Are you the wisest person in your relationship?
“The person with the lowest sex drive is often the wisest… when it comes to the couple’s sex life.”… .. . Yep, just think about that for a minute or two! Ok, I didn’t say that. David did. David Schnarch, Ph.D. and author of the book “Passionate Marriage” And he’s right. In some cases anyway! By now, you should know me well enough to know that. It’s not as black and white as it sounds. But still… Have a little listen and I’ll explain what I mean.
There are TONS of reasons to why the sex drive goes away and it’s often caused by more than one thing.I’ve spoken about sex drive and stress before. About a lack of lust for your partner, sleep-deprivation, not getting a proper sleep, medicine, and how breast-feeding can be affecting things… Etc., etc., etc. David’s point is that when you lose your lust for sex, it sometimes ALSO happens because the sex IS NOT that great; not good enough. It’s boring, it hurts, it’s uncomfortable, you’re not turned on and you’re not horny enough. Frankly, you’d prefer to read a good book or watch a film or – if the sex is REALLY bad – read a boring book. Is this your partner’s fault? No Are you to blame? No Is it a shared responsibility? Bingo! Yes, yes it is. And… It used to be so good! When we were in love we had the exact same kind of sex and we were both turned on by this. Yes… But that’s back when you "were in love." And there’s a difference between sex in:
1) In-love relationship (0-2 years)
2) The new relationship (2-10 years)
3) The mature relationship (10 years+)When we’re in love we’re turned on by this new person; the excitement; the new sex; we’re high on the love-drug, which ultimately fade away. And then there’s biology. Ohhhh boy! Nature extends a helping hand. A cheeky little helping hand to make us want to pass on our genes before we get to know the other person TOO well. Very clever. That’s what Mother Nature thinks anyway. Then we procreate and put these little mini-humans into the world. Quickly. It’s very efficient. Nature hasn’t taking into account that, today, we have access to contraception and that the majority of pregnancies are actually (very) planned. The thing is: biology doesn’t care if we put these rubber-thingies on to prevent a pregnancy (biology still lives in the Stoneage). It shoots this let’s-be-in-love-hormone into your body – lots of it too! – and then says: “Go procreate! Now!” ;-) An American study shows that women’s sex drive increases with more than 200% when they’re in love. The number for men is about 120%.
Nature has spoken!Right – so this “recipe” we start off following is pretty good. Let’s be honest, there’s very rarely something wrong with the recipe. But when you start moving from “The relationship in love” into “The new relationship”, something happens. The in-love-hormones disappear. And you continue to THINK that you’re using the correct recipe. You know, the whole “this is what we’ve always done”. But… Something’s missing. The: - in-love hormones - excitement of having sex with someone new - excitement of exploring sex with a new person - desire of a new body - desire of being desired by the person you’re in love with - validation there is in being desired by another human-being who’s (also) high on the love-hormones - And many, MANY other factors. And then we’re back to square one:
“When we were in love we had the exact same sex and we were both turned on by this and we both thought it was awesome!”
Yes, you did!But you’ve now removed an ingredient, which once caused you to: - Have your bodies react to touch, very swiftly! - Become rock-hard by the thought of her staying over Friday night - Getting wet down there by thinking about seeing him naked again - Orgasm and ejaculate very quickly - Not take so long when getting ready for sex, physiologically. My experience tells me that when this happens, a lot of people start to panic and feel frustrated and believe that there’s something wrong with the relationship and maybe I don’t love him/her enough, maybe this isn’t the right partner for me etc. . .. … This is also where infidelity often enters the stage. This happens because through infidelity, this “spark” (which you now know is purely a biological mechanism from the oh-so-clever Mother Nature), MAKES US BELIEVE that THIS is the right thing for us. When I experience this – this spark – then THAT is a sign that I’m on the right track. And no… No, it’s not… It’s nothing more than a load of BS from Mother Nature; taking you for ride… Biology doesn’t care who you procreate with – all it cares about is “shooting off” (pardon the pun) these hormones, for you to want to procreate. But infidelity is a whole other talk… … .. .
Let’s get back to sex AFTER being in-loveThis is panic-central. The logic behind it is this: We’ve been playing Monopoly using the Monopoly rules for 2 years and it’s worked very well. So we keep doing that. The problem is just that the relationship has now moved on to a more advanced game: chess. Still, you keep at it. You’re stubborn. No no, you WANT to play using the Monopoly rules. They have to work. Come oooon, work! (At the same time, you might both be wondering why the Monopoly rules aren’t working like they’re supposed to anymore – and perhaps you start feeling a bit guilty; they SHOULD work… You’re too scared to tell each other about these thoughts though. What if my partner thinks there’s something wrong with him or her? And what if they suddenly think I don’t love him/her enough anymore? What if…)
Your experience is now this:
- It takes you longer to feel turned on
- The same tricks like certain touches, whispering in your ear, cheeky text messages, little slaps on the behind etc., no longer have the same “effect”
- Men might find it harder to get an erection – and it might even “fall down a bit” during sex
- Women can also find it difficult to have an erection – that being swollen and blood-filled labia; this follows the excitement, being turned on and the horniness
- Both men and women can find it challenging to have an orgasm and ejaculate.