Can I trust you again? – How to trust again in relationship
To trust or not to trust…
Once someone has broken your trust or betrayed you in some way, you will ask yourself over and over whether or not you can trust again.
Remember when I told you that 100% of all relationships experience huge breaches of trust?
There’s no getting around it. At some point in your life you will be disappointed, discover a flat out lie, or be let down in some way. And you’ll ask yourself whether you should keep trusting anyone.
Because we’re humans, not robots.
We make mistakes.
And we hurt each other.
Yes, this includes you and me.
In most case without meaning to.
We let our egos take over and that’s why we can sometimes unthinkingly be selfish.
We hurt someone. We learn from it. We ask for forgiveness. We apologise. We change. We become wiser (luckily).
Welcome to the human race!
The degree to which trust is broken determines how long the healing process will be. Yes, you HAVE to start healing.
The worst mistake you can make is to say “I forgive you and we don’t need to talk about it anymore!”
Because you will talk more about it!
You can’t dismiss the fact that you’re hurt and feel betrayed.
You’ll need to talk about it because you’ll constantly be wondering:
“Can I trust you again?”
The answer to “Can I trust you again?”
And this is a question that holds the answer. Because if you felt you could trust your partner again, then you wouldn’t be asking yourself the question in the first place.
If the answer is always “No, I cannot trust you again, not ever again”, then we think we might as well leave!
We would much more likely want to answer (and save the love, gain hope and courage): “Yes, I can trust you again!”.
But we can’t.
At least not right away.
Not while our hurt feelings are still raw.
We need time to work through it.
When we’re in the middle of it – desperate, frustrated, tearful – we can’t deal with all our questions and feelings.
We forget that R-I-G-H-T now, we are in no frame of mind to really objectively decide if we can trust again.
We drive ourselves mad as we keep asking ourselves over and over whether we can trust again.
The only way to really know is to stop thinking about it incessantly. The only way the answer can come to you is by staying in the relationship.
Of course not if it’s the 7th time your partner has failed you!
(Or if the person couldn’t care less about you, your feelings or your well-being – then you should leave. Now!)
But if it’s the first time and you’re not sure whether to stay or go, then I’d recommend you stay and give it some time!
Because either you build trust in a relationship or not. So if you have any doubt, then give it some time. See what direction it takes, evaluate, talk with your partner, and pay attention to what you feel deep inside.
You cannot think yourself to a yes or a no, it’s something you feel, and you can gain experience over time showing you whether or not you can trust your loved one.
But it requires ONE thing from you!
The ONE thing YOU need to do, to get trust back into the relationship!
That you stay in the relationship.
Because if you leave the relationship then you’ll never know whether you could learn to trust your partner again.
So the more suitable answer might be:
“No, I don’t trust my partner right now, which is completely understandable given the current shitty situation. But I’ve decided to give it a chance and see if I can learn to trust again in time. If I 6 months, I still have not been able to bring myself to trust my partner, then I’ll think about what I need to do.”
Of coures, your partner ALSO needs to work on things.
7 points to consider to rebuild trust in your relationship
Here are 7 points for you both to consider if you want to rebuild the trust.
1) Has your partner assumed responsibility for the pain they caused and sincerely apologised and you know they meant it?
2) Can you talk about what happened?
3) Does your partner want to help you work through things?
4) Do you generally function well?
5) Can you figure out why this betrayal or transgression happened in the first place and are you working on preventing it from happening again?
6) Have you talked about how breaches of trust take TIME often a LONG time to mend? (it’s not done in 3 months)
7) Do you feel sincere care for your feelings from your partner?
The more “no’s” you answer to these questions, the longer and harder the rebuilding of trust and forgiveness process will be. In some cases it’s impossible.
But if you both sincerely want to help repair the damage and restore trust and are willing to do the work over time, then you will.
I promise you! Take care of you till next time.
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with private clinic since 2006 – Read about Maj here <—
When forgiveness is nowhere near enough – what to do? – Get help here
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Thanks Ws 🙂
Thank you so much for this – I really needed to read this and to feel that I wasn’t going crazy. As we approach the 35th year of our marriage, I found that my husband has been having an affair for the last nine months. It was truly devastating to me but I value our marriage and believe it is worth saving. He told me he loved her and he wanted to leave me to be with her … but our personal/family/business situation meant that this was not possible for maybe as long as five years. To cut a long story short, he ‘engineered’ (his words not mine) the end of the affair by asking his lover for ‘commitments’ that he knew she would not be able to give him. He said he could not bear to witness my misery, knowing that I was still there for him, listening to him, supporting him, loving him, and realised that he could not destroy our marriage and life together. During the three months between me discovering the affair and it ending, I went for weekly counselling sessions which I found very enlightening and helpful. However, he absolutely refused to even consider counselling, even after the affair ended. At the moment we are both functioning well but not talking about the affair and its implications at all. However, he says he still loves her and I feel he regrets not having the opportunity to find out if their relationship would have worked out. It is not an easy situation for me and any attempt by me to discuss the affair just makes him defensive and sulky. Despite that, I am standing by him although I still live in hope that he will actually express some heartfelt remorse about the hurt he caused me instead of just sticking his head in the sand and pretending that it’s all finished and forgotten. I have had to dig very deep inside myself to find the courage and strength to cope with this life trauma. In fact, I have surprised myself! My counsellor told me that I was a truly amazing woman and he was lucky to have me. When the time is right (and it’s too raw for him now), I will ask him to read your blog and realise that I cannot just ‘pretend’ it didn’t happen and that I need time to grieve and rebuild my trust in him. Right now, I feel sad and adrift, even in the midst of our successful business, lovely home and beautiful location. Thank you.
Thank you very much and NO you are NOT going crazy – I really feel for you and think that you must be under really hard stress and pressure 🙁
I hope your situation gets better and that your man will help you to trust him again. Please promise me, that you will keep getting help for as long as you need and that you take very, very good care of yourself <3
All my best