My wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years and we’ve known each other for 12 years. About 4 years ago, if not more, my wife lost her sex drive.
We’ve tried a lot of different things.
Saw a sexologist etc.
We then tried your online course/seminar “Get your sex drive back”. We would sit there every Thursday night and follow along and also try a lot of the things you suggest in the workshop.
I have to say, I nearly fell over when you suggested that we stop having sex for a minimum of 4 weeks, to do the “touching exercise” where you touch one another for 15 minutes and don’t go on to the next “step” until the woman agrees to it. And yes, I say “woman” because in our case, it’s my wife who needs to say yes to continue on to the next step.
But we did this.
And it hasn’t helped us.
My wife learned that there is such a thing as “duty sex” and she stopped wanting to do that. Please let me say, I completely understand this.
No one should have sex if they don’t want to.
However, this means that we’ve gone from having sex once every fortnight maybe to now only having sex every 4-6 weeks.
As a man with a sex drive higher than this (I’d love for us to be having sex 1-2 a week), I feel myself getting pretty frustrated, angry and upset.
And how long is too long?
It’s hard for me to decide what too long is but I feel my mood declining when we get to the “wrong side” of 3 weeks.
It doesn’t take much for me to get annoyed and upset and I’m probably taking it out on our 2 kids the most.
Well, it’s affecting us all really.
My 6-year-old daughter recently told me that she likes her mum better than her dad.
Dad always tells her off and dad’s always angry.
It really hurts me to hear this.
I’ve decided to see a psychologist who might be able to help me with my mood swings but I can’t really stop thinking about your “course”.
It’s about a year ago since we did your workshop but I don’t remember the men being focused on all that much.
It’s really great how there is all this help for the woman about what you – as a couple – can do to get back the sex drive but I really am missing some tools and tips for the man.
It’s a shared problem that should be solved as a team.
That’s why I’m missing some help.
On top of all these thoughts about what I’m doing wrong – since my wife doesn’t want to sleep with me – there are also these thoughts of ”power”.
I mean… is my wife the one with the power in the bedroom?
I mean, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that but in this particular case, there is. She’s the one deciding when we have sex. As I said, my sex drive is higher than hers and I’m therefore always ready and I’ve never said no to sex with her.
When it’s been ”too long” and my mood starts diving, I think: ”Next time she wants it, I’ll say no!”. I know deep down though that this won’t happen and I’ll be punishing myself too and what am I really gaining from that sort of behaviour?
In conclusion, I don’t really believe that the ”course” had the desired effect for me. I don’t know, maybe my expectations were too high.
But when the result is that the frequency of our sex has declined, then I think it’s fair for me to conclude that the workshop hasn’t worked for us.
My wife might feel a bit better.
She’s expressed that her self-worth is better and that she’s mentally better too. And I’m so thrilled with this. It’s awesome to have a happy wife. I do feel that this comes at the cost of my own psyche though.
We’ve decided that I will go see a psychologist and that we’ll have one night a week where we discuss this issue. A so-called “Maj-night”.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on our problem.
What do you think of what I’m saying about the whole “consider the man’s lust”?
My wife won’t sleep with me!
Dear Anonymous Man,
Thank you so much for your e-mails and your questions and reflections on my online workshop “Get your sex drive back and keep it for life”.
First off, I really do understand how frustrating it must be for you to have sex somewhat regularly to rarely having sex; the whole point of seeing a sexologist (not me), looking up things online and participating in my workshop has, of course, been to add more sex to your relationship.
You tell me:
“But when the result is that the frequency of our sex has declined, then I think it’s fair for me to conclude that the workshop hasn’t worked for us.”
If the goal was to have more sex, then yes, I completely agree with what you’re saying.
However, let me offer some suggestions to why my workshop hasn’t worked for you (it seemed that it did, in fact, work for your wife).
I’ll also give you some ideas to how you can make my teachings work for you guys.
From what you’re telling me, it seems like there are things in my workshop which you guys skipped past or haven’t dived completely into.
And if I offer up some tips and tricks for you to leap forward, I do believe you’ll both be in a very good place 🙂
I can, of course, only offer advice based on what you tell me in your e-mail. My advice might have been different if you’d been sitting across from me and told me about your situation.
Anyhow, please read it all carefully and take what you find useful to you and your situation. Get comfortable; I’ve got a whole lot to say!
From reading your e-mail, I gather that you’ve both participated in my online workshop and you’ve completed several exercises from this workshop as well.
You are, however, missing quite a crucial point – one I make in my workshop.
The point being that when one partner is experiencing a problem, it’s not just “that partner’s” issue and for “that partner” to deal with.
No, the problem is a problem for the relationship.
It sounds to me like you’ve been left alone a bit after doing this workshop and your frustrations are flourishing in this feeling of abandonment.
You tell me: “This is a problem for us both to deal with and we need to solve it as a team.”
I completely agree and your situation isn’t desirable for either of you.
You’re alone with your frustrations
You being alone is far from what’s desired and this is also why I make such a big deal about underlining this particular point of my workshop.
I even included a case with a couple to emphasize the point. I think it’s really great that you choose to see a psychologist but I can’t help but notice that you’re (once again) left alone…
Where is your wife in all this?
It must feel really uncomfortable, lonely and incredibly frustrating! This is the exact type of situation that’ll only build an emotional wall between you two – not a bridge.
This wall will, most likely, make the two of you drift apart and distance yourself from one another.
Not necessarily divorce, no, you can easily drift apart and continue to live together. What I mean is, you’ll drift apart physically but also mentally and intimately and to me, it sounds like this process has already started.
You’re upset; your children are reacting to this as well; you’re seeing a psychologist on your own…
I do feel worried about your relationship and your family.
You’re already finding that you can’t be the man you actually want to be, in this relationship, and your frustrations are slowly – but surely – affecting your family life in a not-so-great direction.
Awesome development for your wife
I do think it’s fantastic news that your wife now knows that “duty sex” is something you should stay very far away from and it’s so lovely that she’s feeling better about herself, both in regards to her self-worth but also physically. That makes me really happy to hear that.
That being said, something is still missing.
Because why IS it that she doesn’t want to have sex that often?
You said: “On top of all these thoughts about what I’m doing wrong – since my wife doesn’t want to sleep with me – there are also these thoughts of ”power”.
One of the exercises in the workshop is to examine and understand this.
Why is she saying no?
The ”want to want it” is essential and I’m thinking that there must be some exercises you’ve skipped or haven’t exactly gone into depth with.
Again – why is she saying ’thanks but no thanks’?
- Is it because, to her, it has to happen spontaneously and without her doing anything for it to be “a real lust” for her?
- The lust for sex needs to come to hear out of thin air before she’ll initiate anything?
- Why did she lose her sex drive to begin withWhat happens when you initiate sex?
- Why is that met with a no?
- Are you guys unsure about how to turn her on?
- How do you turn her on?
- How do you get her all horny and wet?
- How can you make it pleasure-filled for her?
- How pleasure-filled is it actually for her when you guys have sex (when she initiates it)?
From what I’ve seen working with couples in my clinic, is that if the sex is really good, pleasure-filled and satisfactory, there’s a significantly higher chance that you’ll say ”yes please!” whenever your partner initiates sex – even though you might not feel a spontaneous sex drive yourself.
In module 1 I teach things like:
- The 4 components that HAVE to present in order to have good sex and ensure that the lust starts showing up all by itself.
Have you worked out whether the 4 components are present when you’re having sex?
Is this about power?
You tell me that you’re having thoughts about power and that she’s the one determining when you guys are having sex.
And this is quite interesting – and essential to your issue, actually.
Have you spoken to her about this?
There is A LOT of power in saying “no thanks” and it IS a fact that for some couples this whole thing is ALSO about power and “the lust for sex” becomes a means to feeling powerful and superior to your partner.
Whether this is the case here is not for me to say, but as I just mentioned, it’s a possibility.
Definitely talk to her about this.
In the workshop, I make a big deal about proper communication.
It sounds like you haven’t spoken much to her about this.
An important part of a well-functioning sex life is that you can talk about things that are difficult and whatever thoughts you have on sex drive.
It does sound to me like you haven’t really started doing this. Is that true?
I might be mistaken.
I’ll definitely recommend you to talk to her about your thoughts on this and express to her that you’re not happy with how things are. On the contrary, you’re feeling upset and let down by her.
Perhaps you’re even starting to question whether she loves you or not?
This is completely understandable – you’re very much alone in solving this problem and this is really not very sensible. Not sensible at all.
Why are you no longer initiating sex?
That it’s purely your wife initiating sex sounds a bit strange to me.
Why is this?
A relationship of equals and a sex life is about both of you being able to express your lust. This is also one of the things I teach in the workshop.
I completely understand that for the period of time you’ve been doing the exercises from the workshop, you’ve dialed down the whole ‘expressing your sex drive’ and this has, most likely, been the sensible thing to do at the time.
However, what I also teach is that your initiative should start to come back when you enter out onto ‘the other side’.
Whether you’ve forgotten about this or if you’ve consciously decided that you’re ‘not allowed’ to show initiative, I don’t know.
As a sexologist, I will say that this does not seem very sensible though and you’re not happy. When one partner is upset, it rubs off on the relationship and on family life; you’ve seen this happen too.
Is your wife balanced?
Also, it sounds like you could do more for your wife’s spontaneous sex drive to happen. You can work on this and it’ll ultimately increase her sex drive.
I go through this in the workshop and there are loads of things a woman can do to create the balance her body requires in order to let the spontaneous sex drive happen.
This is both physically, mentally and hormonally. Have you figured out what would be beneficial for her to take a closer look at? The work journal from the workshop should aid in this, for sure.
- If you haven’t worked this out, why haven’t you guys done that?
- What’s stopping her from wanting to have a higher sex drive?
- What’s her motivation for more lust?
- If her motivation is not there, why is that?
Is the sex good?
I have a slight suspicion that your sex life isn’t that satisfactory for her.
I might be wrong though…
I believe it’ll be a good idea for you guys to talk about all these questions and really reflect on them to nail down what makes her ‘want to want it’.
You might even want to go through the workshop again. I know lots of couples that have done this and benefitted immensely from this.
For instance, the first time around some couples might have re-established the intimacy between them; the physical contact in their daily life as well as figuring out the quality of their sex life – and increased the quality (by doing the exercise you mention etc.).
Then, the second time around they have focused on what each of them could do to increase the woman’s general lust and what could be done for her to experience more sex drive in her daily life.
A final remark
I COMPLETELY understand that you feel that my workshop hasn’t been satisfactory to you and the way I see it, this is simply because you guys haven’t finished your work on it yet.
I’m so happy you reached out to me and that I could advice you on how to move on and more forward with this.
There are, as you can gather from my many words here, still several points left for you guys to work on.
And please do!
Please do the work!
To have a better sex life – where both partners feel satisfied and experience a lot of pleasure every time – is a great goal to have as a couple.
Our sensuality develops throughout our lives. If we want it to.
The will to have a good sex life is imperative to creating a good sex life and it sounds like you have this will (very much so), and so I don’t doubt you guys will get to where you want to be.
Love – and happy training,
Maj Wismann – Couple’s Therapist and Clinical Sexologist with private clinic since 2006.
★ Have you experienced your wife not wanting to sleep with you? Or have you turned a non-existing sex drive around to a life with more sex drive? It’d be so great to receive some comments about your experience with this, especially from men who’ve been in this situation. Please remember that sex drive is a very vulnerable topic, so please keep your words positive and loving. Thank you ❤
* Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately. I wish to create a positive and supporting space where we can support each other, and I therefore have a zero-tolerance policy towards rudeness, condescension, negative inputs and disrespect.