Is something wrong with me?
So many people ask themselves: “Is something wrong with me?”
It's something I hear a lot when people settle into my soft couch at the clinic.
The tricky thing about this question is, that you don’t ask it and then examine whether there’s any truth to it.
The answer lies within the question as a forgone conclusion.
You've already decided that there IS something wrong with you.
Something wrong with your reactions, with your emotions, and the way you behave, etc.
So you've already made up your mind and you’re hit with an emotional onslaught.
Perhaps you are sad, unhappy, insecure, or feeling something completely different.
Regardless, it’s always negative emotions that you're dealing with.
They jump up and dance because you’ve already bought into the belief that YOU are in the wrong.
And because you put this discovery in the form of a question...
It continues to cycle over and over in your head while doubt and uncertainty take over your mind.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Buy maybe we need to dig deeper to understand your doubts.
Funnily enough, we have a tendency to believe that seemingly ‘irrational’ emotional reactions are reserved for children and teenagers.
But this is not the case.
Let me give you an example
Take for example the woman who discovers that her husband has been unfaithful (to use a dramatic example).
The man confesses, is humble and incredibly sad about the situation.
He’ll do anything possible to rectify the damage and he assumes full responsibility.
They come into my practice - she cries and scolds, and he apologizes.
We create a plan to work on reestablishing trust while making every effort to strengthen the foundation of the relationship in order for their love to grow from there.
Often I will schedule a couple of individual sessions with her and this is when her true thoughts come out (please note the constant self-criticism):
• "I should just get over it."
• "I am so unhappy, angry, sad and furious all the time. Why can't feel differently?"
• "One minute I'm happy that he’ll work on the relationship and he says sorry and the next minute I’m ready to kill him. It's not normal, why can’t I just be happy all the time?"
• "I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. But I feel I’m being unfair because he’s trying so hard to correct what he has done - I should just be thankful."
• "Is there something wrong with me?"
No, sweetest friend, there's nothing wrong with you.
But your system is in shock over the situation.
And when you’re in shock, you respond quite differently.
It’s only human!
People are made of flesh and blood.
- With thoughts, feelings, sensations, a complex body and a beating heart.
So when something happens that tears you out of the daily grind in an oh-not-so-nice way, then it’s quite normal that you react emotionally and perhaps even physically too.
It’s a healthy reaction from a healthy body to a less-than-healthy experience!
Is it uncool?
Yes, damn it!
Wouldn’t it be convenient and efficient if we could take two days on the couch with tissues and then rise again, completely unaffected and ready to shimmy out just fine?
But you're not a robot!
And if you expect that you can fake being a robot that can hide your feelings - think again.
You have to let time work it´s magic.
And you have to understand that nothing is wrong with you .
Your reaction is natural.
It’s perfectly okay.
Otherwise you’d be completely out of touch with your true values or unable to recognize when others have violated your boundaries, etc.
So remember one very, very important thing: when you start asking yourself the question "Is something wrong with me?", remember to do a quick mental check-in with yourself and ask whether the answer you’re giving yourself is true.
Without revealing too much, I can tell you that I N-E-V-E-R in my time as a therapist found that: "Yes, something is wrong with you. We'd better call the ‘emotional police’ so they can come and put you in the corner."
Take care of yourself.
Maj Wismann – Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Therapist with own clinic since 2006 - Read more about Maj here <---
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*** Have you been in a situation like this where you ask youeself over and over again: "Is something wrong with me?" ? Have you experienced your partner feeling and thinking this way? Please share your experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.
Please do remember that relationship issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.