Q&A: I am a 45 year old woman who’s never felt desire, had desire, masturbated or enjoyed sex
Dear Maj,
I am a 45 year old woman who’s never felt desire, had desire, masturbated or enjoyed sex.
My husband and I have sex because he wants to, but he also wants me to want it and enjoy it.
But I don´t.
And I just don’t think I ever will, it’s not my thing and never has been.
I feel very like there is something wrong with me and that I’m different then any other women I have ever met!
Even though my husband doesn’t blame me anymore I still feel he’s angry about it.
The truth is I NEVER felt desire at all.
Not once in my life.
Is it normal to feel no lust at all?
Best,
Mona
Q&A: I am a 45 year old woman who’s never felt desire
Hi Mona,
Thank you so much for writing and bringing forward a very important subject that has not been given much attention.
In our society sex is highly prioritized and articles about sex abound in newspapers and magazines!
Many dealing with how to get better sex, wilder orgasms etc.
Rarely do we hear about the minorities within the diverse universe of sex life.
One such minority group are people who don’t feel desire and desire or lust are just not their thing.
This group of people are asexsuals.
An English study from 1994, of the sex lives of 18,000 participants showed that 1% were asexual which I believe is actually quite a lot.
But dear Mona, I cannot sit here in front of my computer and tell you what you are.
It sounds like it might be possible that you’re asexual.
Never felt desire – maybe you are asexual
And whether that’s normal or not I leave for you to decide.
Normalcy is a very broad term.
What’s important is that you feel a certain way, which probably cannot be changed. You don’t feel lust, that’s your reality and no matter what you do, that’s the way you’re built as I understand it.
I’ll encourage you to “Google” the term as there are associations for asexsuals.
Try read about AVEN – Asexual Visibility and Education Network – You can read about them here <—
About your husband…
Your husband’s mad at you but he has to take responsibility for his own desire, just as you have take responsibility for yours.
You ARE this way and to force lust on someone is not very pleasant.
Once you look up the term, have a talk with your husband.
Tell him how you feel so he can tell you how he feels.
Then you’ll have to talk about how each of you can take responsibility for your own lust.
Physical contact and close proximity of body is something you still want so maybe you can use that as a starting point to define your intimacy needs.
If everything ends up in a complete stalemate, then you’re more than welcome to contact me either through mail or Skype and I’ll guide you best as I can.
Many Caring thoughts,
Maj Wismann – Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Therapist with own clinic since 2006 – Read more about Maj here <—
Read more about relationship & sex life:
► Happy couples – Here’s a surprising fact you did not know! ←
► Guide: How to get rid of jealousy ←
► Is your sex life so boring that you can’t even be bothered with it? ←
*** Have you been in a situation like the frustrated woman who is asking “I never felt desire – What can I do?”? Have you experienced your partner telling you that he or she never felt desire? Please share your experiences (and lessons) in the comments below. Remember, your comment might help someone else! And as always, thank you for sharing.
Please do remember that relationship issues are very vulnerable topics, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you. Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.
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It is indeed very important to acknowledge the people who are asexual. I have a friend who feels exactly the same way. He did enjoy sex when he was younger, and had lots of different sexual relationships. In his last relationship, which ended about ten years ago, he started off by saying that in the first 3-6 months there might be a certain interest, but it wasn’t part of his priorities. His girlfriend knew this, yet bought in on the terms.
Later, she had some of the same frustrtaions, Mona’s husband is voicing, so it can happen with both sexes. After some blood clots, he claims to be impotent now (he’s 65), and one can only imagine the frustrations if he had been younger. 🙂
In a society where sex has become the primary focus for many, this is a difficult subject, but you’re quite right, Maj. A good talk with this husband might give new ideas, and maybe an open relationship could solve the sexual aspect.
Best of luck to Mona and her husband, and thanks for an always interesting blog. 🙂