To trust or not to trust…

Once someone has broken your trust or betrayed you in some way, you will ask yourself over and over whether or not you can trust again.

Remember when I told you that 100% of all relationships experience huge breaches of trust?

There’s no getting around it. At some point in your life you will be disappointed, discover a flat out lie, or be let down in some way. And you’ll ask yourself whether you should keep trusting anyone.

Why?

Because we’re humans, not robots.

We make mistakes.

And we hurt each other.

Yes, this includes you and me.

In most case without meaning to.

We let our egos take over and that’s why we can sometimes unthinkingly be selfish.

We hurt someone. We learn from it. We ask for forgiveness. We apologise. We change. We become wiser (luckily).

Welcome to the human race!

The degree to which trust is broken determines how long the healing process will be. Yes, you HAVE to start healing.

The worst mistake you can make is to say “I forgive you and we don’t need to talk about it anymore!”

Because  you will talk more about it!

You can’t dismiss the fact that you’re hurt and feel betrayed.

You’ll need to talk about it because you’ll constantly be wondering:

“Can I trust you again?”

The answer to “Can I trust you again?”

And this is a question that holds the answer. Because if you felt you could trust your partner again, then you wouldn’t be asking yourself the question in the first place.

If the answer is always “No, I cannot trust you again, not ever again”, then we think we might as well leave!

We would much more likely want to answer (and save the love, gain hope and courage): “Yes, I can trust you again!”. 

But we can’t.

At least not right away.

Not while our hurt feelings are still raw.

We need time to work through it.

When we’re in the middle of it – desperate, frustrated, tearful –  we can’t deal with all our questions and feelings.

We forget that R-I-G-H-T now, we are in no frame of mind to really objectively decide if we can trust again.

We drive ourselves mad as we keep asking ourselves over and over whether we can trust again.

The only way to really know is to stop thinking about it incessantly. The only way the answer can come to you is by staying in the relationship.

Of course not if it’s the 7th time your partner has failed you!

(Or if the person couldn’t care less about you, your feelings or your well-being – then you should leave. Now!)

But if it’s the first time and you’re not sure whether to stay or go, then I’d recommend you stay and give it some time!

Because either you build trust in a relationship or not. So if you have any doubt, then give it some time. See what direction it takes, evaluate, talk with your partner, and pay attention to what you feel deep inside.

You cannot think yourself to a yes or a no, it’s something you feel, and you can gain experience over time showing you whether or not you can trust your loved one.

Again.

But it requires ONE thing from you!

The ONE thing YOU need to do, to get trust back into the relationship!

That you stay in the relationship.

Because if you leave the relationship then you’ll never know whether you could learn to trust your partner again.

So the more suitable answer might be:

“No, I don’t trust my partner right now, which is completely understandable given the current shitty situation. But I’ve decided to give it a chance and see if I can learn to trust again in time. If I 6 months, I still have not been able to bring myself to trust my partner, then I’ll think about what I need to do.”

Of coures, your partner ALSO needs to work on things.

7 points to consider to rebuild trust in your relationship

Here are 7 points for you both to consider if you want to rebuild the trust.

1) Has your partner assumed responsibility for the pain they caused and sincerely apologised and you know they meant it?

2) Can you talk about what happened?

3) Does your partner want to help you work through things?

4) Do you generally function well?

5) Can you figure out why this betrayal or transgression happened in the first place and are you working on preventing it from happening again?

6) Have you talked about how breaches of trust take TIME often a LONG time to mend? (it’s not done in 3 months)

7) Do you feel sincere care for your feelings from your partner?

The more “no’s” you answer to these questions, the longer and harder the rebuilding of trust and forgiveness process will be. In some cases it’s impossible.

But if you both sincerely want to help repair the damage and restore trust and are willing to do the work over time, then you will.

I promise you! Take care of you till next time.

Love,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with private clinic since 2006 – Read about Maj here <—

When forgiveness is nowhere near enough – what to do? – Get help here