Happy couples…. Have you ever wondered?
There’s this study…
Not just one.
A lot of studies have been made and the result is pretty much unanimous.
Settled couples – couples who are no longer in the ‘being-in-love phase’ of a relationship, who’ve lived together for several years and who states that they are very happy together and are quite content with their sex life – they disclose an interesting fact!
They reveal that in more than 50% of their sexual experiences together, they find that they differ when it comes to desire and satisfaction.
So – less than half of the sexual experiences these couples have actually has equal amounts of desire and satisfaction.
Just to make it clear:
In more than 50% of the times these ‘happy couples’ have sex, they disagree on both the quality of the sex and their level of desire! (McCarthy 2003 – Prep.dk)
Isn’t that interesting?
Basically, this means that one person thought the sex was great, satisfying and really top-notch while the other person really just saw it as ”well….I guess that was OK”-sex.
The interesting thing about these “happy couples” is that they’re completely fine with this!
…meaning that there’s something going on with their expectations.
Their expectations to their shared sexual experience are so realistic that they don’t panic when the sex don’t necessarily meet their expectations and make their toes curl.
Do you like that word?
We’re talking thousands of couples who are really happy together, and who both state that they’re sexually content.
A good sex life isn’t about having mind-blowing sex every single time.
A good and satisfying sex life is about being able to have sex which, every now and then, barely scrapes home a ‘pass’ all the while knowing that you ALSO sometimes have sex that just blow your socks clean off.
That you’re capable of accepting that sometimes he just enjoys it more than you do – and that’s perfectly OK.
That you’re OK, knowing that you thought the sex was amazing while your partner might not have been quite as enthusiastic about it.
Or during a certain period of your life, you might not even HAVE a lot of sex because one of you is sick, has just had a baby, is stressed etc., etc., etc.
… and that is ALSO completely fine because that too is a very natural part of life.
These “happy couples” or content couples as you could also call them consider the ups and downs in life and they accept these, all the while knowing that the quality of sex is something that varies, depending on the “time of day” and life (of course) in all its ordinary glory.
The sexual interest, activity and enthusiasm will naturally go up and down – you simply can’t avoid this.
As a couple you just need to take a deep breath and ask yourselves:
“Where are we at right now?”
And then be realistic about adjusting to your circumstances – and adjusting your expectations to your sex life.
That’s why you need to have some sort of communication about your sex life.
A place where you can meet and talk to each other, lovingly, about how things are right now; whether things are OK or really good or what you can get better at.
A really good sex life is NOT about it being fantastic EVERY single time.
No no no…
A good and satisfying sex life is (according to studies) about how you as a couple find a way of implementing intimacy, lust, closeness, sensuality and sexuality.
And to do so in a way that’s realistic in regards to the rest of your life and daily activities – and, of course, that you are fine with the quality of the sex fluctuating.
Even for these content and very happy couples (this is what they ‘classified’ themselves as in these studies, anyway), the ultimate sexual experience rarely happens.
Intimacy, sensuality and sexuality are all dynamic entities.
Something that is constantly changing depending on all the other things in your life and being aware of this is what makes your sex life so (so, so!) much easier.
Unrealistic expectations can kill any sex life
It can kill something else too.
► lust to go into the bedroom
► lust to say ‘yes’ when your partner moves closer
► lust to react to your own lust when you feel it
► lust to be intimate in your daily life
► lust to even talk about how your sex life actually is going
I could go on…
To have a well-functioning sex life, it’s crucial that you accept (and make space) for some not-so-perfect experiences in the bedroom.
If you manage to do that you’re moving one step further away from any performance-anxiety issues or any pressure – these only diminishes any lust.
Happy couples don´t have way to high expectations
If your own or your partner’s expectations are way too high compared to what’s even feasible, you’re going nowhere.
And that’s never a good thing that nowhere-land.
Of course, if you find that the sex you have is ALWAYS pretty crap and it never really makes your toes curl, then you need to react on this and talk about how you can work on making things better.
► How can we make it better for me?
► How can we make it better for you?
And that’s another thing that these “happy couples” have in common:
They own up to this shared responsibility for their intimacy, their sensuality and their sexuality.
These couples can talk to each other.
Both about the relationship and life in general but also about the most vulnerable thing we have…
This can be such a difficult thing to talk about because of how vulnerable you feel when it’s not exactly doing what you’d like it to do.
But you can learn all this.
You can learn how to have more of these deep talks which will – very constructively – show you the way to more lust and a higher quality of sex.
To learn to talk about your lust and your sex life is just one of the many, many things I teach in my online workshop “Get your sex drive back and keep it for life”.
► Would you like to learn how to get more out of sex?
► Do you want the tools to dial up the quality of the sex you’re having?
Then you (and perhaps even your partner) will be more than welcome to join the online workshop.
You can do this workshop alone – whether you’re a man or a woman – and you can go through it together as a couple.
Once you’ve signed up you have access to it forever.
If you have any comments about being one of those happy couples and how the differ from other couples please join in with a comment below ▼▼▼
I would absolutely love to here from you ❤
Maj Wismann – Clinical sexologist and couple’s therapist with own clinic since 2006.
★ What are your thoughts about happy couples? What do you think they “can” that other couples have not learned yet? Have you experienced changes in your relationship to the better and becomed more happy? What did you do? I’ll love reading your comment, your good advice and your experiences ❤
*Please remember to keep a nice tone. ALL negative comments will be deleted immediately; I wish to create a positive and supporting space, where we can help each other. Because of this I have a zero tolerance policy to rudeness, condescension and negative inputs.