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Relationship questions for MajIf you have a question to ask sexologist and couple’s therapist Maj Wismann, you’re more than welcome to write to her right here on Majwismann.com

Her Q&A handles everything from love to sex and relationship questions.

Because I receive A LOT of questions every single week, I unfortunately am unable to guarantee that you receive an answer to your question, but I will do whatever I can to try and keep up and to answer as many questions as I possibly can.

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When you’ve done that, you ask your question about relationship, love and/or sexuality in the comment section.

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I’m so excited to answer your question and help you move on with your relationship, your love life or your sex life.

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Love,
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and relationship therapist since 2006

 

 

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43 Comments

  1. Bandar K Alabbas

    Good morning, me and my wife broke up and I need to get back to her. I have talked to her and about how to fix the issues, then we started texting and we had long conversation about future, it was a good talk warm and nice. After we finish she started texting me about how I check other woman in front of her. I told her I have change all the things we talked a bout even this I will not let it happen again. Please you are my only hope to help me with my wife to get back together. I beg you to help me and respond. I am without her nothing. I love her so much. Please I really need you to help me

    Reply
  2. M.are

    Hi Maj,

    Mines a freaking doozy. I don’t even know where to begin actually. I guess I’ll begin like this. Me and my husband have been married about 1 year and 6 months now. But we’re been dating for about 8 years. We’re high school sweet hearts. And even tho he had few girlfriends before me he was actually my first boyfriend. Anyways. Throughout our relationship I’ve noticed he tends to look at other women. At one point early on in our relationship he messaged all his exs reminiscing about their time together while he was dating me. Reminding them about them dating. And later he would message girls on Craigslist trying to hook up. I never confronted him. And I still have never said anything to him to him. But I let myself forget about that because I don’t know why now. I think I was just scared to be called a snoop. And now I find myself in the sam pickle. Now that we’re married I once asked him if he ever looked at other women and/or porn. I’ve decided to be open with him and say porn is okay and such and that I wouldn’t even mind watching it together some day. He didn’t say anything to that but he was very insistent that since we were married he made a commitment to me and if he was just gonna look at other girls he wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Now imagine my surprise when I notice he’s been looking up women almost every night. Minimum at least 3-4 times a week. And sometimes he’ll still look women up on Craigslist. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to bring it up. Every time I’ve found out I come across his actions by accident. And then when I start looking for real I see all of what he’s been doing. And it just hurts because he lied to me. He lied even after I said it would be okay. I’d rather him be honest but he keeps doing this to me and I don’t really know what to do.

    Reply
  3. RoseM

    Hi Maj,

    Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and i would say we have a very strong relationship. The question i have is: is it normal for your boyfriend to talk about other girls with their friends, usually with rather sexual undertones and sometimes just plain sexually?

    My boyfriend has new friends who he hangs around with in his course he is doing, and they always talk about the other girls within their course, their looks and they often give zero thought to the girls feelings, they just objectify them. I’m already quite self-conscious and insecure with myself and this makes me feel much more so.

    I confronted my partner and told him that it made me uncomfortable and he denied it and hid evidence of any gawking- he’d shown me his phone once and i saw that him and his friends sent each other photos and messages of these girls they know. He told me it was ‘nothing,guys do it’, and while i know that he would never ever cheat, it still makes me feel upset. He stopped talking this way about girls while on break but hes only 3 days back in his course and hes back at it again.

    How do i talk to him without him thinking i’m being crazy and over jealous? Is this normal for all guys?
    thanks

    Reply
  4. Anjali

    this is not everytime he does when we make out, but sometimes when we are having sex my husband wants to see videos like playboy/hot girls photoshoot/a hot girls image/something like that. i will not mind if he will watch porn but it makes me very uncomfortable and insecure when he does that. But this is also true he will never check out girls on road.
    And also he will ask me before he watches it.i don’t know what to say.
    i am very confused & also very stressed thinking, is he not sexually happy with me?

    please clear my confusion 🙁

    Reply
  5. Carolyn

    Hi
    I have been with my fiancé for 4 years now and say the 1st year in a half I never say him look and checking other women but now that’s all he’s seem to do even when I’m with him he is consistently looking and checking out other younger females 24/7 — 7 days a week like here’s perfect sample explain him if we go to the mall or something and he happens to see hot female he’ll literally miss 10-15 parking spots just so he can park by her so he can check her out right in front of me he opens doors for other women and he will even wait for them to come to the door and all the movies we watch sometimes I wonder if there are mini pron because all movies are is boobs ass & pussy All the time he tells me I’m jealous he’s stop having sex with me our sex life has drastically dropped he tells me that I imagine him looking and checking out other females cause he says he’s not at all doing this I feel like I’m not good enough I feel im not what he really truly wants even though he’s tells me I’m everything he wants and he can’t figure out why I get upset or mad he can’t understand that it hurts me he has told me before if I ever saw him looking at another female it was only because they were unique something unique caught his attention like really I’m not stupid the reason hes looking is because they’re hot they blow me all the water but he tells me I’m jealous I have no competition I’m only woman for him but he’s consistently looking and checking out other females he says he doesn’t care about sex doesn’t want sex he’s going to be 49 but that is true then why is he consistently looking and checking out the younger females and DOSENT just look once he looks to three times with the same female and he wonders why I have no self-esteem or self-confidence and consistently put myself down he can’t figure that out I need help i’m going to explode I need someone to talk to you can you please talk to me

    Reply
  6. Celia

    if my husband see a girl that looks good from the back he does everything in his power to hang about until he can see her face. My husband is a couple of months off Sixty if the young woman was walking by i would overlook it does any one else have this problem.

    Reply
    • Alfee

      Hi Celia, I noticed the same problem with my now ex-boyfriend. It got really bad. We would go somewhere and he would start immediately looking at all the women like they were live stock. Some of the tricks he would play would be to slow down walking so I would be ahead of him so he could look behind my back. He would also see women walking by and then make an excuse to show me something in there line of walk so he could get another look. If we were out eating and you had to pay at the counter and the counter girl was pretty, he would get up to pay before I was ready, so he could flirt before I got there. When I said something to him, he would pretend like he doesn’t remember looking at anyone. It didn’t matter if the lady was by herself, with her boyfriend or husband or even with her dad or family. I started paying attention and age was just about not a limit. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but it is just disrespectful. When my 20yr old daughter’s friend came over while we were leaving and he leaned forward to check her out at the door as we were pulling off, that was just creepy to me and I had to let him go. It got to the place where I didn’t want to go anywhere with him because I knew I would leave feeling bad. I’m like you, I can overlook him looking at women in passing because we all look at people, but the tricks to get looks just got sad. Wish I knew what in his personality caused him to continue to try that.

      Reply
  7. Pearl

    Hi. I have been married to my husband for 3 years now. Most of the time he does appreciate me and he tells me am his soulmate. However there are times I feel that he’s rude towards me in his words. He has spoken of few of his past relationships and he had met these women on a matrimonial website… and yes they were prettier than me. But it just so happened that he met me on this website as well and we got married. Just few months back one of those women tried to contact him via email. He had replied to her in a polite manner that he was already married to me and wasn’t interested in her. But the woman kept writing to him trying to meet him. And in his last reply he did agree to meet her. But when I found out about his emails he told me he wasn’t interested in her and wasn’t planning to meet her.

    But I realised that in all his replies to her he had been polite and never said anything like ‘can u stop writing to me’ or ‘ pls don’t contact me.’ He just kept replying her. It seemed as though he had a soft spot for her.

    And sometimes when we both have conversations he easily gets mad with me and doesn’t even think twice before saying things that could hurt my feelings.
    After he argues he also remains angry with me for many days.

    It seems like when it comes to me he thinks he can talk or argue however he wants, but I feel like when it comes to outsiders or friends from his past, especially women, he is more polite and gives more respect for them.

    Could this be because they are more prettier than I am? Are men generally polite towards prettier women than to their wives?

    Reply
  8. makenzie thompson

    hi maj,
    so there’s this new girl in my group of guys and she keeps taking them from me. they tell me that she is trying to “get rid of me forever” and that they are her guys. it makes me pissed off at her. first of all one of the guys is my bf. She tells them bad things about me, SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ME. how do I stop this????????

    Reply
  9. Brandon

    I just discovered your site and found that your advice is solid and fair. Its clearly designed for women though so perhaps I shouldn’t even be writing here. But a few men have so here goes.
    To ever discern wisdom about ANY issue, a person has to first step away from the “Its all about me” position. Nothing is “all about you” or ALL about anybody. If its about a relationship, then its automatically about at least TWO people. Both have value. And, regardless of what your girlfriends tell you, if you don’t take into consideration what your man is thinking, you will never find a real answer to your problem.
    I’m afraid that, despite Maj’s attempt to be fair, the little cartoons of google-eyed men reveals that she still panders to the stereotype of men. I realize that upset women probably like those pictures but they do harm and don’t help. I am in my sixties and have observed that there are two kinds of women in the world – good women and not-so-good women. And, likewise, there are good men and not-so-good men. Is there anybody out there who would seriously argue with this logic?? Isn’t it pretty basic? Didn’t you see this in kindergarten even? Some kids were nice, some were not. Gender IS NOT THE ISSUE.
    And so, for me the reason I was even on this site is because I’ve been in a close relationship with a woman for nearly a year. We’ve talked about marriage. I absolutely adore this woman in so many ways. We laugh a lot together. We are kind to each other’s families. We attend church together and we pray together. With all those considerations, I’d be very much ready to propose. So, here’s the problem.
    She has a real problem with staring at other men when we are out on a date. I’m a successful professional man and stay in fairly good condition. I am interested in her work, ask about her family members regularly, take her to nice places. But this keeps coming up. We were at one restaurant and, while seated and eating, the manager with whom she had been locking eyes all evening actually came up and asked if he could buy her a drink. (Still think its my imagination?)
    Each time I’ve tried to talk to her about it, she gets defensive, says it didn’t happen and accuses me of being “controlling.” (You know, ladies, that term that is quickly tossed out any time a man has an opinion on ANY subject.)
    We had the last discussion yesterday. I told her that, even though I fully love her, I can’t be married to a person who has this inclination of eye flirting with other men in my presence. It is simply disrespectful to me and it encourages disrespect for her from those other men.
    So I welcome any thoughts about this. A quick internet search will reveal that this is NOT an isolated problem. It happens a lot with sneaky men staring at women but just as much with women who see no problem with flirting while with their own man. At this point, I feel that, since she won’t admit it or talk about it honestly, there isn’t much hope for a marriage. That’s sad because I so admire her in every other way.
    It was pointed out on this site that, if the offender won’t admit the offense, then there isn’t much chance of it changing. So I’m not encouraged at this point since she insists it doesn’t happen.
    I welcome any fair objective comments or suggestions. Hopefully, the bashers who tell themselves that ANY problem in a relationship is automatically the “man’s fault” will abstain from comments. However, I do appreciate any remarks from those who do remember the kindergarten lesson: Some people are good, some are not so good. Applies to both men and women.

    Reply
  10. Rohit Mahato

    Hello Sir, I am male of 24 years. I have had sex with a non-virgin. I have no experience of sex with a virgin. My question is, Is there any difference between having sex with a virgin and non-virgin, especially in terms of physical and psychological aspects for men.

    Reply
  11. Sandra Olijnyk

    Hello,
    I’ve been married for 30 years and I just found out a year ago that my husband has been involved in cyber sex for over 12 years and pornography for as long as we have been married with it becoming a problem within a few years of marriage. He had phone sex when we had been married about four years and I was devastated and shocked. He claimed he would not do that ever again. After seven years of marriage I found porn videos in our house…the very night I went into labor with our first child to boot! I was so angered. Its been a hard marriage. He kept it all hidden and underground for many years. Going on sites to cybersex when I was sound asleep and the kids were in bed. He said sometimes he would wake up at three in the morning to do this. He also went online for cybersex at work so that I would not find out He went on the site Ashley Madison to cyberchat. I have logs from the site and 68% of his time cyber chatting was done at work! He could have jeopardized our financial situation if caught. He has seen a therapist and has been officially diagnosed as a sex addict. Just so upset and disgusted by him. He is not the man I thought I married. He has led a double life for almost as long as I have known him. It is awful. I now understand why so much of the time I felt lonley. It has affected me so much that I am now irritable and not myself.

    Reply
  12. The Sensitive One

    Hi Maj,

    Having had issues earlier regarding the same matter, it still pops up every now and then.

    Couple of years ago, I had found out that my husband was hooked onto FB checking out my friends and his ex girlfriends. It so happened that when I confronted him, he bluntly denied saying it must have just opened though he was stalking them almost everyday. This hurt me. I understand some people look different and beautiful. But this broke me as I just had a baby at that time. So this war went on for a year and now I just don’t trust him like I used to. Mainly cos he was dishonest. Even to this date he denies everything. Says that I’m assuming. It’s not a big crime but recently I was on instagram and was flipping the images and her picture opened up and a friend who was curious, checked her picture out to which my husband responded, show him the other pictures of her. He will be really happy to see her. My heart just sank there. I don’t know if he will ever understand what i am going through. I tried making him understand that it hurts me when he checks out my friends and his other exs. Though he doesn’t do it front of me, I bet he checks them out on social network or any other platform. I don’t understand his urge to see them and the way his eyes light up when he views their images. Am I not good enough? Do I lack something? Will he ever tell me the truth? Will this ever stop?

    Reply
  13. Thunder

    Long story…. 18 months ago my husband left for the ow. He pretended to move into a flat with a friend and his son(18 from first marriage). We been together 14 years. He is 50. I am 41 and we got a daughter (10). During the first 8 months of our separation he was telling me we will make it throught and we will grow old together and he didnt want to tell his family we separated. Little did i know that during that time his flamate was the ow.. after i find out we decided we wanted to be friends.. i offered to be amicable with the ow for our d sake. Anyway for about 6 months he lied to me about their relationship. Saying he couldnt pop in to see our d cuz the ow would give him grief. Basically always using her as a excuse. We again had a talk and she was there. We both find out he lied to us. She decided to stick with him and put some bounderies in place. Since then he turned mean and cold and distant.. going from we will be friend cuz i want it( said that after that talk 4 weeks ago) to amicable and civil we wi be..what changed.. i havent bad mouth him or send him long texts or anything.. he keep trying to get away with his lies as fir a example i gave him so paper work to take his name off a joint bill( ow aas there as she is always there at pick up and dropp off) and he was like i thought he was already taken out.. no it wasnt and u knew that.. or it will be a i forgot about it. Or a i must have confused it witb something else.. i still dont get his change un attitude or how he can just put all thise years we had and discard them as they didnt mean nothing..i know i shiuldnt care but why this ow stay with him? Knowing he lied to her? And yes i am angry right now and there is a part of me that wish that their relationship wont work not because i want him back no.. more like a why should they be happy together after all the hurt they created??

    Reply
  14. Damian

    Hi Maj
    I am a young guy I’m 20years old and I have the most amazing girlfriend I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We are currently working together and traveling. I’ve been addicted to porn since I was 13 years old and with that society has made women out to be an object on every add that is shown to us, and this is where my problem comes in I’ve stopped watching porn and my girlfriend knows about everything we have one rule and that is honesty. I always tell the truth even though I know it’ll hurt her! I struggle to stop looking at girls when we go out or to the beach or wherever and I’ve told her this. Social media is also a problem for me because even if u don’t look there are girls in bikinis everywhere and it’s difficult. I’m tired of hurting her because I love her so much and that is what I told her. I know it is not natural or an instinct and I’m not sure what to do to stop?

    Reply
  15. Clint

    Hi,
    I’m a 17 year old from England. My girlfriend, 16, is from Spain. We met each other online, and have the best time together since last 6 months. We talk through Snapchat and Instagram, and of course we would like to actually be with each other, but this is what we have for now.
    We do sexting and tease each other like every other teenager does.
    But last night, she said that she didn’t want to talk about sexual things for a couple of days. I said it was okay, and asked if she wanted to talk about the reason, so that I could avoid it in the future. She was reluctant to tell me, and assured me that the reason had nothing to do with me.
    After a while of convincing, she told me that her grandfather tried to touch her that morning. Now she comes from a fairly wealthy background, and I was shocked to hear that. She continued that her grandfather came to her room in the morning when she was sleeping.
    These are her messages (she speaks Spanish and the quotes are translated from Spanish):

    “I was sleeping and my grandad came to the room.
    He said “I want to make you kisses” and I said okay because i’m always kissing him on his cheek like everyone does.
    But then he started kissing my neck
    I was naked so i tried to cover myself with the sheets but I couldn’t
    Then he started kissing my breasts.
    And then he started touching my nipples
    And he said “do you like what i’m doing”?
    And I said “no haha” so he stopped
    And then he said
    “And do you like if I touch your ass?”
    I tried to avoid him all the day
    When my dad caressed me I got a terrible chill and I was about to cry
    But I didn’t
    Now i’m scared
    I can’t sleep in my bed
    I’m going to sleep with my sister
    I’m scared
    Now i get chills even when I have a shower
    Now my sister has to be Next to me in the shower because now i’m scared to have a shower alone
    I hate my life
    You’re the only person who knows it”

    I didn’t know what to say after that. I literally replied that. She hasn’t seen my messages yet.
    I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know what to say to her.
    She doesn’t live with her grandfather. She’s just away for now with her father in her beach house.
    This isn’t the first time she has faced something like this. Earlier when she used to live with her mom (her parents are divorced) in the countryside, an old man once tried to get close to her when she was out, but she shrugged him off. And the other time is when she was at a fair, some guy tried to take her away and tried to get on her, but she shouted for help and people came and beat him.
    Now this is completely different. I just don’t know what to do. It’s her grandfather! I don’t know what to tell her. The previous two times I could talk to her. But not now!
    I genuinely care about her, and I just hope there’s something I can I do to help her.
    Any advice from you would be so much appreciated .
    Thank you

    Reply
  16. Alfee

    My boyfriend would time from time sit up and notice a girl or woman walking or standing. It didn’t happen often so I ignored it. Then he came back from a training class with a co-worker that he talked about over the phone about looking at girls. When he got back, it all went down hill. He just stopped in front of me and checked a girl out who was walking with her boyfriend or husband. He stared at her until they were out of his site. I was so shocked, I was speechless. I was hurt and embarrassed. I said something to him in the car and he swore he didn’t remember doing that. I asked how can you pay that much attention to someone and not remember? So we got over it and moved on, then things just got worse. He would see a girl, stop me and talk about something until she walked by so he could look at her. He would see pretty young kid (to me)and do whatever he had to do to check her out. He’s 50 and these kids were 20 if that. The final straw was when he checked out my 20yr old daughter’s friend as we were driving off and she was at our door waiting for my daughter to let her in. After that, I just thought this guy is sick. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him like a fair or college football game, in fear of him getting caught checking out someone he truly didn’t. I don’t have a habit of looking at men, so I don’t understand the problem. We have broken up over it. He still doesn’t believe he does this. I’m not sure if I should try to help him or just let him go. Does anyone know what causes this behavior?

    Reply
  17. Lizzie

    I have a boyfriend.
    And i don’t really know who to turn to …

    He says he is not crazy about social media and hardly had time for it… But when i go in facebook he will always be online and same with whatsapp as well… But he is not communicating with me… I did ask him about this and the answer i get is “ill talk to you when i want to”… So this is problem number 1.

    Then when we are together. It all is great… But he notices every other woman in the room.. The other night we had a braai at a friend of mine who is also in a relationship. While eating i found my boyfriend staring at her non stop… He hardly touched his food. When all of us where done eating, he didn’t even eat half his food. After eating, we played pool and he kept cheering her on and complimenting her on her cooking….

    I don’t know how to address this matter or what to think…he and his friends constantly send pictures of other woman to each other… Including naked photos…. This really makes me uncomfortable … Please please please i need advise. I love this guy with all my heart and i want to end up spending my life with him… I just don’t know if i want to spend my life competing with other womelan just for him to notiice me too like he does the other woman

    Reply
  18. Denise

    I met a guy online, less then a month ago. We hit it all very well, where he tole me that he ca ought feeling and he even may have fallen in love with me. He was very attentive and made sure to make me smile and happy. Like most people I ask several question some was around sex, and how important it is to him. Next thing I knew, he sent me a text stating that he believes that intimacy is full circle and he cannot give me that and do not think he can proceed in a relationship. I was hurt and angry by this news I text him several time and even sent him a message from the online dating site we both was on. Later that day he blocked me from everything, so I went a little crazy and made a fake online dating account and spoke with him that way. he then told the fake person that he felt that I wanted to have sex way to fast and I could not hold an intelligent conversation…. He and I text over 7,000 text message in less the a month. Even after hearing all of this, I still want to talk with him and clear the air and maybe try and work on moving forward, or should I just leave it alone and move on. I love him and want to be with him.

    Reply
  19. loo

    Maj, are you from the USA? I ask because there are many typos in the newsletter I just received. I am having trouble believing you are real. I would think that if English is not your first language that you would have someone else proof read your material before it is published online.

    I was tempted to enroll in you online class until I saw this, now I am skeptical that you may be a fraud site.

    Reply
    • Maj Wismann

      Hi Loo
      Yes I amn real 😀 Try to google me or find me on social media 😀 I´m sorry that that is your experience because I actually have one hired to proof read 🙁 Can I ask what newsletter you found typos in?
      Best,
      Maj

      Reply
      • Tekin Bora

        May I ask you question please if you don’t mind can low dopamine cause premature ejaulation because I have got extreme PE problem since 17 years old I believe something wrong with me genetically I’m 44 years old now thanks for help

        Reply
  20. Simone

    Hi Maj
    Thank you for the time to read my message i am clearly feeling upset and feel indifferent. My husband of 12 years pays extra attention and looks at women that are very attractive. Whether it be at a function, party, or with friends, if there is a female that is above average in looks, his whole demeaner changes, he lights up even more, becomes extremely animated towards the woman and pays her more attention that is normal. People have commented to me like ‘your husband is so lovely’ its a bit much. There have been instances when ive had to distance myself from very attractive friends of mine, as i feel so embarrassed and inadequate when he is doing this. The other night we were at an outdoor music concert together we were having such a lovely time, it was quite romantic he was paying me lots of attention. Then this really attractive woman was close to us and i noticed he was really looking at her even trying to make eye contact, he was quite intoxicated and even mentioned that she looked very drunk as he couldnt make eye contact when i confronted him with it on the way home he denied even saying so. Its not a constant occurring but when it happens it makes me very upset. We had a chat about it and he says hes not aware that he does that and felt sad, im wondering if he’s just lying as he s embarrassed, he s 50 years old and im 55, our relationship is fine, except for this instance which is quite embarrassing and i find inappropriate. I have discussed counselling and hes agreed to try to stop the behaviour and even will go to counselling about it, its all fine of course, but the hurt its done and i keep replaying the incident in my mind with questions like why? etc, his father was an incredulous flirt and actually had affairs with women, i brought this up and he understands that past behaviours can come up that are unresolved. Is he really unaware that he does this, or is he lying saying that he doesnt realise because hes embarrassed

    Thanking you for the opportunity to write to you in this regards

    Reply
  21. Anthem

    Hey Maj, my question isn’t entirely about relationships and sex it’s more just about issues that I create myself and things that I deal with as an individual that effect my relationship daily. I was wondering if maybe we’d be able to email? I don’t know how this works I don’t really do things like this. Thank you.

    Reply
  22. Frosty

    I have a problem with my boyfriend of looking at girls and getting attracted to them. He said that it is a normal thing cause men are born woth strong hormones. But I dont understand something. Not really sure. Yes men are born with this strong hormones but cant you just control it? Just stop looking at other girls and say that they are attractive. He told me also that once he sees the “attractive girls” his emotions stirs him up first and say “ahhh she is attractive” and this happens everyday. I dont like this and it is truely uncomfortable for me to be in this situation. Can somebody explain to me why this should be agreeable to happen? I just dont understand cause I might just break up with him if he does not have the will to control himself.

    Reply
  23. Nava

    Hello,

    I am dated with a man who was married for 5 years.
    I love him so so much and he always said he loves me too and he will divorce soon. But now i discovered he said his wife he loves her and doesnt love me. But they didnt have sex and emotional relationship for last 3 years, he also didnt meet her wife for last one year and finally they got divorced 1 month ago and we are living together from 6 month ago.
    But now i discovered he always bought her ex wife jewelleries and other expensive presents but he never bought me things like that, I feel very insecure and think he doesnt love me as much as he loved his ex. I never financially dependent on him, i am working and have my own money but i always ask myself why he treated his ex better than me? He is 69 and I am 31, her ex is 39.But everyone say I am more beautiful than his ex. He also treat me very good and kind and loving in home and in bed, he is very passionate when we have sex, he desires me every time in home. Can you help me with this problem? I love him so much but if i continue to feel this way i have to breake up.

    Thank you,
    Nava

    Reply
  24. Nikki

    Hi Maj,

    Would truly appreciate your advice on this on… so I feel repulsed and terrified by the thought of my boyfriend seeing other girls naked, watching Porn, seeing attractive girls in general etc. In case he likes what he sees and I become not good enough. I have never found porn on his history (although I have found deleted history) but I feel if I ever did, I would be absolutely heartbroken and wouldn’t know if I could carry on being in the relationship. He has also went on holiday for a week with his friends last year and I had the worst anxiety and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t handle the thought of him seeing other girls on the beach or potentially meeting girls on a night out or whatever. Anytime he goes out without me I have this horrible feeling in my stomach,always sweat so much and never manage to sleep terrified of the uncertainty of what’s going on and who he is/could be with.
    He’s never cheated on me so I feel I may be carrying this fear from my past but it is absolutely killing me and affecting my relationship. I don’t understand why am I so afraid or where my fear comes from… I want to feel confident in my skin but I just seem to always look for things I could improve on myself to impress my boyfriend more. Just never seem to be happy and feel good enough in myself. Sometimes I have caught him looking at other girls which really doesn’t help but it was only a couple of times but even those 2 times left a massive impact on me.

    Is there a way I can get rid of this or at least improve on it? I don’t even know if this is fear or jealousy or lack of self esteem or all of those at the same time but it’s exhausting, it’s as if I can never relax anymore… would really appreciate your thoughts.

    Thank you in advance

    Reply
  25. Anonymous

    My husband sexts with more than 1 other women. When confronted he lied to me and continued to delete calls and msgs immediately. But i still have some proofs. When confronted he becomes violent saying i dont trust him, i am more important and blah blah. But i dont see that importance in his behaviour. Why does he do that? Is it time to move on? I have even asked him about this that im ready to move on. But he insists he loves me. But i cant trust him and he still continues to delete all logs.

    Reply
  26. Bontle

    Hi Maj, I am 47 years old dating a 35 years guy who says that he loves me so much and I must just feel free to love him without any doubt. I have a car and he doesn’t have car, there was an incident were he went to his ex-girlfriend without me knowing. Then the second time he went and give another ex-girlfriend a lift, then coming back he told the sister about what happened and he said his felt bad about what happed because he knows that I love him so much and how will I feel if I found out. Then again I went out with my daughter I left him with my car, to give him a befit of a doubt as he was complaining that I don’t trust him to him my car and drive around alone. So he went out to attend a wedding with his friend without me knowing, Then later in the evening I tried calling him to come fetch me, he didn’t answer my calls but I kept on calling, eventually he answered and I ask his whereabouts and why is not answering my calls and with whom is he with…Then he started mumbling and said no I am with friend so and so…then I said to him “please do me favour don’t drop the phone start the car and please come fetch me put that phone on Bluetooth and he wanted to explain to me that no his coming, so I insist that he must not drop the phone, immediately he dropped it. And my guards feelings were telling me that his with someone in the car and a female person which I was correct, he confessed later after 5 months. So he is working for a company which they go to work on Mondays then comes back Fridays during the day.

    My recent challenge is this days, we use to call each other every hour but at the time I was working he was not. But I use find my way out to talk to him, though it was not easy due to my work. So things were simple on his side and beside that when he started working, we will talk a lot when he wakes up, after taking a bath, on his way to get to the car,until he gets to the work gate and he will also tells me when he arrives. We will talk during tea break, lunch time after work on his way back home, even when they go to the mall he will let me know even after shopping or buying food. He will let me know before taking evening bath and also after. And even by the time we goes to bed, we will talk until we ran out of airtime. But lately no more ten times calls,sometimes when I call, he just cut me off and say he will call me later his busy with his friend at the Mall. Sometimes one to two hours will pass waiting for his call. Then I will asking him that why he did call me immediately after shopping. Then on Thursday he went to the mall to buy food, he call my number it just rang twice as I was about to answer he put the phone down. Then when I tried to returned the call immediately he didn’t answer. Then later again after twenty minutes I called again then he answered, and he started telling me that his buying Mc Donald and his colleague went to KFC so his waiting for them to fetch him and he will talk to me when he gets to his hotel room. Then after 5minutes the phone ring, it him calling me, but unfortunately he didn’t dial. The phone automatically dialled itself because the last dialled number it mine on his side. So I Kept on saying hello’ unfortunately there was no one talking and unfortunately I heard his excited voice talking. So I started to listen to his conversation, he was telling his friends that at Macdonld He bump into this other lady driving Renault and he asked her the telephone numbers, she gave him and even telling him that he can call anytime, So the colleague mood were all very high and I heard his room buddy saying to my boyfriend don’t worry if you want to bring her tomorrow don’t stress, I will move out of the room and she can come sleep. Unfortunately the phone went off, I think it was because of network. So when he gets to his room he ask if he could take a bath and will talk after, So I then I ask him immediately about what I heard. Then he started telling me long old stories that I don’t trust him and he said it before that I should trust him. So I was angry I called his sister to come witness what I am hearing over the phone, because three days before we had misunderstanding as I was crying so he called his sister the come talk to me because I said to him in the morning, I am moving out. Then the sister said I am very much disappointed how can you do such thing then he apologised and “say I was teasing my friend in the car”, I was not serious. And this thing of phone redialling my number its not the first time. The first time he said, he was approaching the stop sign then he saw a group of ladies and he sopped to complement one of them, which I heard every conversation.My question is how can I trust this person because got lots of things that his doing behind my back that makes me to be jealous and he turns around to say “please free to love me”. I just feel drained in this relationship which is ten months old relationship. Or do I feel insure because my age?

    Reply
  27. Unjay

    Hi Maj,
    Not a question, but I liked your article about 5 myths on beducated. However I noticed you wrote peaks and troths. The saying is peaks and troughs. Like waves. You pledge your troth (faithfulness, commitment).
    Signed
    Apostropher General

    Reply
  28. Kathy U

    KathyU
    I not sure what my problem is, because I never had a sex drive. Never care to date when I was a teenager. Now I am in my sixty with 32 years of marrage and my husband I are always fighting about sex. I just don’t want it and he does of course he a healthy man. My cycle was a drip for 3 days, never had cramps, also I was 17 before I even started getting my cycle. I was thinging about getting my hormon checks as I have very bad hot flashes. They put me on hormons but I went off becasuse I was afraid of blood clots, after my sister pass away from them. If you could suggest something I would appreciate it. Also never been into fantasies or make believe.

    Reply
  29. Daniel Gill

    I have a dirty pantie fetish I told my wife she said I’m sick now hides her panties and won’t have sex I need to get off been months now I can’t get off with out dirty panties what do I do and am I weird

    Reply
  30. Mike

    My wife went “shopping “ She had her rings on when she left. She came home and they were off. I found them in her purse. I asked later where they were and she said she didn’t know then the next day she said my daughter was playing with them and they were in my daughters jewelry box. I confronted her and she denied everything. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
    She was not at a tanning salon or anywhere that would require her to take off her rings. I’m assuming she is having an affair

    Reply
  31. M

    My partner looks at porn, looks up nude pictues of celebraties on a regular basis and lies to me about it. He said he doesn’t need that smut anymore as I satisfy all his desires however our sex life is challenged as he seems to have difficulty with performance even though I am a very ‘giving’ partner. When he has been more ‘excited’, i’ve found he has watched porn earlier that day. My other issue is the kind of porn and images he is looking at as they are so young, often teenagers but more than that, the lies. I have only confronted him once with evidence and he flat out lied and then proceded to make me feel bad about it. He is very flirtacious with female friends…im not sure I can trust him. I don’t believe the rubbish about men being hard wired this way so we have to accept it. Yes, men like to look but its one thing to look and another to lust after someone and also to then masturbate to their image. The whole evolution excuse is simply excusing men for poor behaviour. Cave men didn’t have porn, werent bombarded with sexual images etc. If we go down the evolutionary pathway of excuses then why haven’t men moved past the need to find a suitable mating partner based on their looks? It has been argued that visual attraction to women was for the purpose of finding a suitable mate to produce healthy offspring…we have medical science to support us now so why haven’t men evolved? I have shared on a number of occassions how living in a world bombarded with images is very difficult as I am left feeling very insecure about my own looks. This is compounded when he ogles over other women. He is very affectionate towards me but I feel this is a barrier between us and I’m not sure how to deal with it if he continues to lie to me. Thanks for listening

    Reply
  32. Josie

    Dear Maj,
    I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years now, and we have been in each others lives for more than 20 years. Our relationship did not start on the right foot. He was dating someone and planned to ask her to marry him. I was in the beginning stages of dating someone, but I knew it was not going to go anywhere. He and I worked together and there was a very strong connection between us which started out as friends. One thing lead to another and we became much more than friends, even though he still was with his girlfriend and he actually married her. We still continued to see each other. I know it was not right, I always had considered myself someone who would not be the “other” woman.
    I tried to move on, date other men but each time he called me I could not say no. This went on for 5 years. I wanted him to choose me, but I could not communicate this to him and I felt that it was not my place to. He also did not communicate his feelings towards me, which I took as he wanted to keep things the way they were. I did meet a nice guy and started a friendship. We always went out in group settings but I did eventually sleep with him one time. After a few weeks I knew the relationship was not right. I could never get my “other” man out of my head. I told my “other” man about that relationship and he was very upset. He said that he was very up front with me about his situation and I lied to him about what I did. We continued to see one another, but I eventually moved home to care for my mother who was in ill health.

    About two years of having no contact with my now boyfriend, he called me up one day. I am not sure how he remembered my cell phone #. I found out that he moved to another state with his wife and two sons, but it was not working out the way he hoped. He missed his family and he missed me. Long story short…we are together, planning our life…me moving to the state he lives in and us finally being able to be together. He has met my entire family and I have met his. He is still married, but they are now separated but they want to keep the boys in a happy environment.

    He still brings up the past and the person I slept with. It comes out of the blue…we will be ok and then boom….he wants to talk about it. I have apologized for hurting him (even though he was married to another woman). I told him that I can’t live in the past that I can only ask for forgiveness and move forward.

    How do I get him to stop bringing up an event that happened over 15 years ago?

    I love him and I want to be with him. He loves me but for some reason can’t get this out of his head.

    Reply
  33. Daniel F

    Hello Maj,

    Hope you are doing well.

    I require help with my current relationship.

    My girlfriend says that I check out other girls, even when she is around.
    However I do not remember doing any such thing. So when she confronts me, I come off as a liar.
    I already know that it’s disrespectful to her and I would feel hurt if she did the same to me. I don’t like to tell lies because it’s much easier to maintain the truth. And I don’t have any intention of checking out other girls as I am not interested looking elsewhere.
    She , however says that I do look and that too with intention. I feel like I might be having some mental issues here and might need some psychological/psychiatric help. Or is there some way to condition my mind not to subconsciously do this?
    PS: I do not want to conclude that my girlfriend is paranoid, without first confirming that Im not the culprit here.

    Warm Regards

    Reply
  34. sofia

    hi maj

    hope you are doing well

    i required help with my current relationship

    For the past month, my boyfriend always be up under other women Instagram profiles looking at their half naked photos. It obviously hurt me because i don’t have as much curve as them. I talked to him about it and he said he’ll stop. Days have past and multiple times I’ve caught him. I told him when you love someone and you are doing something that hurt them you’ll change because you want them to be happy and not to be insecure about you, he said he’ll change let me give him time. Eventually he stop doing it on Instagram he’s doing it on pinterest. He told me that he browse whatever catches his interested. Yesterday i caught him looking at fucking whores and sex brazzers on pinterest, i felt hurt to know he’s looking at other women photos because its causing problem when it come to our sexual life because I’m insecure about him and when he be looking at things like that to me he be fantasizing over the photos and when its time to have sex i feel like he does be imagining its he women that he would normally look at and not me. He know the things he be doing hurts me very much i just don’t understand why he’s doing this to me. I really love him and he knows that, sometimes i think he’s taking advantage over the love i got for him that’s why he won’t stop. If you could suggest something for me i would very much appreciate it.

    Reply
  35. Melissa

    I had been with my (now ex-) boyfriend for 11 months, but then he told me he wanted to break up with me. He had been on sertraline as an antidepressant, which works on serotonin, but he came off that in November, primarily because of my urging, to see what it would do to his practically non-existent sex drive. Answer: nothing.

    But now, he has an appointment with a psychiatrist in the next two days to go back on another antidepressant, Wellbutrin, which I really have high hopes for in terms of increasing his dopamine levels, and consequently, his sex drive. My question is: do you think I have reason to hope that this will change his feelings about the entire relationship, and lead to his wanting to get back together? And also, is there anything I can do to facilitate this?

    ***”sex drive” is a euphemism, not only for “desire to have sex”, but also feelings/actions of affection and/or romance.

    Reply
  36. Anon

    Hi Maj,
    I have been with my boyfriend 8yrs. We met in high school and dated when we were 21. I lost my virginity to him. Everyone always says how perfect we are for each other and we both believe it too. But he does something that is so hard for me to get over that I am now contemplating whether or not I should be with him still. I know men save pictures of other women to their phone like porn stars and this bugged me at first. But I know that men have stronger sexual instincts so I learned to deal with it. I had a hard past with my father and he was unfaithful to my mom and my step dad was also unfaithful to her. So my mind does swirl when this happens. I know he saves these pictures because I snooped his phone which I know is a no no but women’s intuition proved to me that he was hiding this from me. Now I got over that until last night when something told me to look and I found pictures of a coworker on his cell. Taken from her Facebook. She has a bf and they never talk, that I believe. He works with 1000 people in a building and has no women friends except our mutual ones. I confronted him last night and he reassured me he doesn’t know her or talk to her and in fact was so mad I thought he was cheating because he would never. He gets upset when our friends do that or even in movies. Now I believe him. He hasn’t given me reasons not to except now. He had to get close enough to see her name on their work badges then took the effort to Facebook her and save pictures. Today is my 30th birthday and I can’t eat or sleep. I love him with all my heart and want to believe that he wouldn’t pursue anything but knowing how much this bugs me and the fights we have had not to mention the trauma from my childhood with trust and many other things I thought he would just save porn stars and never people he could talk to if he wanted or see everyday. How am I suppose to go back to work Monday and know he is in the same building as this person. Please help me to understand whats going on here and how I should deal with it or advice to get me through. He tells me he loves only me and I know he even bought an engagement ring this year but this is so confusing. He tells me I’m beautiful but when this happens I feel ugly and not good enough for him. They are so different looking than me that it weakens any confidence I do have. Thank you!!

    Reply
  37. Angie Owens

    My husband and I have been together almost 17 years, but only married 6 years of the 17.We have 2 children ages 12 and 8.The reason I am asking for advice is I feel like our sex life has gone down hill on us, everything was fine up until he spent 2 years in prison and when he come home, our sex life started down hill little at a time for example in the past we had a very active sex life and now it sometimes is 3 months in between our intimate times, and I started feeling like he wasn’t attracted to me anymore or has done lost interest. And it started causing alot of emotional stress for me, my self esteem began to drop, I felt like I wasnt good enough, but during this time , every so often I would try to have intercourse with him and he would just brush me off or push me away and actually get angry with me and tell me to leave him the %”@& alone. Until it caused me and him to be in a heated argument and he would tell me “as long as I bother him, he wasn’t gonna have sex with me. Then along came excuses like its hard for him to bc of spending time in prison, 2 years. Then another excuse would be it’s not me, and then he would say it’s bx of his health issues. So just about a week ago he started mentioning about having another female to join us in intercourse., I was like astonished, heartbroken and all the above, he told me to find a female, he also began to tell me what he wanted to happen. My question is does this mean that he is not into me anymore or doesn’t find me attractive and it will take another female joining us to get him aroused. Because I told him that I didn’t want to do this because it would break my heart with alot of emotions and thoughts going through my mind. I believe if I allow this to happen, it will be a total nightmare for me and would haunt me for days, weeks, months and years to come. I feel it would be at the back of my mind permately. So is this exactly what I am feeling, UNATTRACTIVE or what, please help

    Reply
  38. S.LN

    Hey!I am 25 years old and just recently lost my virginity (3 months ago) and since on sex is not fun. I have feeling in my clit and enjoy that but when it comes to my vagina or penetration its either very painful and in a weird pressure feeling or a feeling of nothing. Is this normal? Is my vagina broken for it to feel numb. I don’t get any good tingly feelings. I want to be able to make my man happy but also a little selfish and would like to enjoy the act as well. I am panicking a little not going to lie and feel like something is wrong with me. IS there anyway to get more feeling or learn to enjoy it. Any tips would be helpful.

    Reply
  39. Siany

    Hi maj would you say that there is nothing wrong with your partner talking to other women on Facebook and telling them that they are good looking and could get anybody while you’re sitting with them and this is in every message he replied back and when I confronted him he said they were just friends but they are 13 years younger than him

    Reply
  40. Esmee

    Dear Maj,
    I have a problem in my relationship.

    I have some serious trust issues about my boyfriend. I love him, he loves me and we have had a serious relationship for about 2 years now. But there is just some feeling in my gut that i can’t let go. I just don’t trust him.

    Everytime he goes out with friends i get jealous, when he talks to girls i get jealous, etc. And i’m not even a jealous person. He’s just… withholding information about everything. And he doesn’t seem to think withholding information is bad. He lies to me, when i ask if he can stop party smoking for me he said he would change, but he didn’t change. When i asked him to sent a message to a friend of his to stop shoving girls in his face when he is drunk, he said he sent the text but he didn’t sent it (i checked, i know i shouldn’t snoop but i just don’t trust him).
    Etc. Etc.
    When we had a conversation when i told him i didn’t trust him, we eventually landed on the topic of him or me kissing another person. He said it wasn’t cheating and didn’t get it when i said it would shatter my heart when he kissed another person. It’s nothing “special”.

    I hate this. I hate feeling like this. But i don’t want to break up with him. I love him too much. Can you please help me? I’m desperate and don’t know what to do.

    Love,

    Esmee
    (sorry for my broken english, it’s not my first language)

    Reply

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