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I don’t trust my boyfriend – what do I do?

How can I trust my boyfriend?

Dearest Maj!

I’ve been struggling with this problem for a few months now and I haven’t been able to find a solution for it myself – then last night I had a dream about you and I take this as a sign that (hopefully) you will be able to help me. (I really hope you can help me; my marriage is at stake here.)

The problem is quite simple really: I don’t trust him.

Not because he’s cheated on me but because he has told me little white lies, right from the beginning.

They’re lies which are all quite innocent really. However, when it happens again and again, it makes it harder and harder for me to actually believe anything he tells me is true – and it’s getting to the point now where I’m questioning every single little thing he says from how long the spaghetti has been on for till where he’s been.

I really just don’t believe anything and my brain is automatically telling me that everything is a lie.

So how am I meant to communicate with a man I don’t trust?

How do you repair such damage?

There’s no doubt that I love him but I do think it’s pretty awful that we’re best is when we don’t talk. I used to love our long and meaningful talks – I miss the man I once had…

Phew… I so hope you can help me!

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this. Not my girlfriends, not my family and certainly not my husband. What crazy person loses trust because of white lies? :-/

Best,
Jeanette

What to do when I don’t trust my boyfriend?

Dear Jeanette

I know; what ”crazy person” loses trust because of white lies?

I do. So feel free to call me crazy as much as you like.

There you go.

Trust is trust.

And in a relationship you can either trust each other or you can’t.

Do we all tell lies?

Yes, at some point in our lives we do in one way or the other; we tell lies.

One of my good friends recently said to me: “Maj, you tell lies too!” And I must admit, I felt extremely insulted (yep, I get cranky like that, like a little girl) as I see myself as a very honest person.

Buuut… then he told me what he actually meant with that statement. And yes, hand on heart: we all lie every now and then.

“No, the dog, the cat, the guineapig was old and not well and therefor it passed away.” (Instead of telling the truth saying, it was put down).

“No, we won’t be having anymore sweets tonight”, and then when the kids are all tucked in, out comes the lolly jar.

“I’m sorry but I don’t have time to talk right now.” Yeah, you do but you can’t really be bothered.

“I’m afraid I can’t get to work today, I’m not feeling very well.” Riiiight, are you SURE?

SO YES. No one can honestly say they don’t flick a white lie every now and then, at some point in their life; whether it’s to our kids, our colleagues, the homeless guy down the street asking for money, the check-out chick or someone else…

Loads of studies show this too – you can read much more about lies in this article and study right here <——-

HOWEVER, that being said, there is a difference between lying to a homeless person asking if you could spare him a dollar and then lying to your partner.

The difference is the relationship you have to the person you lie to!

And there’s a difference between a white lie and a selfish lie.

The difference is the purpose of the lie!

If the purpose of telling the lie is to avoid an unnecessary conflict with your kids or to avoid making anyone else upset for no reason, most people lie. Every now and then. That what studies show anyway. And it’s rare to find a person who can say they have never ever lied in their whole life.

But if the purpose of the lie is to make a fool of your partner and that you again and again and again and again lie to make yourself sound better than what you really are, then you should probably start considering if it all makes sense…

In your case, it doesn’t work!

It makes you feel so unsafe – and it would make me feel the same way! – so we’ll just have to be “two crazy people”. I’m NOT a fan of lies, in any regard.

I could never dream of lying to my partner or other people close to me, for that matter – unless it was to hide something nice from them, a birthday present or the like.

I hope you get what I mean.

White lies are a KILLER in any relationship.

And what you’re experiencing and what you’re feeling is something you certainly can’t ignore! You shouldn’t!

You need to respect exactly what these lies make you feel!

Your line is crossed, again and again and you’re NOT the one who’s in the wrong here. You’re simply reaction to something that happens to you and something you find to be over the line.

You could probably find other men and women who don’t care but reality of it all is that you do. And I’m convinced that you’ve tried EVERYTHING in your power to try and “live with his white lies”.

And the conclusion is very clear: You can’t.

I don’t trust my boyfriend – what to do

You either live with it (which, obviously, you can’t) or you sit down and have a very serious talk to him about what his white lies do to you. Talk about what they do to the trust between you, what they do to your love for him and your excitement about living with him.

You REALLY need to spell it out for him; that if those little lies don’t stop, then you’ll have to seriously reconsider whether the two of you should be together. Regardless of how much you WANT to live with it, you just CAN’T.

And yes, you CAN actually stop lying. By practicing. I’ve seen numerous examples of this in my clinic. To some people, constantly telling white lies is something that has stuck with them since their childhood where they’d lie to their friends, to seem interesting etc.

And yes, you can limit the number of lies you tell and you can learn how not to lie.

If you want to.

You ask me how to communicate with a man you don’t trust.

Well, he trusts you, so you just need to keep doing whatever you’re doing. But you’re telling me that you don’t trust him. And the reasons behind this are quite logical.

You don’t trust him because he can’t be trusted.

End of story.

As I said before, there’s a vast difference between telling a white lie every 3 years to some random person on the train you don’t really feel like talking to for the next three hours, and then to constantly lie to your partner.

In MY world, there’s a big difference anyway.

And I would certainly react to constant lies in my own relationship.

And the reality is that you CAN’T take it anymore.

You can rationalise it all and you can try and change “yourself” now and for the rest of your life but I honestly don’t think you’ll succeed in doing so. I believe that the change needs to come from your husband.

Talk to him.

Show him your question to me and show him what I wrote to you.

This might help kick-start a a good dialogue.

He might not actually understand HOW serious the consequences of these little white lies are. Both to you, to him and ultimately you as a couple.

He might actually be really sick of lying, it being as much as what you say it is!

Look after yourselves!

Love,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with own private clinic since 2006

 

 

 

 Have you experienced your partner lying again and again and have this made you struggle to trust them? Have you been the one who’s been telling little white lies? Do you want to share your experiences? Do you have any tips for ”Jeanette”? I’ll love reading your comment and your good advice ❤

* Please remember to keep a nice tone, ANY negative comments will be deleted immediately; I wish to create a positive and supporting space, where we can help each other and because of this I have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and negative inputs.

 

1 Comment

  1. Henrik V Blunck

    Good reply, Maj – as always 🙂
    The first thing one has to realize is that even the term “white lies” is an oxymoron. At least in a relationship.
    Lies are ugly, and they do indeed undermine what should be a loving union between two people.
    The only way you can teach a partner to stop lying is to tell him or her how this makes you feel – and draw the line once and for all. Don’t accept any of it anymore!
    Even though it might be unpopular to take the confrontation, Jeanette will no doubt find that it will strengthen their relationship once this has been on the table and resolved.

    Nobody deserves to be lied to, and there should be an atmosphere of trust between two people, because otherwise there will be doubts when crises arise where others lie. If you have a stable relationship you would normally trust your partner without any doubt, so it IS a subject that can change everything for this relationship.

    Reply

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