do to spice it up? ←

► Online Workshop: Get your sex drive back & keep it for life ←

► Blog post: Who’s winning – Your smartphone or your sex life? ←

 

*** Have you tried anything like my clients? Have you experienced your partner not wanting sex – and what did you do? Please share your experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.

Please do remember that sex life issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.